Anyway, I have been in a really good mood the last couple of days. I'm thinking, as much as I felt lousy at first, my forced trip up to Chicago helped me calm down and think a little more rationally.
I meant to say earlier...H has said a couple of times lately that he doesn't feel appreciated. Which, ding, means I'm somehow not meeting his LL's right. He hasn't wanted to cuddle lately...I think he needs to feel lovey-dovey first, even though that's his primary I'm not sure if I've somehow slipped, or if he just needs a bit more right now. Anyway, been trying to figure out how to slip some AOS in there. I'm thinking this means more massages. He loves those. And I'm also considering doing a bunch of that cleaning in the front room that we've been discussing when he's at work on Friday, and surprising him.
So...I left H a vmail earlier today thanking him for letting me know what his plans are. H calls me this afternoon, and I'm too busy at work to answer. I return his call as I leave work, and he doesn't answer. I just leave him a chipper message saying "returning your call." He calls me back just as I'm almost home...apologizes for not answering, and tells me he was in the middle of an important conversation with someone.
He's been doing a lot of the "my friend/s," "someone" kind of answers lately...you know, gender neutral, no names. The other day I figured out it was two close MF's. Sheesh. So, I decided he's just gotten defensive in general lately.
Anyway, he tells me he is about to head to the gym, and then to his friends' house for dinner tonight. (I already knew about the dinner.) I say okay, sounds fun. Very upbeat. (Like I said, been in a good mood the last couple of days.) Been having NSN's M/V quote swirling around in my head.
He asks me if I'm really okay. (Meaning, we're not getting any time together tonight.) I said sure, have fun. He's kind of weirded out--asks me why I'm being so nice to him. (???) I ask him if I've been mean lately to him. He says I have...he doesn't understand why I'm not flipping out and upset. I told him he has said to me he needs some alone time, some time to himself, and I'm just trying to give him what he wants. H then tells me he thinks I'm just hiding my moods from him, and keeps asking me, again, if I'm okay. I told him I was simply doing what he had asked me to. H said my being so okay with it was actually starting to make him feel a little guilty about having other plans tonight.
And, BTW, we kind of went 'round this one for a bit. I am almost laughing once I'm in the apartment and we're talking about this. Not because of anything he's saying...just that it's so typical. I do this 180, without even realizing it, and he thinks my changes aren't real.
He then told me he was thinking of going out (no specifics) after he has dinner with his friends. I tell him I think it's a good idea. Really, just being genuine...you know, trying to let him have some cave time. He then comes over, gives me a hug, and asks me if I still love him. I was having such a hard time not laughing...
H also says he was thinking of just not coming back from his trip. Of getting a place in Arizona established, if he passed his GED, and then just staying there. I told him I thought it was a good idea. He looks at me like I'm crazy. I just tell him again, I think it's a good idea. (BTW, at this point, I was actually doubting he was serious. But, hey, I don't care...I really do want to move... )
By now, he just thinks I've lost my mind. He finally said he needed to go to the gym. I gave him a big hug, told him I might see him there, if I get something to eat in time.
He calls me, maybe two minutes after he's left. Still sounding confused. He wanted to tell me that his whole idea to move to Arizona ahead of me was simply to motivate us to get out of there faster. He pointed out how we've been moving all over Indy to be with each other the last year or so, and he thought this might work to get us out of the state. I just agreed with him.
Anyway, H just came home from the gym. I offered to get him some stuff while he showered. He complained that he was feeling self-conscious about me being in there again. I told him not to worry about it.
He also actually apologized, right after he came in, for being so cranky with my dog earlier. (He never does that.) I got more unsolicited ILY's than I have in for awhile...
Oh, I did find out that stupid psycho (xrm) is still calling, and apparentally knew I wasn't around. Guess she kind of insinuated something. (Oh, and she's supposed to be living with her bf. Quality.) Couldn't help it, I said I hated her. I did ask H why he hadn't just told her to stop calling. He said he had...but guess she "forgot." (Because she's a nutball, and rewrites history.)
Anyway, I helped H get ready to go. He really seems to like that kind of attention. He told me that I was really freaking him out...that he's afraid that I'm just hiding my real emotions. I told him nope...just had a chance to calm down. He said it felt like I trusted him again, like I used to two years ago. Oh, wow, did that surprise me. Not even close to true--I cringed inside when he mentioned a female name I hadn't hear before--but I didn't argue with him.
He actually kind of lingered when he gave me a hug. He even said he kind of hopes that he doesn't work tomorrow night, so we can spend some time together. Wow, that surprised me, since all he's talked about is getting money for that stupid trip. He even kind of paused at the door.
Yeah, I'm still irritated that he said some female name I didn't know. I don't really think it means anything. And I haaaate that I get left out of some of the stuff he does. I understand he wants to do his own thing sometimes, but I am just sooo sensitive to this.
I wasn't even going to get on the BB tonight, he just surprised me too much. Ah, well. Tomorrow, H could be mad at the world again. It's still not going to ruin my good mood.
Wow, that surprised me, since all he's talked about is getting money for that stupid trip. 
