Quote: I'm more inclined to wonder how many truly LD people have ever experienced a really fulfilling sexual experience. That seems to be more apparant to me. True many of them have been raised dysfunctionally, but so have many HD people.
I absolutely agree that my LD guy has never had great sober sex. He really doesn't know what the possibilities are. But besides generic dysfunction from which many (dare I say "all"?) of us suffer, it seems that more than one person has commented that their LD spouse didn't have the same-sex parent around.
Regarding my comment on Catholics and Jews (I am both! ), I was echoing someone else who had initially noticed and commented on that... I think it was Laurie... can't remember, and browser too slow for me to search at the moment.
I'm not a statistician... what an odd question... but I do look for patterns, reasons, ANYTHING to make sense of the situation I'm in. I'm curious as to why you notice this tendency of mine? I guess I'm trying to feel "normal" in some way, and one of the ways I do this is by observing what other people do and comparing it to what I do. When my husband died four years ago, one of the things that got me through was the constant thought "millions and millions of people throughout history have gotten through this and if they can do it, I can do it."
I'm wondering if someone in your past continually held up numbers and generalizations that you felt did not apply to you... that they were cancelling you out with statistics and seeming to squash your individuality?
Quick comment - I have noticed that quite a few of us have little ones (mine is 6 mos). Does your H feel more comfortable with procreative rather than recreational sex? I am wondering that about mine.
Mine is comfy with both, but just prefers for it to be entirely on his schedule.
In order to conceive our 3 girls, I had to take fertility drugs. These drugs give migraine headaches, wild mood swings, stomach aches and a host of other side effects--none of them too terrible, just NOT something I'd go through one more time than I had to. However, with the first two babies, I had a helluva time getting him to ML during the XXX days that were marked on the calendar. With D2 he flat out refused to do it when I told him it was 'time'. Due to some weird circumstances, I ended up ovulating 2 weeks later (!) and conceived after I had given up all hope of conceiving and resigned myself to the fact that I was married to a rat bastard who would rather see me suffer than put himself out. I didn't even know I was pregnant for a very long time cause I had given up trying to conceive a baby with someone who would not have sex at 'the' time. With D5 it was a similar story although not as dramatic. Then we began repairing our R, and things dramatically improved. I think that, by this time, we may have even had the problem licked except that I wanted another baby (so did he, btw) and the pregnancy has set us way back.
Anyway, this was a long answer to you: No. If anything, my H is more amenable to recreational sex! He does not like "having" to have sex on certain days in order to conceive children. Have I mentioned he is a pain in the ass.
My bf has twins from his marriage, and I definitely think he believes sex is for procreation not for recreation. In one of the very first emails he ever sent me he said: "Sex is a drug that tricks us into mating."
HP: Sorry about the fertility stuff. That is a terribly painful situation. I think my H is comfy with both too but it is easier for him to express desire in the "lets make babies" lingo than in more explicit lingo. When we were dating he would say "Can we have sex now? I am getting anxious." He meant anxious as in excited but now I think it is both.
Laurie - do you feel that your H is anxious about ML? Do you think that the procreation thing weighs into it at all?
No, no one in my past that I can think of used statistics or numbers for comparisons with me. It's just that I noticed you do look quite often for a common thread or percentages for reasoning. Believe me, it's not a criticism by any means...merely an observation.
Me..on the other hand, I'm not concerned with the perception of "normal" I guess (not saying you are). You and I experienced something similar...my fiancee' (prior to my hubby) died 5 days prior to Christmas, I found out the day after. I'm pretty convinced, just due to our differences in perception and dealing with problems...that we approached our tragedies in much different ways and each came out alive and on the other end
I guess I'm just one of those odd individuals who doesn't always try to make sense things...don't get me wrong, sometimes I do, but I accept that there are times that the situation just doesn't make sense. I tend to analyze the situation to try to get an objective view of the problem, then attack it.
As for the "Statistician" comment...that was merely from some of the phrasing you use in your posts. So don't worry..not trying to pigeon hole you or anything...it really was just a good natured observation. Words like "small sampling" make me think of my past Statistics classes....ewwwwww!!
As for the generalizations, yeah...I really don't like anyone to generalize with me. I soooo don't fit into so many of the stereotypes that people have tried to pin on me...so I really try not to generalize, not that I never do it...just not too often I'm probably too prone to finding ways to disprove generalizations anyway....so don't take me too seriously on that end
I hope you aren't taking my comments too personally, they really aren't intended that way.
Quote: I really don't like anyone to generalize with me
I go back and forth on this one. There are times when I don't want to have generalizations applied to me; I want to be "special" and different. But when I'm feeling lonely and stressed-out, I seek comfort in "being like other people."
Lillie wrote: -------------- I go back and forth on this one. There are times when I don't want to have generalizations applied to me; I want to be "special" and different. --------------
Which leads me to believe that we must all be uniquely common, or would that be commonly unique?
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: It's not his fault that he's married to a woman who prefers a quickie to a hug, household help or words of affection.
Ok, so since the talk a couple of days ago, H is now doing EVERYTHING (except the one thing, of course) to be nice to me. He has taken over ALL of the cooking and cleaning, brought me a thoughful gift after work yesterday, has been calling me to chat a couple of times per day while at work.. you name it, he's trying... How long until, when things do not go back to pretending like there's nothing wrong, does he start to resent me for not being appeased by his efforts? I feel like a total B@#$%. He's doing everything he can think of, and it's just not gonna do it. I am telling him thank you and how much I appreciate it, but...
The lots of Jews comment was from me from another thread, since I'm not surrounded by other Jews, I tend to notice when I see more than one of them at a time.
And now that you mention the recreational vs procreational sex... I really hadn't thought of it that way, but looking back on it... ML became more regular (and better) when we were trying for baby, and non-existant since we found out I was pregnant. So, yeah, I'd say the procreational sex was WAY easier, it hadn't occured to me that could be a factor.. hmmmm Still, seems odd to me since H is agnostic and wasn't raised in any religion... who knows? And continuing to think about it... VERY early in our relationship, long before we were ready to have children, but after we had established that we both wanted them, (back when ML was almost daily) he did used to refer to ML as practicing to have children... something to think about, but how could you get around this after the last child is born?
Quote: I go back and forth on this one. There are times when I don't want to have generalizations applied to me; I want to be "special" and different. But when I'm feeling lonely and stressed-out, I seek comfort in "being like other people."
Especially in a situation like this where SO frequently tries to make you feel like a freak for wanting something PERFECTLY NORMAL!
JL posted: How long until, when things do not go back to pretending like there's nothing wrong, does he start to resent me for not being appeased by his efforts? -------------------
Maybe this is just a "man" thing, and if it is, please forgive me, but I strongly advocate you telling him asap that you see all that he's doing and appreciate his effort, but he's putting his efforts into the wrong area. The longer you let him think he's doing all he needs to, the more opportunity for him to ignore the real issue and think that he just can't please you.
It's not your fault that he's shooting at the wrong target, no matter how good a shot he is.
And concerning procreational vs. recreational sex, babies aren't the only life a M needs. IOW, all sex is life producing for the HD. It breathes life into them and therefore, the M. I think that's why for so many here desire is as important as activity. It gives them life, comfort and significance.
), I was echoing someone else who had initially noticed and commented on that... I think it was Laurie... can't remember, and browser too slow for me to search at the moment. 
I'm probably too prone to finding ways to disprove generalizations anyway....so don't take me too seriously on that end 
