Yikes! Tons of good stuff over here! Plenty of food for thought.

Re: S.'s rejected proposal - that could very well have A LOT to do with his current state. In my own sitch, SO was married briefly before I met him. His w. had an A. and left him. It had a very far reaching impact on his life then, and still today. And many, if not most, of his friends & work colleagues are divorced. I think most of us here can attest to the impact of such rejections... I do believe S. is capable of the getting there, with some time, patience and continued good efforts to work out the kinks, he (& you) can get there.

Then, like a bolt of dolt, I realized I’d be hoppin’ mad if he’d done the same thing

Good! Um, I can vouch that yes you would be in a tizzy, so recognizing this right then and there is a very good thing for you.

To my surprise (HE’S NOT DEAF EITHER, H2H!), he quoted back something I’d read aloud to him by Shirley Glass,...

- Funny when we recognize this... but what does this mean? It means that you are being heard, and I think you have to give him time to process things and let him put it together with all else that it is happening. When we feel we're not getting results fast enough these sorts of moments are reminders that we can't control the timeframe - that they may well have a different schedule than ours. No, they're not deaf, so no need to beat stuff into their heads sounding like a broken record.

From Maya: This is a big one. I struggle with the transparency of my life vs. H's secretive pasttimes with others, etc. For me it extends to my paranoia about his open access to my computer vs total shutdown of his stuff.
Do you have some goals for yourself on this one? What would it take to have him inviting you to meet others?
The fact that he has you meeting his ex-flame seems like a huge step in the right direction. Can you imagine what you might do to move in a direction to a greater opening here?

Ditto here - I feel I am terribly transparent, and SO has life I don't see or hear about. And I struggle with this issue. Though I think that in my case learning to be less 'reactive', that is making it safer for him to confide in me has helped a lot. I think in his mind, he hides behind the idea that he can't tell me stuff because of my reaction, my ASSumptions, etc. And there is some truth in that, but I also think it's a bit of a convenient excuse. I'd say overall he is more 'private' a person than I am and somehow feels he needs some boundaries around his life/feelings as a sort of self-protection. Nonetheless, the issue is there - and I think Maya's questions are good ones for you to take a stab at.

I talked about how in a R there is a need to include other people, to grow in different ways and learn things about each other we can’t learn just be being in a vacuum together all the time.

I totally understand this one! And I think I've mentioned it to you, that as some of my earlier 'goals' were met, that the goal of doing things with others was one of my newer goals. We spend nearly 100% of our time just the two of us. Many acquaintances of ours don't even know we're not together anymore, and those friends who do know never see us together anymore. I've known for quite a while that this is not good. I think mentioning it to S. is a good thing! (I'm beginning to sound like Martha Stewart!)

He said something about my comment that I “couldn’t fight for maybe” and he completely understood that, but that I, too, showed doubt all the time, and how was he to know my own commitment when I was talking about “walking away” (his words)? Which, as H2H pointed out above, is a big problem for both of us. We’re both waiting for the hourly temp check before we stick more than our big toe in the water.

Yup, I do think this has been an issue - and again, I have seen it in my own sitch, actually when we were together. I spent more time pointing out what was wrong, than validating, WOA, and pointing out all that was good. You and S. seem to be having a TON of R talks and maybe it would be helpful to limit it a bit - to spend more easy & light QT, more enjoyment, and less of the 'heavy' stuff so often. Just a thought...

Lots of positives in the last few days, Jennifer! Have you let S. know how much you appreciate his openess & honesty with you? Do you see/feel how much he IS trying?

re: dairy farm - I agree! The "What Could He Be Thinking?" book also talks about the bonding men do via ML. And I can tell you that from this side of the screen it all does seem like a very, very, very good thing!

Talk to you later,
-H2H