Interesting things you say. Thanks for your thoughtful post!
I want to say first that maybe I wasn't clear about going to Ga. for Christmas (and maybe I was, but you're putting forth a different opinion) - I was thinking it was MY decision, because we have already agreed and are planning to go down there (we made that decision right when we got back together, and he asked me to then have TG in Vermont with his mother). Does that change your angle?
Anyway, I think you're right about S's fear of commitment, and to be honest, I think there's fear lurking in my quarters, as well. We talked about this in the car, somehow without a interstate highway incident...
But I think S's greatest fear is that the minute the Pachelbel Canon* stops playing and the bridesmaids have processed, and the double doors open and I stand there on my father's arm (swathed in a fabulous green dress), rather than the trumpet voluntary he'll hear the JAWS theme music and by then it will be too late. I do believe that S. wants the family and the nice life with a lovely wife, but I think he is scared of me. I can be a difficult one, Merrick, and while I play all sweet and I'm on my best behavior 'round town with my DB buddies, I've got fangs that would reach across the Brooklyn Bridge right now and nick your arm as you sit working.
I don't deny that S. has his issues-with-a-capital-I. And he seems much more open to discussing them with me as I make that safe space for him to share. And the more he opens up and I don't react with pain and anger, the more he shares, the more he works them out, the happier we are.
Hey, I think I just wrote out a recipe here!
S sounds like the type who can stick with a decision once he truly makes it--and by that I mean more than just giving something a chance. You're right on, here. He's a plugger onner, for sure. One of the things I love about the lug.
Here's a totally different thread:
On the car ride back from Vermont, S. and I talked about family relationships, especially grandparents, and I had such a wonderful opportunity to reflect on my relationships with each of my wonderful grandparents and to remember what a great influence each had on my life and education. I feel so lucky to have such a loving, supportive, and involved family. It was great to be able to share that out loud with S.
S. has had the opposite, of course, but he is I think being influenced by me to have a better rela with his mother. Also, with his sister getting engaged, there was a lot of talk about that and how his mother had bizarrely wondered if sis would want her to come out there for the wedding – “she might want just immediate family or something...”. To which S. replied, “THAT WOULD BE YOU, MOM.”
One other thing that happened was that S’s mom came for lunch on the day we left (Mon) and said something weird like “I won’t call you on Christmas day this year – last year I called and found out you were in Georgia!” To which S immediately said “I TOLD you I was going to Ga!” and she said she hadn’t known. She then said “I’m a nosy mother, I want to know where you are on Christmas day!” And I jumped in, “That’s not nosy! And if you don’t call us, we’ll call you, so there.” So we talked about that on the trip back, and S. had said he never can share with his mother because she thinks it’s too personal to ask questions (vestiges of his late father’s control who used to berate her and say “It’s none of your business” when she’d ask S. questions about his life). Another thing at the lunch was that she said “Oh, I shouldn’t tell you this, but people at [place where she lives] are teasing me, asking if I’m gearing up for a double wedding!” to which S. was embarrassed and I immediately said something to guide the conv elsewhere. She called later to apologize to S. because it was obviously an awkward thing to say...
Which led to, with my encouragement, S. opened a dialog with his mother about sharing... he told her she could ask him anything she wanted and if he thought he didn’t want to share he’d let her know, but that he wanted to be able to share and not feel like they had this strained rela that was tiptoeing around normal things parents know about their children.
That's a couple of handfuls, so I'll close there for now.
*With all due respect to Pachelbel, that piece of music drives me absolutely nuts and will not be played at my wedding. And with any luck, neither will the JAWS theme music!
