Hi Jen, and oh yes, it is great to have you back! I loved your description of the Christmas stockings, the mountain home, the menu.....
As Maya says, don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. You had a great vacation with him after stressing about it, and that is most important.
From the learning side, I do think Ellie has some good points. From my vantage point of wishing my H would come home, I sure think I could be a lot more flexible with him than I used to be ... I would not want to sweat the small stuff. Of course, what is small and what is big depends on one's perspective. I guess the trick for all of us is gaining the self-awareness to know--"this one's big!" and to name it out loud so that he can change or make a counteroffer. Or "I don't like it, and not what I was expecting, but it's not a big deal" and roll with whatever it is. Suffering in awkward silence clearly lacks the whiff of cheddar though. I say all this as a reformation-in-progress of a person who has loved to control the small stuff in our family life for reasons I am still working out.
Anyway, I hope the evening went well and that all is smoothed over by now. Really, I'm so glad you are back. You have been missed.
It's great to be hearing about your sitch again. I still love the way you write too.
Like Ellie, I understand your SO better than I understand you. If I'd been away for a week, the last thing I'd want to do would be to go out. I would also feel that I'd done LOADS with you if I were him.
As for NYE, I wouldn't have known that turning on the TV was a great faux-pas if I'd been your SO. Having said that, I know that I'm sometimes guilty of having my own expectations. I once ruined a NYE with H (we weren't married then) because I assumed that our bedroom should be tidied up before midnight and SO didn't. I felt he'd sabotaged our NYE moment and hadn't got into the right spirit.
I've often got really pissed off with H in the past because he's expected me to know what he was thinking and has not made it clear that he was getting upset until it was too late. For example, there have been times that he's been upset that I've been on the phone for a while, but hasn't told me until after I've got off the phone! Or he's been upset because he didn't want to do something or go somewhere but he's gone along with the plans until, wham, he's really pissed off. To me it always seems like such a set-up. He gives me no warning, no time to reconsider what I'm doing in light of his preferences, and then it's too late and he's in a state. In fact, his whole A reminds me of this. I don't feel I was given any warning of his unhappiness.
It's actually very interesting for me to hear this sort of thing from your perspective. I trust that you are rational and I know that you are great at expressing yourself. It's easier for me to be compassionate with you than I am with H. It helps that you're not upset with me! When H and I get into a similar sitch, I go off into accusing him of being irrational and not knowing how to communicate. I'm starting to realize that that is not the crux of the problem.
I've accused my H of being really high-maintenance emotionally, and have told him that I'd much rather he simply tell me that he'd like me to do something differently as it arises instead of making sure I get it really wrong before getting upset. I've said that I don't want to spend my time trying to figure out whether or not he's REALLY happy with things. He needs to communicate with me and not rely on me to put loads of effort into second guessing him.
Does this make sense? I'm curious about your reaction to what I've written because I'm interested in you, but also because you remind me of H (in this instance, not all!) I wonder whether the fact that you and my H share some emotional patterns partly accounts for how helpful your suggestions are for my sitch. I think you are really good at putting yourself in my H's shoes. I'd like to get better at it myself. When you write about your R, I often identify more with your SO's reactions. I hope that doesn't come across as my being critical of you, because I think you are great!
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Boo! It's me! Now, let me see if I can take a crack at this little snafu.
For you Jennifer, it seems the following equation holds true: S. NOT making plans with me = he doesn't quite love me enough - he doesn't care enough that I want to go out more. Evidence: He NEVER makes plans with me, and he does make plans with others.
Now before I poke holes in your equation, let's ask what if S.'s equation looks like: Staying home w/ J. = comfortable love - I don't have to have outside entertainment because I am more than satisfied (feeling loved) when I am at home with my girl. Evidence: I never am bored at home with J. With my friends, I'd have to 'supply' the entertainment if I asked them over to my place. Plus we all live in different places around town, so it's just easiest to go out straight after work in the city.
Result: J. feels unimportant, unloved because she wants to go out and S. feels unimportant, unloved because he wants to stay home in the nest with J.
I'm just guessing here, so I'll ask you if any of this could be true? ? ? And now on to your equation: NEVER is one of those dangerous words, no? Let's throw the phrase "I am the LAST person he thinks about making plans with." in there too while we're at it. Let's see... S. is the guy you go away with to Vermont on weekends, right? And he plans to spend the holidays with you, huh? And hmmmmm, aren't you in the middle of planning a trip to Chile with S.? So I don't think he's missing the 'Planning Gene".
It really does sound more like different definitions of "romance" . . .and I agree that figuring out a way to tell him what you want would be useful. No doubt that not pouting would help too. (SD's duct tape might help there). AND, AND, AND making sure you are speaking his LL, right? What are S.'s ideas of a perfect or wonderful evening? What can you do to ensure he's getting enough of what he needs, while you tell him what you need?
