That was a great e-mail. IMHO, right now there is just too much blow-by-blow analysis going on. It's too much to think about and your mind is going to explode. And isn't overthinking the habit that causes some of your more troubling anxiety?
Just give yourself a break and just be yourself and let your new changes sink in. After all, isn't it the real YOU you want S to love? And simply be kind to him--which is exactly the sentiment conveyed in your e-mail. Kindness needn't be pursuing and isn't that the most we kind of others in how they treat us? In fact, I think the best advice I have gotten along my journey is to just be kind and try to make it a way of life.
Btw, I do want to repeat that S's being rejected for M is HUGE, HUGE, HUGE. A male does the hard thing in his mind and exposes his rawest emotions to a woman he loves; even if the rejection is kind, his heart was chewed up by a jackal. I know that if get D and ever get involved with someone else again, my defensive guard is going to be 100 feet tall. And I suspect S has not had the benefit of serious T or counseling or self-introspection the way we have. Which reminds, me, I don't think you have yet answered what he wants? Methinks he is afraid. Again, be patient, and be yourself.
Oops. One more thing. It sounds like he expects to go to Georgia. Unless you're seeking an ultimatum from him, I think you'll be opening up a real can of worms of doubt if you tell him not to come.
Yes, very good email, and did you send it? And I agree with Merrick....invite him to the family Christmas if that's at all possible in your mind and heart. Otherwise you are definitely opening up a new can of worms.
Hello, all. It’s been awhile. I’ve been ridiculously busy, and caught up in my own sitch, and processing a lot of stuff.
S. and I are suddenly doing very well. We had some very difficult conversations last weekend, and came to a really precarious place in our R. At one point, he said he felt like I was just about to break up with him! So we talked a lot of things through and I think we had a real breakthrough. Drum roll, please! We finally resolved the horrifying morning issue with a compromise, and it’s SOoooooo much better for the both of us. Details below. It was his idea, and it is working like a charm. We are both so much more relaxed and happy.
This happened last weekend, during a conversation in which we both got so frustrated and withdrawn that S. actually got up out of his chair in the LR and went into the BR and got under the covers to hide. It was pretty intense. We gave up the conv., talked about how we were feeling toward each other, and left it at that, slept on it. We woke up the next day and were able to hang out together, have a good time, then re-approach the conv. fresh and resolve it. The week went pretty well after that.
So, Thursday morning, I got an e-mail he sent out with some photos of a fence he built to a group of people, all blind-copied (BCCd). I freaked out a little, thinking Swiss Miss was on the list. It’s getting close to Christmas and the perfect opportunity to reestablish contact. They haven’t spoken for months, but since their not speaking wasn’t something that was decided, it just happened that way, I have been thinking that one of them would send a Christmas card, or call, and ... and ... So I couldn’t see who was on the list, and I was flipping out about it all day, getting crazier and crazier about it.
Later in the day, Seth was supposed to come home after work to hang out with me, and he was really late. I was upset (at the time I didn’t realize it was because of the BCC). I asked him all kinds of questions about where he was and why it took so long to get home, and it got a little tense. For other reasons, he didn't end up coming over, and I didn't see him all day the next day (yesterday). So last night, he came over, and as we were lying in bed, I realized what had happened and I asked if it was ever too late to apologize for something. He said for what, I said for yesterday, and he knew exactly what: “Oh, the twenty questions thing?” I told him straight out that I had been really insecure about something and it had interfered with my ability to trust him, and I was sorry for projecting my insecurities onto him (I can thank SD for that script). He asked what I was insecure about, and I told him very straightforwardly that I was concerned that he had reestablished contact with HER (and he hadn’t, of course, it was just my nut-job head), and we had a brief and easy talk about it, and it was all over, and afterward, we were really close. That was last night.
This morning we stayed in bed until 1 and although we had a very intimate and close time together, he was stressed about getting such a late start. He had planned to get up early and shop. Also, we have had plans to go to some friends’ house tonight with a group of people, and I know he was feeling stressed about it because of the late start this morning. We leave Wednesday early a.m. for Georgia, and he hasn't bought any Christmas presents. I asked if he’d rather not go tonight, and he got a pained look on his face, and I said “I don’t mind if you don’t,” and he said, somewhat panicked, “But you do,” and I said, “No, sweetie, it’s really OK if you don’t go. I want you to go, but I totally understand. I won’t be upset, I promise.” and he looked at me with the utmost relief and said to give him the information and he would see how it went Xmas shopping (he’s really stressed about what to get me), and if it went well, he’d come. So I smiled and kissed him and let it go at that. And honestly, I’d rather him be relaxed to go down to Ga. to be with my family than be hating me because I made him go to some stupid party.
