I will tell you a hard thing. It is hard for me to write, and it is hard for MrsNOP (who reads and posts here) to read. I hope you can get something from it.
There wasn't an affair causing problems with us, but there might as well have been. The distance between us was vast. She had given up on our relationship but was staying with me (at least for a time). I had given up and thought that the right thing to do was to tell her what was bugging me and give her a last chance to fix it. (How's that for arrogant?)
It was my "exit effort". As it turns out, the problems in our marriage were not all her fault! Imagine that. I had something to do with it too! The problems in your marriage are not all your wife's fault, even though there is betrayal.
What you have to decide is, what is "the right thing to do" for you and your relationship. If you decide to honestly address marital issues, then you MUST be prepared to make changes in yourself as well.
I am hurt for both you and your wife. I know how the "parallel life" feels as do others here. It sucks.
I don't know what all you have read, but there are some good affair books (Surviving an Affair is one) out there. I suggest that you devote yourself to reading and studying about affairs, and marriages, and marital conflict for a couple of weeks before you decide what you are going to do.
I also suggest that you conduct these studies in your wife's presence - don't hide it. If queried, you can honestly tell her you are studying options.
Since you two are distant, you are probably playing the "duck face" game with furitve looks and glances rather than an honest open face. Please consider stopping that game and making yourself known and available to your wife. Openness is an attitude. She will read it whether or not she does anything about it.
My personal opinion, is that you owe her an honest try. I think that is the least any of us can do before throwing in the towel. I can tell you that I am glad that I did. My wife means everything to me. Our marriage has never been better. That happened because BOTH of us worked at it.
I wish you and your family all the best. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
