So...tonight is the first night that I have not gotten upset since I left for Chicago. Actually, I am feeling very good. (And no, nothing special for Valentine's Day...lol)

We wound up having a ton of R talks over the weekend. Yuck. H caught me on Friday while I was driving out to see my friend, and I was a wreck. I probably should not have answered the phone. But he made me talk to him... He wound up backing out of coming to see me over the weekend. I was disappointed, and actually mad for awhile, but I calmed down.

Friday evening, I was hanging out with my friend at the bar she works at. (She does the sound mixing for the lives bands.) We were both tired enough to be almost falling asleep. lol Although I had the worst of my flashbacks while I was there. There was this female bartender there...and that was enough to send me back into thinking of xow. Yuck yuck yuck yuck. (She was a bartender.) The flashbacks were really bad...I was actually shaking. I wound up trying to talk more with my friend, to get my mind off of stuff...

Saturday I didn't talk to H much. He apologized for not driving up, but said he had been too tired. I was calmed down, and okay with it, then. Besides, I was having fun the my FF and her BF. We went to another bar to watch his band play--he was nice enough to buy me some drinks. Yes, I got good and drunk. I don't do it much, and maybe this sounds bad, but when I do, it is such a tension reliever for me.

While I'm there, my phone rings. I see part of the number off of the caller ID, and think it's H. So I go into the restroom and answer it. It's some woman, who keep saying "Hey, it's me, quit fooling around!" And I have no idea who it is. lol I have no idea why I kept talking to her...probably because I was drunk. She finally mentioned H's name--and it's distinctive, so no mistaking it. I told her that this was his wife--probably said it much more harshly than I meant. lol She apologized, said they worked together, and needed to get a hold of him. She didn't sound weird or anything, so no red flags, and I know H does work with two women bartenders. I told her that she misdialed, that our numbers are one digit apart, and told her his number. Yes, I was a little weird, but no big deal.

Five minutes later, H calls me, wanted to know if I was mad. I told him no--and I wasn't, really. He said she was the female bartender he had mentioned before. (He has.) He also said she thought I sounded jealous on the phone. I said I had no idea what all I had said...lol...that I was drunk. He laughed and say that he was, too, and where he was at. We both had a good laugh. A couple of drunks talking to each other...lol... (He told me later, when we were both sober, what the convo was about.)

Went to bed around 4am. H calls at around 8am. I didn't answer the first time, but I did the second. He said he really need to talk. We spent over an hour on the phone. Mostly me just listening to him. This one was not such a bad talk. Although he did tell me one thing that very much upset me...that he had recently been afraid he didn't love me anymore. But he realized that was silly, since he also knew he didn't want me out of his life. And that he realized it was just because of all of the stress he's been under--that it just "masked" his other feelings for me. This kind of struck me, because it's the closest he's ever come to the ILBNILY line. I guess this probably explains the weird reactions I got not too long ago when I told him ILY.

I drove back to Chicago on Sunday. Got upset on the way over, so I called H. He didn't answer, so I left a message telling him I was just calling to say hi. He called me back, and we chatted for awhile. I wound up having to let him go--although I didn't let on that I was upset--because it was raining and dark, I wasn't familiar with the area, and my nighttime vision is kind of sketchy.

Got lost trying to find the hotel. Drove around Chicago for a bit...lol...

Was feeling pretty down when I got here. Wound up calling H. He figured out that I was upset, and our conversation started to escalate. I told him I wanted to go before I said something I didn't mean--I have such a hard time being careful of what I say once I get ramped up. He refused to let me go, said he couldn't stand it when I was upet. Kind of sweet, actually. We wound up talking for nearly two hours...

He kept asking me why I was so upset being away from him. I had slipped and told him that I had been upset every day for the last week. It's a bad habit of mine that I blurt out how much I'm hurt when I get worked up. I really need to stop. I finally did tell him that it was more because I had been having flashbacks. That the being apart and the phone calls reminded me so much of when we were living apart.

I did hear a lot of things from him. Strangely, they have calmed me down a lot. He admitted that he has always gotten these weird moods--even before we got married. That he just had hidden it better from me. Looking back, I can see the signs...little stuff he would say. I never thought much of it. H has always been a "the sky is falling" kind of guy. It's always about the worst-case-scenario with him.

I did ask him why he stopped hiding it from me. (As I recall, the first time he got withdrawn and moody was the summer after we got married. I have always wondered if it was because I was really cranky with him at the time...) He said, for one, he had not wanted to stress me out while I was in school, since I had so much going on with my field of study and finals and there was always some huge project. He then told me he also stopped keeping things from me because he felt he shouldn't anymore since we had gotten married. That he took his vows seriously (!!!!) and wanted to do things right. I have never heard him say anything like that.

These two things alone made me feel so much better. So much stuff made sense to me, then. I thanked him today for sharing that with me.

