Hdog, I picked up a book off my bookshelf that I bought several years ago. It's called The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin.
It has some very interesting ideas in it that are summarized on the amazon page, for example:
Quote: The Erotic Mind explains the many paradoxes of erotic life, such as: why we're most excited when we must overcome obstacles; how anxiety, guilt, and anger -- generally thought to have a negative impact on sexual arousal -- often turn out to be aphrodisiacs; how we use unresolved issues from our early lives to intensify passion; and why the best sex is dynamic and unpredictable, rather than static and safe.
He talks about how early in life we may have come to associate eroticism with anxiety (as in back-seat fumblings), so later, safe in the marriage bed, it is hard to... well, get hard. He talks about a woman who always chose men who ran hot and cold, until she figured out that she is turned on by a guy who is "almost" in love with her. He talks about how "longing" can be very erotic, but winning the object of our longing will probably mean a drop in eroticism. There are lots of examples, some of them reminded me of what you've said about Mrs Hdog... I haven't really done the book justice in this short comment....
