Oh, boy! Lots of good stuff on my thread. Thanks, guys, for all the input. I won’t respond now – too much to absorb – but I do have some updating.
Yesterday I found out that my book proofs weren’t coming in until today, and so I didn’t have to go into the office at all yest. I decided to go to the movies, and called S. last-minute to see if he wanted to join. MF, as a writer and gadabout, is always free and had already signed the dance card, and when I called S. to see if he could join, I got a somewhat annoyed reaction. He couldn’t go, and then called it (again) “feeling weird” about my “sudden” interest in film noir, but I call it jealousy.
Anyway, when I returned home after 2 movies and a yoga class, I went to S’s and he was distant. I Acted As If, and he talked a little about big problems with one of his tenants, then said he felt really bad about this movie thing. We proceeded then to talk for three hours about it, which included these points:
1. S. feels I don’t understand his connection to this particular theater and film noir in general, and by going to 8 movies in 5 days without him and not making more of an effort to include him, I was showing a real lack of sensitivity. I validated, but then argued the obvious things, such as he has had to work every night, and that I called and asked him to join each time, and where was he being proactive about going, if it’s so darned important. Then, like a bolt of dolt, I realized I’d be hoppin’ mad if he’d done the same thing (like suddenly start going to a yoga class every day with a single FF), and so I managed to choke out a concession.
2. S. feels I am getting closer to this MF and that since S. and I are having problems in our R, it feels threatening to him. To my surprise (HE’S NOT DEAF EITHER, H2H!), he quoted back something I’d read aloud to him by Shirley Glass, about how women try to talk about their issues, and when men continue to ignore them, women eventually get fed up and give up, and when a woman gives up, it’s usually the end. He said he felt I was doing that, that I had indicated recently that I was reaching the end of my rope, that my frustration was becoming more than I cared to live with, and he was worried I was putting my energy into developing my R with MF.
Hmmmm, well! I validated his feelings and actually managed not to say much, listening to him explain how he felt. I kept quiet, not really knowing how to deal with the information and not wanting to react. I think it’s pretty OK to let him be a little jealous, though. It’s SO rare that I give him ANY reason to think I might be thinking outside the R. I did talk some about transparency, because he cited unfairness - his friendships with women and how I am constantly scrutinizing them. I said (gently, nonthreateningly, and without malice) that it had only been four months since I haven’t shared him with someone else, and that his ability to be with ONE person has been a question for me, and that a few of these FFs he had had “relations” with in the past, and that I have always been very transparent about my Rs with my friends, and made every effort to include him, and in contrast he has balked at including me, not ever introduced me to at least one of his close friends, and barely introduced me to the others. I talked about how in a R there is a need to include other people, to grow in different ways and learn things about each other we can’t learn just be being in a vacuum together all the time.
3. We talked a lot about the rhythm of our R and how he feels we don’t know important things about each other. He was talking mainly about this hurt he felt about not being included in the film festival, and finally I got him to see that I was fully aware how important it was to him, and I didn’t try to go when he couldn’t go out of spite.
One disjointed comment he made – He said something about my comment that I “couldn’t fight for maybe” and he completely understood that, but that I, too, showed doubt all the time, and how was he to know my own commitment when I was talking about “walking away” (his words)? Which, as H2H pointed out above, is a big problem for both of us. We’re both waiting for the hourly temp check before we stick more than our big toe in the water.
I finally ended the conv. (a 180), trying to be responsible and get us to bed before the cock started crowing (it was 3 before we crawled in).
And this a.m. he wrote me an e-mail from work saying Hope you're not too tired; I'm glad we talked last night. I'm doing ok, but it is busy, will let you know as soon as possible if I will be able to go to movies tonight. Which is akin to him making a big overture, because usually I can’t even get him to respond to my e-mails when he is at work.
So, difficult but positive. I saw some of S’s fears more clearly last night, which was VERY eye-opening as to his state of mind. I do believe, as you say Merrick, that he is ABLE to take it to the next level, but he’s not ready. In his case, though, I think the not ready is fear of rejection. This fear also keeps him from being able to express his insecurities. I would LOVE for him to get some T, or us to get some T together, but I will not bring it up, at least not now. Have I mentioned here that S’s last serious girlfriend he asked to marry him, and she said No?
