I didn't mean to cast doubt on you personally and think you are doing wonderfully. I also don't think this is a matter of agreeing or disagreeing. I've tried to be very up front with you and Jennifer that the context of the R you are seeking or engaged in has profound implications for the ultimate choices we make.
And I'm sorry if many people feel differently, but in the view of many people here, the difference between a marital relationship and an exclusive non-marital one is the difference between the Catskills and Everest. The dynamics of climbing a mountain may be the same, but the level of commitment, perseverance, desire, and personal sacrifice are monumentally more significant to climb Everest. If a person can find complete fulfillment in climbing in the Catskills, I'm happy for them and don't belittle them because they chooses not climb Everest. But if you're thinking about Everest, I think people have to be fully cognizant of the extraordinary effort it takes to get to the top. To be sure, learning to climb in the Catskills may be an important building block to climb Everest, but still, Jennifer has expressed an interest in getting to the top of Everest and her Cherpa has given indications that for now, while reaching the summit in an interesting thought, he is only prepared to go to one of the staging areas. He is just not ready and the potential for a real tragedy is in the making if they force themselves ahead without the absolute commitment to do whatever it takes to get there.
Now, there are many people today who see marriage as disposable (please, I'm not saying you're one of them) and simply an elevated form of an otherwise exclusive R--but not necessarily permanent. To me, non-permanence will become a self-fulfilling prophecy because as a general rule, that mindset necessarily presupposes one will not do whatever it takes to make the R.
So, when I compare Jen to you, it is only in the context of that you two are not married, have not made any decisions in that regard, and consequently, must guide your actions based on more uncertain prospects for what the future holds and what you are willing to accept and not accept. And on that--you have been outstanding in looking inward and making your best judgments as to what makes you happy and how you interact with others. I have nothing but praise for you in this regard, but not really much offer in your R dynamics because the paths you and SO are on are so different than mine.
Returning to Jennifer, I can honestly say from a male perspective (and some women share this as well), that having your physical needs met without any meaningful (I hope that's not too loaded a term) obligation in return is not an incentive to take a broader commitment unless the male wants more.
When he says I feel like I love you when we are close like this (implying not at other times)--that is not marital love. That attitude is the one that infected so many of us to the point at which we are here--and I would really hate to see Jennifer here with two kids at home! And for the millionth time, this does not mean that S is incapable of taking the next step, it just means that all available evidence as presented here suggests his mind is not there yet. That may be why Jen's T was hesitant about their getting back together so quickly.
Look, I'm no expert and have made plenty of mistakes since I've been on this board. My view is one of many that can be accepted or rejected. I'm very happy for those who can engage in loving and tender R's who are not married and would never suggest that many of these couples will enjoy happier R's than married ones.
My hope in being on this board is to get enough insght into having the same R with my wife. I'm also learning about what to expecxt in the legal process if that is not in the stars. I try to DB and look inward, although I struggle with balancing tenderness against my W's hiring of an attorney with the aim of ending the M, removing me from our house, separating me from our children, and making me pay for the privilege. One wants to be as open as possible with their W, but doesn't want to read about their feelings in D complaint. Indeed, God bless those of you in non-M Rs that don't have to deal with this dynamic.
Let me close with saying H2H, I think you're special and deserve the best life can offer you. I hope you get it!
