H was still asleep when I got home from work yesterday. Yes, he went to bed that late...had some errands to do in the morning. I did go in to give him some attention, like he had asked.

He was very affectionate. I, on the other hand, felt withdrawn. I know, I shouldn't be mad at myself for it... H could tell something was a little "off" with me--kept asking if I was mad at him. (I did notice he seemed much less self-conscious around me. )

H also actually talked about delaying when he leaves on his trip. Said he wanted to make sure he left after our anniversary. : Not only is this the first time he's talked about delaying--instead of moving up--his trip...but he actually put some thought into the date. Every date he's talked about for the last six weeks or so has pretty much run over our anniversary. I, of course, didn't say anything. (Third wedding anniversary is the first week of March. Last year, I never would have thought we'd still be here!!)

I didn't relax until he left. Ugh. I hate this stupid dance. So I called him, apologized, said I didn't want him to think I was mad at him. He had thought I was. I told him I had just dozed off with him a little on the bed, and I was a tad grumpy until I woke up better. Not quite a lie...but I know right now is not a good time to really tell him what is going on. Too soon. He said it was okay, just didn't want me mad at him. And then he kept talking to me, while he was driving to work. And kept talking. He hasn't done that in awhile.

It also occurred to me last night, that I was getting that annoying numb feeling and depression. This has typically been the stage after withdrawing for me. (I go anger, withdraw, numb/depression, lots of crying, then okay.) In the past, this has meant that I'm upset, but unable to release those feelings just yet. A good cry normally helps. sigh

I hate this dumb cycle. Yes, I know, I'm whining. But where else can I do that, and people will actually sympathize?? The good thing is, I seem to be moving fairly rapidly...assuming H doesn't throw any weird curves in...and I'm not actually "stuck" in that feeling all day, every day, like I have in the past. Just trying to maintain that nice interaction with H, even if I don't feel like it.

He was very snuggly last night. All through the night. Been awhile since he's done that. That's a really, really good sign, too. (See how much better it is to focus on positives? ) He asked me to massage him after I got up with dog--but my hands were too cold when I got back in. Waiting on them to warm up a bit. But, anyway, he's asking for attention again, so that's good...

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]