Thanks all for chiming in... GEL (I used to live in OK, ) I've read some of your posts elsewhere, and yes, I'd agree we're living parallel miseries.
My H and I went for a year without having S during & after my pregnancy...which, lets just say it, SUCKED! It's as if the thought never crossed his mind. Exactly! He didn't miss it and it never occured to him that I missed it. Ironically we were more or less about to D over this issue a few months before I got preg. More bkgd: We had always said we wanted children, he wants 2, I want 3 or 4. In oct03 it had been 3 months without ML, & I told him that it was over (and how did he expect me to get preg anyway?!?!) We were working through break-up details when 2 weeks later, he got a little drunk for my birthday, told me, crying, how he really did want to be with me, and that he really wanted us to have children etc... & then ML to me the way it's supposed to be done (with feeling!). The next day we talked and decided to try for children (I wanted them with or without him, so I'm not upset to have my baby) He managed to keep up ML more or less (2 times per month, his initiation) through the end of December (when I got preg.) and when I found out, early Jan04, he ML to me very sweetly. Then disaster struck... STUPID *&%^^%$^%$ MIL tells H that ML is dangerous for baby when preg. and that was the end. Let me ask you a few questions... 1. What's going on in your H's life right now...work, family etc. His company was bought out and they are going through the transition of company philosophies thing. Lots of workshops and training. His job is quite secure though. 2. What is his family like, how was he raised..mom, dad etc. Parents divorced, mom is nuts, has exactly the relationship with his poor stepdad that I am trying to avoid. She is mean to her H and they haven't ML in at least a decade, and unfortunately because they've been "together" for 30 years, my H thinks it's a great rolemodel marriage. Father is on 7th marriage, cheats on his wives and on his mistresses, and has a somewhat strained relationship with my H. Actually though, H was raised by his grandmother, who openly says that the biggest regret of her life was refusing to continue ML to her husband when she was 50 over some stupid argument, and frequently warns people not to make that mistake. 3. Has your behavior changed in any way? Be honest, are you asking for sex more, being more overt? etc. Honestly, I've been MUCH LESS demanding, Like I said originally, this is the first time I've even mentioned it and saturday was the first time I made any subtle attempts. He had always said I put too much pressure on him & if I would just back off, but the truth is when I back off, I get nothing, which was how we got to 3 months and the D word before.
I wonder if the special circumstances may be low testosterone, but I don't know how to bring that up in such a way that he will actually ask his Dr....
Does he have a problem with porn? -HP Not as far as I've been able to find, and yes, I've stooped to snooping. We have separate computers, but I've checked his computer & I've never found porn or history of porn sites. I've never caught him watching porn on TV and I've never found a magazine. The closest to porn I've ever seen him was once he watched an Anna Nicole Smith documentary with my BIL. Hell, if I though it would get him in the mood, I'd probably buy it for him.
Hairdog: Yeah I kinda think the separate bedrooms would be a relief for H. My plan is to have the consequences conversation tonight, and I have no problem following through, but again, I think that separate bedrooms may be more of a reward than a threat. Still I have nothing else to bargain with… & I have now also ordered the book you recommended and 2 more by that author… Hopefully I will still need them when they get here…
Liese: I’ve been using a monitor, but had kept him in my room ‘cause I can check on him quicker, and therefore get more sleep. But it’s probably time to move him, I just have to see how to make my husband see it as a sacrifice for him. Also, have you had the multiple children discussion? Is he practicing "ultimate birth control"? Was this child "planned" or was it a spontanious gift? Baby was planned, and he supposedly wants one more child. As for BC: I made a very big deal about going back on Birth Control at my post-partum visit. (actually, my point was, please don’t make me get back on the hormones for nothing, because BC sucks unless I’m getting some benefit from it. But that all seems to have fallen on deaf ears.)
There’s definitely something to the responsibilities problem, but I haven’t been able to figure it out – in all aspects he’s actually the more responsible one, and he insists on having a very settled life, never wants to move, never wants anything to change, says he wouldn’t mind living like this for the rest of his life if I weren’t so unhappy about it.
So for tonight a calm conversation about filling eachothers needs and consequences of not doing so… wish me luck...
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