I really don't think this particular issue is a big one - I think the reactions you both have to the issue is more important. It sounds like S. gets itchy when you are anything other than light & happy. And you get pouty when he doesn't react as you'd like him to. It's not quite fair for S. to want you NEVER to be disappointed, and it's not fair of you think that S. can mind read.
From this side, it just seems you two need some 'splaining to do. Any of this make sense to you?
See you soon???????????????????????????????????????? -H2H
Quote: Part of me knows that this is his way of communicating that nothing else (including plans with me) has come across his desk, and so the default setting is to come home. But the other part of me wants to scream "SO THINK OF SOMETHING AND ASK ME TO DO IT!" or at the very least, "SO RESPOND TO MY SUGGESTION THAT WE GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING WITH SOME SORT OF ENTHUSIASM!"
Maybe those two parts can compromise and tell him, without screaming. I can see both of your POVs. He did just spend a week in GA, visiting your family, hiking, shopping, etc. Of course, you just spent a week in GA, too, but that's not the same kind of "doing something" that you seem to have meant in talking to him. Maybe the problem is that the phrase "done anything" is too imprecise. How about "We haven't done anything around here/with our friends/in the city lately" instead?
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Welcome back! Somehow, I just knew you'd have an exciting story to tell from your time away. Forgive me for laughing.
Time and again, you describe the equivalent of a scrumptious hot fudge sundae, built with the best ice cream and sauces and... then we get to the top and the cherry is ever so slightly askew. And you and Chicken Little run around flapping your wings as if the sky is falling. Get a grip!
I think you have a sense of humor about this, which helps, but geez, you are relentless! I'm afraid that if you don't start eating perspective for breakfast, lunch and dinner you're gonna wear the guy out.
Seriously, what can you do when you get siezed with this insanity so that you can get yourself calmed back down? How about some little mantras like, "Is this REALLY earth shattering?" or "The sky is NOT falling."
Yes, I'm also referring to the recent crisis of S possibly wanting to spend a night at home after being away for a week and going out last night. Yeah, you could try to work out a compromise, or you could just give it a rest. (It sounds like he was trying to be accommodating to your desires, but it's not clear to me that he received genuine reciprocity.) Can you deal with some of your feelings about it without discussing it with S? How much of this is really about your R? How much is about your own issues? Does he really need the play by play of your internal rollercoaster?
Knowing things is a lot easier than DOING them. Find yourself some tools to get you through these things. How about a big old rubber band to wear on your head? You can snap it when your brain starts trying to kill you.
You've taken plenty of whacks, so I'm not going to add to the pile. I'm really glad to see you back! And thanks for the New Year wishes at my place.
SD, what happened to your frying pan and duct tape? You've moved on to headbands that don't have a protective coating? I'm sort of getting afraid of simple things that I use around the house--super glue, knives and scissors and even blankets!
But since I'm me, I've got to close with a question:
What is it that you get out of being "party girl"? There has got to be a way to incorporate what it is that appeals to you in a more adult setting. Or is this the work of a crazymaker who can't sit still and just enjoy being quiet?
Welcome back!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Jennifer, it is great to be back myself, and good to see you, I love reading your posts, I cannot get all caught up, as so little time!
It is tough to see that some stuff I thought/think were uncompromisingly HUGE (TV in bedroom, etc.) are things I can live with now. I think it is important to look at whether we are being stubborn about getting things OUR way or the highway, and accept that they like some things just because, and it doesn't have to be a big deal to me. Just giving in to them without feeling like it is a power struggle or a major summit of compromising and all has its worth.
hugs to you!
GBO- I am here with you "I say all this as a reformation-in-progress of a person who has loved to control the small stuff in our family life for reasons I am still working out."
Dear Jennifer I am sure this is desperately bad company manners (especially as I have no active input into your thread) but would love your wisdom and scripting on letter from H on my post ths evening. Don't know how to cross reference it though - Don't really know how you find the time.
... I would not want to sweat the small stuff. Of course, what is small and what is big depends on one's perspective. I guess the trick for all of us is gaining the self-awareness to know--"this one's big!" and to name it out loud so that he can change or make a counteroffer. Or "I don't like it, and not what I was expecting, but it's not a big deal" and roll with whatever it is. Suffering in awkward silence clearly lacks the whiff of cheddar though. I say all this as a reformation-in-progress of a person who has loved to control the small stuff in our family life for reasons I am still working out.
I wonder whether the fact that you and my H share some emotional patterns partly accounts for how helpful your suggestions are for my sitch. I think you are really good at putting yourself in my H's shoes. I'd like to get better at it myself. When you write about your R, I often identify more with your SO's reactions. I hope that doesn't come across as my being critical of you, because I think you are great! 
So I don't think he's missing the 'Planning Gene".
and even blankets! 
