Then, like a bolt of dolt, I realized I’d be hoppin’ mad if he’d done the same thing (like suddenly start going to a yoga class every day with a single FF), and so I managed to choke out a concession. This is a big one. Glad you rose to the moment here.
2. Hmmmm, well! I validated his feelings and actually managed not to say much, listening to him explain how he felt. I kept quiet, not really knowing how to deal with the information and not wanting to react. ...I haven’t shared him with someone else, and that his ability to be with ONE person has been a question for me, and that a few of these FFs he had had “relations” with in the past, and that I have always been very transparent about my Rs with my friends, and made every effort to include him, and in contrast he has balked at including me, not ever introduced me to at least one of his close friends, and barely introduced me to the others. I talked about how in a R there is a need to include other people, to grow in different ways and learn things about each other we can’t learn just be being in a vacuum together all the time. This is a big one. I struggle with the transparency of my life vs. H's secretive pasttimes with others, etc. For me it extends to my paranoia about his open access to my computer vs total shutdown of his stuff. Do you have some goals for yourself on this one? What would it take to have him inviting you to meet others? The fact that he has you meeting his ex-flame seems like a huge step in the right direction. Can you imagine what you might do to move in a direction to a greater opening here?
3. We talked a lot about the rhythm of our R and how he feels we don’t know important things about each other. He was talking mainly about this hurt he felt about not being included in the film festival, and finally I got him to see that I was fully aware how important it was to him, and I didn’t try to go when he couldn’t go out of spite. Ugh. Handholding these babies can be so tedious. We need to stop cutting ourselves out of social gtherings, etc simply because they won't go. "I am sorry you feel that way. I would love to have you there with me." And then GO!
So, difficult but positive. I saw some of S’s fears more clearly last night, which was VERY eye-opening as to his state of mind. I do believe, as you say Merrick, that he is ABLE to take it to the next level, but he’s not ready. In his case, though, I think the not ready is fear of rejection. This fear also keeps him from being able to express his insecurities. I would LOVE for him to get some T, or us to get some T together, but I will not bring it up, at least not now. Have I mentioned here that S’s last serious girlfriend he asked to marry him, and she said No?
D'oh! Well that is biggie, isn't it? How do we move him to a safe place on this one?
Hope some/any of the comments I have had are helpful. We do have more power than we feel we have. I keep seeing it over and over on other people's threads. I need to act from this understanding in my own situation.
