It seems to me that you're back to "how to tell S" about this. I'm guessing from your track record of intense R talks that he's heard before how you feel about this. Maybe he hasn't heard, or probably more accurately, felt how you feel.
Quote: S. feels I don’t understand his connection to this particular theater and film noir in general, and by going to 8 movies in 5 days without him and not making more of an effort to include him, I was showing a real lack of sensitivity.
How does this sitch compare to his view of the film festival? He thought that was something you should recognize as important to him, important enough to him that he felt you should naturally include him. Can you draw a parallel between what the inclusion in social circles would mean to you and his feeling about wanting to particiapte in seeing the films? (I'm pretending to be cultured, so I didn't say "flicks." )
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: why the hell would I invite him to spend a second Christmas with my very special, loving, and wonderful family, whom I cherish, admire, and adore?
Um, maybe for the same reason you invited him to spend the first Christmas...?
Ugh. A bad interaction with S. this morning. I went out with MF last night, and did not call or go over to S's when I got home. So this morning, I called, and he was in "all business" mode. He was talking quickly, giving shortish answers, and I was Acting As If to kill a horse. I asked him how he was feeling, since he'd been under the weather the other night, and used it as a segue to let him know I had come home late, that I hadn't wanted to call or come over so late, etc.
Well, I got the third degree for a minute, "How late did you come home?" "I see." What did you do after the movie?" "Where did you go?" And then in a hurry to get off the phone. I needed to ask him to srop my phone charger off on his way to work, and so I did, and I asked him to ring the bell so I could say hi.
Well, an hour later I got a call saying he was going to drop the charger in the mail slot. I said I'd come down, and he was adamant about if I wasn't there that second, he was going to drop it in the slot. (He always makes a big production about being in a hurry to go to work.) So I met him downstairs, and he gave me a kiss, but was dying to get away from me and was very short. I gave him back his keys, and he was practically running down the stoop stairs when I said "Wait a minute!" a little exasperatedly and he turned around. I said, "I just wanted to let you know I'm going to go out after work tonight with my friend [H2H name]." (He knows the name but they have never met.) He gets off pretty late, so this isn't like I'm telling him I'm going out at the expense of seeing him. He replied, shortly, "OK." I said, "Do you have any plans?" and he said "I'm coming home after work. That's my plan." So I cheerfully said "OK! So I'll call you when I get home." He said "OK, bye," I think, because he was for all intents and purposes already halfway down the block at this point.
So, I'm ASSuming, he is very annoyed that I didn't return his call last night or come over after being out with MF. And I guess he's pretty jealous, too. I'm not sure what to do about it. I will resist contact today (because I always overdo it when he's upset with me and it turns into a power struggle), and just do what i said and call him when I get home. Part of me thinks he'll be over it by then, and part of me knows we'll get into another R talk about how it's bothering him that I'm spending so much time with MF.
For the record, I am NOT even SLIGHTLY interested in MF as a partner, life or sexual or otherwise. He's been interested in me for 14 years, and if I haven't caved by now I never will. He just doesn't do it for me. S. has heard this before (but not recently). I'm waffling between holding onto the shred of mystery and making it extra clear that MF isn't the slightest threat. Ms. Mystery, Ellie, I'd be interested to see what you think about this.
I guess it's a dose of my own medicine. I always gave him the cold shoulder when he wasn't behaving like I wanted him to. I guess I know what it feels like now! He rarely does this, and therefore I'm at a loss as to how he recovers, what to do, etc. My instinct is to let it lie and if he wants to bring it up, fine, but continue to Act As If everything is A-OK.
I'm predicting a conversation in which he nails me for doing exactly what it is I get peeved at him for doing. Which he always rails against, so which is it? If he is nailing me for it, and he doesn't want me to nail him for it, but I'm nailing him for it, and then doing it myself... vicious cycle...
Hoo! Didn't someone say this was going to be easy?
Or maybe, I could do something different and start off with "S., I know you must have felt weird last night when I didn't come over or call. Do you want to talk about it?"
Ugh indeed... Though I think you had an inkling this would happen when you posted last night that you didn't call or go over to S.'s. It seems to be a lot of the same issues: trust, going out all the time, fear to say what each of you is really thinking... You've been around these for a while.
Quote: I'm predicting a conversation in which he nails me for doing exactly what it is I get peeved at him for doing.
Doesn't DR make a good point about not predicting a bad reaction/reception/conversation, etc. (Michelle's return from a business trip story)?
Anyways, I'm thinking doing something different might be a good idea to break that vicious cycle. However, I don't think I'd quite phrase it "...you must have felt weird..." - I'd say don't put words/feelings into his mouth. How about more along the lines "This morning's conversation felt a little short/abrupt. Did you feel that way? Is there something I did that upset you?"
Ellie, SD & others are better script writers - but I would try something different. Address it and move on. Otherwise you both will stew in it needlessly for hours, when in the grand scheme of things it's nothing. "You went out; He's jealous; No reason to be". It always seems silly to let little things fester into big ones.
Quote: Before I left, I sent him an e-mail at work saying I was going with MF, and to join us if he could. So at 11:15 I got a message saying "Hey, I'm home, I guess you aren't back from the movies yet, maybe I'll see you when you get home. ... I'm hoping."
So it was 1:45 when I got home, and I just came to my house (for newbies to my thread, S. lives three townhouses down). S. hasn't had the key to my place these last 3 days, because we had houseguests who needed an extra set of keys. So I am home, and haven't called S., which I imagine will be a source of consternation tomorrow. It's just so late, and I could go there, but I didn't, and now I'm home, etc etc.
Now duck, because I'm gonna whack you here - what were you thinking????? He made it really clear he was hoping to hear from you, you already knew he was jealous - so WHY did you purposefully pick the path that would drive him further away? Can you say "self-sabotage"?
I think the best approach is to just own up to it. Something like : " SO, I'm so sorry about last night. You made it clear you wanted to see me last night when I came home, and I didn't come through. I think it's a measure of my own insecurities (he doesn't really want to see me, he won't be happy if I come over this late, I might get rejected) that led me to reject you instead. I'm so sorry for being such a bonehead. Can I make it up to you tonight? "
from an e-mail to H2H: Well, I actually didn’t think it would upset him that I was out, since he had plans, too. I figured we’d hook up at home (for sleep), but I did get home late and I didn’t get his message until I thought it was too late to call. I know, I know. I guess part of me too was doing a very misguided, bad attempt at mystery-slash-jealousy-mongering. I actually thought that if we didn’t see each other for two nights in a row, he’d miss me more. I DO think, however, that this pissiness is controlling behavior. And what does one do about that?
H2H reminded me that jealousy mongering is controling behavior, too.
OK, I know, and I'm bending over for more whacks.
Ellie, I'm not sure S. will respond to saying I didn't come over when he "made it clear" he wanted to see me. He will say something to the effect of "You can do whatever you want." How about this?
S., I'm sorry I didn't come over last night when I came home. I guess I was afraid and insecure about coming over so late, in light of our recent conversations, and I let it get in the way of what I really wanted to do, which was curl up with you.
Dang. I feel like a real chicken s**t because I read your last night post, JinB before others wrote you..well..was slow to respond. I had to run but had I written, my response would have been close to others'.
I guess it felt like he had JUST told you that this R with MF was a bit wounding...and there you jumped for the salt shaker....
I have not caught up here entirely. Have not read what happened this A.M. But I am sure others are giving great advice.