We also discussed my possibly seeing a counselor. Not sure how we're going to afford it. I told him I didn't want to mess us up just because my crazymaker gets the reins and runs wild on me at times. I would love it if he would go, but he has this real aversion to counseling...said he tried it before, and all it did was make him feel worse. I'm hoping that if I can find a good one, and it helps me, maybe he will be willing to go for some couples therapy time. If not, that's okay, too.

H called me early this morning. Which was kind of good, since I was having trouble waking up. We talked for another before my training...only hung up because I had to go. For a guy who says talking doesn't make him feel any better, he sure seems to want to do it a lot.

He called me again just at the end of my class, and clearly had just woken up. lol I called him when I got back to the hotel. Another hour conversation. Some interesting stuff...

We talked about maybe we moved back in together too soon. I have actually been thinking that for a little while, and I found it interesting he said the same thing. (Maybe H didn't get whatever it is that he needs to worked out.) No, we weren't talking seperation or anything, just living apart for some time again. He said one of the reasons he pretty much moved in with me again was he couldn't stand living with his mom. (They are a lot alike.) But he doesn't want to move out, either, because he would miss me--and he doesn't want the stress from his family.

We talked about possibly living apart for some time after he gets to the army and we move to Arizona. Although, we both thought it might be interesting to see how we are feeling after he does basic. He did repeat that he sees that as the most drastic step, and doesn't want to do that. I told him I would be okay with it, just living apart, but no seperation. I can understand he just may need some more time on his own. To be honest, it really did shape him up in a lot of areas. I was okay with that idea a year and a half ago, until xow convinced him he should seperate from me. Oh, well.

He also told me he still feels smothered at times, that he's afraid of how much I love him and that he won't be able to live up to my expectations. And he told me that he feels like he doesn't know how to make me happy. Hm. I'm thinking he may be asking me for some help here, since this is a topic that has come up a lot.

Oh, I also told H last night that I had suddenly realized that his lesser sex drive stopped bothering me so much. I used to get really hurt by it and feeling very unnattractive. I don't know when, but recently it stopped upsetting me. H is just...less interested than me.

So...things that I am doing that seem to be helping me.

I quit trying to chart all of the ups and downs, when he's alien, when he's not. In the past, this did work for me, because it was like sifting out all the good signs. It wasn't working for me the last month or so...just made me mad at the inconsistancies. Yeah, I know, silly...we all feel different at different times...but, hey, I have this weird thing where I hate discrepancies.

I have pulled back physically. Clearly he needed some space. When he gets like this, he calls me clingy...when he's in the mood for it, I'm affectionate. He has thanked me several times, said that I am giving him space, and he appreciates it.

H has also asked that I stop asking questions. I have really, really tried...it's so hard, sometimes. He promised to tell me more if I didn't push, and he has been trying to hold to that bargain. I do want to inquire about him and be interested in what's going on with him, but it's hard to tell what he finds intrusive sometimes.

And, in general, I am trying to reeeeelaaaaax. lol I have this tendency to get really, really wound up. And, I am much better than I used to be. Just keep reminding myself...sometimes, it just doesn't matter.

Something else that finally clicked with me. I only have a year or so with events that traumatized me. (And I was clearly traumatized...I get flashbacks, and sometimes very physical reactions.) And I get funny and withdrawn at times, even though I know I don't want to necessarily get away from H. H has a lot more stuff going on. I've always know that, but suddenly so much of his back-and-forth made sense to me. He's always said it wasn't about me. But suddenly, it sunk in to me what he might be feeling, and what might be motivating him. And wow, do I have this new insight into his perspective...

I'm also starting to just filter out the nonsense stuff he says. After all, it's basically the same stuff he's said in the past. I'm going to start putting it off to just "H's moods" when he talks like this. lol

I also decided sometime last yesterday that a lot of our intense discussions really aren't anything new to our R. I remember having them before. I remember H getting the same jery attitude. But I got over them much more quickly. (Although, I'm sure a lot of my problem now is because, when he got really mad this last time, he walked on me...) So, since perception is reality, I decided I was going to quit mentalling picturing our M as coming apart at the seams. lol I am now going to picture it as a perfectly normal M, which is recovering from a rough spot, and we are too very human people. And guess what? Do I feel a lot better!

Nothing special for Valentine's. (I saw it referred to as "VD" somewhere...haha...somehow I couldn't write that... ) I sent H a free ecard. I didn't get anything. He was going on again about how Valentine's is a comercially stuffed holiday, and he doesn't need one particular day to tell me he loves me. Very much his personality... Yes, I would love to have gotten something, even a little free ecard. But, oh well, I really wasn't expecting anything. And it is honestly okay with me.

Going home tomorrow evening! I can't wait...I miss my dog and my two kitties...and, of course, H.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]