Hey Sage. I'm glad to see that I helped you.

I am...actually starting to feel pretty good again. H is still all out of whack, but, I think I'm getting used to it.

No, actually, I have not read M/V. Is it really that good? I heard it talked about sooo much on TV when it came out, that I just wasn't interested. I have this weird thing where I actually really don't want a product if it's pushed too hard. Always makes me wonder, if it's so great, why is everyone trying so hard to sell it?

Anyway, you got me to thinking last night... I wonder if H has gotten the impression from me that any cave time is going to hurt/upset me? He generally takes things to extremes anyway...lol... I've never minded him having some alone time or whatever, just object to being completely ignored and ditched. (Which has happened in the past.) I think I'm going to encourage him to take some time to himself...

So...I decided to do nothing about V-Day. I just felt in my gut that right now is a really bad time...and after some input from another DBer...just left it alone. H has really been into his "I don't know how to make you happy" mode, and I was afraid that the wrong time or approach might just make him feel much worse. Especially since he seems to be coming apart a bit lately.

I probably won't even mention it until next year. To be honest, all I really wanted was an unsolicted call or maybe a flower and free ecard. I don't like gifts that much. I had waaaay more sugar than I should have while I was in Chicago, so I didn't want chocolates. Didn't want to eat out. Some cuddling would have been nice, but I was out of town on business. H pretty much knew all of this anway. And besides, he really does not respond well if he feels the least little bit attacked. (And, no, not makeing escuses......just thinking it through, which sometimes I don't do before I get upset with H.)

He called me early morning again yesterday, sounding very upset and fragile. I just want to give him a big hug and make it all better...although I know better. That fixer in me has been tamed, thank goodness. But, I do wonder if this is how he felt all those times when I was falling apart at the seams, and would come or call him in absolute tears. We talked for over an hour and a half...it did make me a little late for training, but I didn't tell him that.

I did ask him what happened to the ecard thing when I talked to him yesterday when he called me in the morning--just sort of "Hey, you asked for those links, did you not get a chance?" He kind of sheepishly admitted he hadn't figured out how to navigate the site and send one. So...mystery solved.

H was happy to see me when I did get home. He actually was getting ready for work. I chatted with him while he took a shower. He got upset because he was actually feeling self-conscious...even though he had asked me to stay in there. I told him it was okay, I had felt the same way before, too.

Again, for a guy who says he doesn't like to talk, he's calling me an awful lot lately. Just listening, and telling him I've felt a lot of things he is telling me...

He did mention one thing last night that really struck me. He said he felt like maybe we're just kidding ourselves, and that maybe we're just trying to hang on to something that is gone. (And, even if he doesn't remember, he's said this to me before.) H also keeps asking if we are okay, said he feels like we are coming apart at the seams. I told him that I don't feel that way, I have had those feelings. He keeps asking how long it took them to go away, and I honestly don't know...just that they sort of faded, until I stopped noticing it.

It occurred to me, last night, that this is probably what I used to sound like...I was always asking him if we were all right, even if I knew better that to do it. If that's the case, I can just do for him what I would have like done for me--be patient, listen, and be reassuring.

Something else I noticed...although H has been very busy, he's been making sure to tell me that he's busy. And that's just fine with me. I realized that it's not that he had other plans that bothered me, just that I felt out of the loop. I'm going to make sure to thank him for taking the time to tell me what he has going on. This morning he called me after he got out of work (4am) to say he wanted to have some breakfast with these people head met at the club, and asking when I left for work. He said he didn't want to miss me before I left, but just really felt like he needed to be out for awhile. (Cave time?? ) I told him not to worry about it... I wasn't the least bit worried since he called me before I noticed he hadn't come home--and because he had thought of me, too. I'll have to be sure to thank him. Maybe a nice massage?

Oh, he's also been mentioning that he wants to spend a couple of days away, maybe with friends. I told him I thought it was a good idea. And, BTW, this is actually exactly what he said last year a week before I got bomb #2. But guess what? I'm not panicked at all. Huh. I did tell him this morning, when he asked me about it, that I feel like there's nothing I can really do to stop him from going if that's what he wants. (Although, for me, I think that would be the last straw.) Of course I don't want him to, and I would be upset, but if he's going to...he's going to... He actually told me that attitude made him feel better. (Less pressure? )

Don't know what's going on with H. He's pretty worked up right now. Childhood shtuff? Just now starting to deal with his feelings on everything we've been through? Don't know. He did mention that, sometimes, he felt like he was subconsciously trying to sabotage us. Besides the fact that I'm getting a lot of repeat alien jargon, I've noticed he seems more aware of what may be going on with him. Which is why, I think, he's also frustrated by his own reactions. But, the fact that he sees some of this stuff gives me a lot of reassurance. When I started to see the things I was doing, however inadvertant...well, that was when I really began to understand how I could change them.

I'm really tired today...four hours in a car yesterday, blech. I can't wait to get home and take a nap. H said he wanted to spend some time cuddling together. I know he already has plans for later, but that's okay.

Hope everyone is having a nice day.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]