I started this thread for you so that we didn't hijack dark270's thread.
cNJ wrote: -------------- I'm not sure if you're misreading things. After all I'm too close to the forest to see the tree. I admit that I am so in love with my H that the thought of loosing him or having him be happy with someone else is killing me. But that's his right and I'm not a good person if I don't give him the chance to be happy - even if it's not with me.
When it comes to OW - the tough thing is that they are co-workers. He sees her every day regardless of him seeking her out or not. Since the meldown he had last Fri he sure saw her at work but I don't have proof about anything else. He knows that I can see the statement on his cell phone and he thinks I can read his text messages so since that time he barely uses the phone. I don't take it as the sign of him not communicating with her - I'm not stupid! They can see each other face to face, they can talk on the company phones, public phones through email etc and they can survive the evening/nights/weekends without contact if they want to if they don't want to have me know about it. On the other hand, why bother? He already filed for divorce, it's not like I'll be able to use that against him in the court procedure, he has been saying he's been starving for attention and feeling wanted and needed for a very long time now so why stop now when he is getting it?
Too many confusing things happening. I will take care of myself thought, I wil take the advice and go with my gut feeling. I have a feeling that whatever is to be is already writtent somewhere I just need to allow the wave to carry me there with the least pain caused to me. --------------
As long as your hubby is in contact with the other woman, recovery of your marriage is going to be very difficult.
Is the other woman married? If so, it is high time that you contacted her husband and told him what is going on. Do not discuss your intentions with your husband. If you husband has told you that her husband already knows, or that she is single, don't believe it. Find out for yourself.
You said that he has filed for divorce. Have you seen the papers? Do you know his lawyers name? Again, find out for yourself.
A few ground rules.
Do not leave your house as in moving out.
Do not sign anything yet. If he produces papers, you are under no obligation to sign them.
If he does produce paperwork, then hire your own attorney. Do not use his.
Your marriage is not over. You give up on it if and when you decide to, not when someone else tells you to.
Calm down. Don't panic. All this is probably going to take a while.
If he tells you that the sun is shining, have a look outside for yourself before you believe him. Adopt this attitude regarding trust in him, at least for the foreseeable future.
Put a safe emotional distance between you and him for now. That means that you smile, nod, be nice. No yelling, screaming, or cussing. Do NOT be a doormat . Keep him at arms length, but in a nice way. If he tries to pick a fight, smile and walk away. Make your boundaries very clear in what you will tolerate from him.
I highly recommend that you tell him that he will have to be tested for STDs before you will have sex with him again. Tell him in a concerned way. "Oh honey, I really want to make love to you. The last few times have been incredible, but I really feel uncomfortable since I am unsure of your involvement with [other woman]." If he claims that he hasn't been physical with her, tell him again in a nice way that you need for him to be tested before you will feel safe.
No matter how mean he is, try to respond in kindness to him. Do NOT, however, let him treat you badly. Enforce your boundaries.
While you are getting accustomed to this new behavior, make sure that he sees you naked as much as you can without being overly obvious.
I hope you can see the behavior picture I am painting for you.
You can still possibly win him back if that is what you really want. Please consider if he is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. In all honesty, he doesn't appear very likable to me right now, and I haven't even met him.
Oh, and don't just let the wave carry you wherever it wants to go, make it carry you where you want to go.
If you like, we will talk some more.
All the best. -NOPkins--
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
