I’ve been procrastinating posting on my thread, because there is just so much to respond to, as well as update, journal, and allow my thoughts to ramble. HOW do we do it?!
First of all, THANK YOU H2H, Slowly, Ellie, SD, Merrick, Sage, GBO, Anne, Maya, and Wendy! What a lovely group of supporters, and a wonderful, spirited conversation going on over here. I’m overwhelmed by your support and by your clear, wise words.
I don’t know where to start. I’ll do the easiest thing and update. The morning after the big three-hour talk about S’s insecurities regarding MF and the sudden interest in noir film, we woke up rather distant. I had to get up early for a yoga class, and mentioned to S. I was interested in going to that day’s films, and asked if he could get away from work early either Tues or Weds for the two films that were showing those days. He didn’t know, but said he’d call and let me know.
He did call, and made a heroic effort to be there. I had told MF I needed a date with S., and he was busy anyway, so he did not join. S. showed up exhausted and run down, feeling achy and feverish, but determined to see the double feature (Kiss of Death and Pickup on South Street, both EXcellent!). So, I turned up my nurturing side to overdrive, and S. was basking in the attention. [Note: He’s never been sick since I’ve known him, or at least he’s not let me take care of him.] He was super affectionate, resting his head on my shoulder, etc. Afterward I force-fed him Vitamin Water (Power C), and made him bundle up for bed in flannel PJ pants. He kept talking about how nice it was to go to the movies together.
This morning he was very appreciative (felt 100% better, he said), and kept talking about how nice an evening it was. So tonight, he called to check in and said he’d be going for a bite to eat with a friend from work (M), and he’d call me when he got home. It sounded like he was going to go home and stay there, so I pulled a 180 and didn’t pout.
I don’t know how to begin addressing some of your specific questions. I think I’ve turned (another) corner in understanding where S. is in this process, and can do better with my DBing. I’ve discovered some very important things about S. in the last 5-6 days, and I’m glad for the opportunity to process them and put them into actionable positives.
Sage, asking for assurances was a whackable offense, I agree. I guess I couldn’t resist that time-honored question, “What are you thinking?” I’ll try to use your script for that one next time, Slowly! I wonder, though – it’s usually a signal that he knows that something’s on my mind and he is open to hearing what it is. Am I cutting off his attempts to hear me by blowing him off? Maybe I could say, “I don’t know, do you sense that I need to talk about something?” SD and H2H, I will validate S. for putting up with my insecurities and working so hard on this R. Good reminders, thanks.
GBO, you’re right that we both love to throw down and get philosophical. Three hours is nothing compared to the all-nighters we used to pull (when we were younger ). This last talk was completely initiated by him, but you are right to suggest we need to dial down the intensity so we can have fun, too (and here are S’s words: We need to talk, but we also need to live our relationship). I’m trying to find another time to make some “assemble required” dinner, and S. is chomping at the bit for a Scrabble rematch – he keeps saying how he was beaten, but he held his own against “Miss Words, Miss Webster, Miss OED” – his way of validating me for being a good and sought after editor (which you can’t tell by my posts!).
As an aside, and a much-needed validation, since my present project is winding down, I sent an inquiry to an editor at a prestigious university press with whom I have never worked. I said I was looking to expand my client base, and wondered if he’d be interested in my resume. He replied within 5 minutes, saying he knew my work and was thrilled I was available! I was surprised and flattered. I’ve been working for my former employer, another big university press, and I have been nervous about having most of my eggs in one basket. It was also limiting my income potential.
BTW, Betsey, I used your coaching from way back when to renegotiate my fee with my former employer! Thanks – and my house-buying fund thanks you. (And S. thanks you, though he will never know it… )
Maya, I don’t know what it looks like to have S. more open about his friendships. We are both VERY introverted and do much better 1 on 1 rather than in groups. One thing he said (and has said before to this very discussion) was that when we are having problems, or when things are tense between us, it is readily apparent to close friends, and he didn’t want to subject them to tension in our R. OK, I can think of 99 things to refute this (like, I can cook TG dinner for your mother and her friends but I can’t be introduced to your close FF? or, You can come down two years in a row and spend Christmas with my family, which you KNOW is incredibly special and important, but we can’t hang out with your friends together?), but it’s how he feels, and so it’s valid. Ugh, Ick, and Blech.
OK folks, I’m exhausted and will be turning in now. Thanks again for the support and great ideas!
I had told MF I needed a date with S., and he was busy anyway, so he did not join. S. showed up exhausted and run down, feeling achy and feverish, but determined to see the double feature (Kiss of Death and Pickup on South Street, both EXcellent!). So, I turned up my nurturing side to overdrive, and S. was basking in the attention. [Note: He’s never been sick since I’ve known him, or at least he’s not let me take care of him.] He was super affectionate, resting his head on my shoulder, etc. Afterward I force-fed him Vitamin Water (Power C), and made him bundle up for bed in flannel PJ pants. He kept talking about how nice it was to go to the movies together.