So our dynamic has really changed. I attribute it to the morning thing we resolved. Remember when I was having a fit every morning because I wanted attention, and he was having a fit because he wanted to get out of bed? The lack of connection in the morning was setting the stage for the entire day, and I feeling unloved, unwanted, and it was building throughout the day, and I was getting annoyed with him for stupid little things. Well, we set two alarms now. The first alarm means it’s time to wake up and give Jennifer the attention she needs, and the second alarm, half an hour later, means S. is getting out of bed come hell or high water, and Jennifer can’t whine, make a face, or pout.
The conversation was the ultimate compromise, whereby he finally understood how the lack of attention was affecting my WHOLE day, and I realized that the inability to get going in the morning was affecting his WHOLE day, and why can’t we just agree on a time to get up and set the alarm 1/2 hour earlier? It’s amazing how it has changed our entire relationship.
Last night after the admission that I was insecure and the apology, I was being super-affectionate. He had been telling me how he was trying everything to figure out what to get me, asking women at work for advice on girly romantic gifts, and how the women were all useless, and I was feeling very important and loved. I was practically giddy. He asked why I was smiling so much (his way of asking for affirmation) and I said “because I love you.” He hugged me closer and said, “What brought all this lovey stuff on?” (clearly loving it), and I said “Because you’re a big sweetie,” to which he laughed and said, a little ruefully, “I’m glad you’re finally realizing it.”
This goes along with the theme of his big Christmas present to me last year, which was two 75 minute bliss-out massages with paraffin foot wraps and the works at the swankiest spa in NYC. Well, I just don’t allow myself those luxuries, usually, and I hoarded them so long that it got down to the wire and I had to schedule them both within a week of each other to avoid them expiring. Unbeknown to be, he had been stewing that I hadn’t used them, and that told him that I hadn’t wanted them and not realized what a nice gift they were. In fact, they were SO special I couldn’t bring myself to use them until I HAD to! So I called him after the first massage to purr and thank him profusely, and then I called him again later, and the still later I thanked him, and he begrudgingly said “I’m glad you’re finally realizing what a nice gift that was,” after which we had the discussion about the stewing.
Anyway, all this to say that things are good, we finally resolved our morning problem, and it has affected our entire R for the better. And I am learning to own up to my silly little insecurities and just say it out loud rather than stewing and lashing out at other things. And he is learning what a little loving attention can do to a shark, to turn her into a purring Cheshire kitty.
Jennifer. I wondered what happened to you. I'm glad things are going good right now for you. Some things are happening on my end and I would like your input. Also I'm thinking of writing a book about the industry. I need some advise if you could.
Christian
"I'm not to sure that this will go the way I or any of us want, but maybe go the way it has to."
wow jennifer, i loved the way you guys handled everything. i am taking tons of notes so when i get to piecing, i can work things out as well as you are .
Hey purring Chashire cat - rock on is right - I love the breakthrough, in fact I might steal this idea
Quote: Well, we set two alarms now. The first alarm means it’s time to wake up and give Jennifer the attention she needs, and the second alarm, half an hour later, means S. is getting out of bed come hell or high water, and Jennifer can’t whine, make a face, or pout.
When someone goes silent for a few days on the boards, I sometimes fear things are not going well. I'm so glad to hear that's not the case for you....and that you are salving a major point of tension.
and although we had a very intimate and close time together, he was stressed about getting such a late start. He had planned to get up early and shop. Also, we have had plans to go to some friends’ house tonight with a group of people, and I know he was feeling stressed about it because of the late start this morning. We leave Wednesday early a.m. for Georgia, and he hasn't bought any Christmas presents. I asked if he’d rather not go tonight, and he got a pained look on his face, and I said “I don’t mind if you don’t,” and he said, somewhat panicked, “But you do,” and I said, “No, sweetie, it’s really OK if you don’t go. I want you to go, but I totally understand. I won’t be upset, I promise.” and he looked at me with the utmost relief and said to give him the information and he would see how it went Xmas shopping (he’s really stressed about what to get me), and if it went well, he’d come. So I smiled and kissed him and let it go at that. And honestly, I’d rather him be relaxed to go down to Ga. to be with my family than be hating me because I made him go to some stupid party.
