As I type in the dark (got up for some water), S. sleeps in the room adjacent. I came home to him sitting in my bed reading - a pleasant surprise, since we both went out with other friends last night. It was nice to curl up and chat briefly before sleep. I have a feeling he called my cel. when he returned home, found it turned off, saw my light was off, and expected to find me home sleeping. Surprise!
Thanks, Merrick and GBO, for stopping by! Nice to see both of you after what feels like a long hiatus. The talks we are having are toward making this R work, and the goal is a greater commitment. We had a great talk in the car back from Vt. I said I thought it was a bad idea, but we set some ground rules (either one of us could stop the conv without “penalty” if it got unproductive or if we started getting defensive), and it went really well. I think just setting those rules beforehand and being aware that we tend to get tense kept us in check.
I, for one, was able to listen without personalizing, and I think it was my feeling lately that I could let this go if it isn't working for me, and the time is nigh to make that decision, that kept me lovingly detached. I was also able to articulate very evenly and clearly without sounding hurt or angry that I’ve been having those feelings – that it hasn’t been working for me lately and that I want it to work, but I’m willing to let it go if it doesn’t.
For his part, S. says really wants it to work, too. I believe him, and it is a relief to have had it stated explicitly again. His part in these convs has been clear, inspired, and earnest. He has been listening, and has jumped into the analysis of our philosophies with both feet. He has both pointed out some inconsistencies in my behavior (pointing to not being clear about what I really want) and been open to my observations of his own inconsistencies, and we’ve discovered new things about each other.
I realize I’m not getting very specific here, but if I were right now I’d be typing for days. I need a little time to process all that we talked about so I can break it down into a more BB-sized post; what’s more, I just need more time to process before I share.
In all, this is very good. We are making progress. Whether at the end of the day we make progress toward a greater commitment remains to be seen, but I am happy we are making progress toward SOMEthing, and it will move us toward a decision - and greater freedom.
