Uhm, haridog, I think you got my sitch confused with someone elses. I found e-mails and pictures that she sent him but he is not making huge withdraws (we don't even have jt accounts). He wants to keep the house but will buy me out of it (I'm yet to see the settlement agreement). I found text messages that are extemely flirtatous but no comments about actually being physical. So.....
GEL
When it comes to trust - what I mean is that he can trust me to be the way I am now - wanting to have sex with him ALL the time, showing him my appreciation for all the things he does for me and the house.
No my response really doesn't change. Especially in light of the fact that the EA is continuing and he's still hiding things from you...he's still putting it off on you when he's the culprit. He's justifying his behavior by using you as the scapegoat.
He can not reasonably or realistically expect you to put up with the OW and attempt to save your marriage.
Let me be reeeeallll blunt here k? SHE'S GOTTA GO! There is no room for negotiation here. He doesn't get to keep her in the wings while you "prove" to him that you will remain this way....that's a bunch of crap.
This man married you, he made the same vows you did...and that doesn't include a 3rd party.
Is he showing any appreciation for what you do or are doing? It doesn't appear that way. You two have sex...then he pushes you away again. I can't help feeling that he does this because he feels he's been unfaithful to the OW.
He definitelly shows appreciation for everything BUT sex - he is nice about it, he hugs me afterwards and he only says things that he says when I press him to let me know what's going on (when he sighs or something).
I know I'm in the minority here but I think that her marriage can be saved if she wants to go that route. Lots of people on this site save their marriages while their spouse is out galivanting around with other people. It isn't right but it's done all the time. This lady instinctively knows that if she makes an ultimatum between her and the OW, he will choose the OW and the life of (relative) freedom, and be out the door.
So the question is not whether she should continue to ML to her husband (imo, this is a good thing, especially if that was one of his reasons for leaving) but whether he is WORTHY of having her as a wife in the first place.
Don't underestimate yourself, nj, in an effort to 'win' over the OW. Do you really WANT this man back? Is he a good husband and is he worth the effort?
Furthermore, are you willing to make the permanent changes that would be necessary for his happiness? Would he do the same for you?
If the answers to these last questions are yes, then fight with everything you have. Protect yourself financially and against disease, of course, but continue on the path that you have been on.
From what you have written it doesn't sound like he is much of a prize, but then again we all have a tendency to downplay our own role while emphasizing theirs.
Try to look at things objectively and assess whether he is actually worth keeping.
Quote: I was also thinking about saying to him: I would really want to have sex/ML to you but I can't do it when you are involved with someone else. I desire you all the time and I would love to show you just how much but you have to be honest with me...
But then you said that that’s where you get lost. Let me help you out. How about following that with:
I know we’ve had problems. I know that I’ve been part of those problems. But I love you and I really do want to work this out. I just can’t do that when OW is still in the picture. If there’s any chance of resolving our problems, we both have to commit to the R. I’m willing to do that. Are you?
I know you're having a really tough time of this...so here's the last I'm going to say to day (cause I have to go for awhile).
He married YOU. You have the right to ask if he wants this marriage to work. If he does (and I know you dread him saying no to you too.) want this marriage to work...then the EA MUST end.
Trust is a 2-way street. He cannot expect you to prove yourself to him while he's cheating on you...that is not only unfair, it's cruel to the nth degree.
It's as if he's saying to you...if you don't do things just right, he has a backup plan. Don't let him use you that way.
I'll throw this out there too..and I may get blasted for it. But if you really want to fight for him...then call her on the carpet. You know how to reach her, confront her. Sure it may piss him off...then again, he may see you fighting for him too.
I'll throw this out there too..and I may get blasted for it. But if you really want to fight for him...then call her on the carpet. You know how to reach her, confront her. Sure it may piss him off...then again, he may see you fighting for him too.
Just a thought... GEL
I'm here to "ditto" GEL's thoughts, not to blast her. Confronting the OW is a bold move, but it brings things to a head. If the situation is hopeless, it will make that clear right away. (ie if he takes OW's side) If there is a chance to save the R, the M, then she cannot tolerate the OW. There is NO chance to save the M while he continues to carry on with the OW. If he won't break it off, he's not helping restore the M.
I'd say take a stand, but be prepared, as it will bring things to a head one way or the other. (which, IMO, can't hurt any more than the unacceptable status quo)
