Just...needed a break...

ATM, I'm in Chicago for training. Thank goodness for laptops and high speed internet!

I had also gotten the impression lately that some of you were frustrated with my H...and it was something I really needed to not hear in order to focus. I know you all mean well... ...it just wasn't helping me.

Got myself a new plan, and things were going better for awhile. Now H is really stressed--GED test today and tomorrow. He even went over to my parents' house to study last night since I'm out of town. (!!) I know these are all things that make him withdraw, and feel "weird." (I am getting so sick of hearing him say that.)

So...new plan... Let Go Seems to be working well.

I'm realizing some of my expectations for H have been unrealistic...that I can't even adhere to them, just in my work environment. If I can't--voluntarily--do this stuff, how can I expect him to? We also got a new analyst in my department...I'm noticing that she does some of things I've been complaining that H does. And they are definately innocent. Hm. Too hard on H again.

Since I've started the "Let Go"--again, actually, this worked in the past...--H has generally been offering more information on what he's doing, who he's talking to, etc. Wants to make sure I'm not upset.

I also know H has set some boundaries for himself, in his conduct around women in general. Maybe not what I would prefer, but boundaries nonetheless...hey, it's a start, since our relationship was incredibly casual up until bomb #1. And he does acknowledge, now, that intimate conversation with a woman isn't a good idea. He even felt bad one time when he slipped and was having a bad day, and talked to a FF of his...

Also noticed that he's been trying to include me. He actually asked me if I maybe wanted to visit some new friends of ours one night, when he was in one of his moods. This is a major first for him. We wound up not going, but, still, that's not the point...

I'm having a hard time with this whole Chicago training thing. I know I'm only four hours away from home...but it brought up a lot of bad memories for me. Some actual flashbacks. I was having anxiety for the couple of days right before I left...no, it's not as bad as when H went to California back in November. I did break down and cry a couple of times, though.

But as I was leaving...ugh...yes, flashbacks. I remember when H kicked me out of the apartment, when I went and took some clothes...I just stuffed a bunch of stuff in a bag, clean and dirty. He offered to help me take it down to the car, and I was sooo furious with him. Why place nice, when he was forcing me out of my home? That one kept running through my head when H carried my bag downstairs for me Sunday night...

And staying in a hotel. Yuck. I remember how I could hardly sleep, I was so anxious my stomach was upset... I remember BIL2 calling me from Kuwait to make sure I was okay. And then, after we talked, H calling me and yelling, demanding, to know what I had told his brother--telling me I couldn't talk to his brother.

I didn't do too bad after I got here last night. Wandered around Chicago for a bit, trying to find the hotel. I'm lousy with directions. But I got here and found it okay. It's a nice hotel...

I was fine during the day, during training. Had to do more work than I wanted after the training. Whatever, what are you going to do...

Feeling pretty alone tonight. I miss H, and I miss my animals. I really miss my dog. H said she misses me, too. He was a little weird on the phone earlier...but I'm not surprised, since he's been so stressed. I'm just upset and lonely tonight...more remembering past hurts than anything else.

H keeps asking me if I'm having fun. Sorry, business trip to Chicago and me not having any extra money isn't fun. I and my team lead have been suckered into all day training, plus site maintenance afterwards. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I'm just trying to figure out how to squeeze in some gym time. I know...this would be his idea of fun...but, really, I miss my computer. (Don't laugh, I am a geek...lol...)

And it's kind of difficult to know how to handle it with H. 99% of the time, he nails me when I just try to hide the fact that I'm upset. Although I've been able to beg off on "flu" for the last week. If I don't tell him, it bothers him that I'm upset. If I do...well...then he gets upset because he's hurt me. Ugh. No winning...although it seems to work better when I let him ask me, instead of me just dumping on him...

One day down. Eight more to go. H is coming up this weekend...I'm visiting a very good FF of mine, and he wants to come to. (And he kept talking about fixing his car, so he could some see me. )

Feeling better after some writing... It always does good for me.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]