My poor little 'puter is gonna melt...

LOL!!

Guess I've been drawing too much...it started complaining that windoze was low on virtual memory. I've had some more RAM I've been meaning to put into it...my dad gave me some since I've been complaining. I guess three instances of Bryce all running at once just didn't make it too happy. I wonder why?? LOL (Geek translation: I was making it work much harder than it wanted to.)

So, put some more RAM in...gonna make sure it doesn't blow up before I add the other stick. (And if anybody is wondering, no, they don't really blow up...)

Anyway. Seeing less alien every day. Just letting him do his thing, and I'm doing mine. Actually, if anything, he seems rather paranoid that I'm upset all of the time. The last few times when I've just been sleepy, he's asked me if I was feeling okay. Very sweet, yes, but really...I'm just tired...

Finally got my license reinstated!! So now I can legally drive...not that I was driving without it... The whole thing was so anticlimactic. After all that fuss about paying the wrong court and trying to get to the courthouse to get the stupid paper...I was in and out of the DMV in under five minutes. Couldn't believe it. I had been avoiding going to the reinstatement center on Thursdays--the only day they are open late in the evening--because I was convinced I would just be stuck there forever. Last week I was too hungry to deal with it. I've tried going on lunch before, and couldn't get through fast enough...never seemed to be able to get up on Saturday.

Well, last night, I decided that it was on my way home, and I really need to address this procrastination issue I have. I wound up getting stuck behind a nasty wreck and stuck on the interstate for a good 30 minutes...walked into the branch 20 minutes before they were going close. I couldn't believe there were only two other people in the whole place! I literally got my number, and then immediately I was called up. Gave the lady my form, she tapped like three keys, and said "You're done." Sheesh.... I asked for a copy--to be safe, of course --and that was the only thing that cost me. Of all the ridiculous nonsense... So...I can now drive again!

H has not been home the last two days when I got home. Strangely, I'm not panicking...he was, of course, at the gym. (He's rather proud of himself that he seems to have dropped some of that excess weight he picked up last year when he was stress-eating. )

H has also been indicating that he wants to spend more time with me. Clearly the no-pressure has been helping him. Actually, he has thanked me repeatedly for it. Strangely, I don't even feel like I'm in limbo anymore... He's not leaving, and not terribly inclined to, or he would have taken off already. H has been more affectionate on the phone, calling me more frequently, and wanting to cuddle more.

Oh...and we talked some earlier about how he doesn't include me with his friends. Actually, he brought it up...said he was trying, but that it was hard... I told him it was okay, I understand what it's like to change something about yourself, and go against that nasty feeling in your stomach. He asked that I let him do it on his own pace, and I said that was fine. (Why wouldn't it be? He's trying, and that's the most important thing to me...)

Hm, what a difference a week can make...

We did have a couple of interesting conversations earlier. In one, H mentioned that he is aware I have my limits. He said he appreciates me being patient with him, and asked why I did it. I said because I would want him to do the same for me--and asked him if he would. He said of course he would, and sounded very sincere.

H also noted earlier that I'm not freaking out every time he mentions us possibly splitting up, like I used to do. (On a couple occasions I actually invited him to leave, if that's what he wanted... ) I just told him I feel like I've "been there, done that"--and, yes, I would be upset, and cry, but my tolerance for BS is sooo much lower now...I just wouldn't play that drama game again. Don't know what he though of that, but it's the truth, so it doesn't really matter to me.

I've stopped analyzing. Yes, I'm still looking for patterns...I can't seem to help it, it's the programmer in me. I just see loops everywhere I go...lol... And, we seem to be moving through this at a fairly decent rate. That's okay, I really think H has some personal stuff he needs to work through. And, as he keeps telling me over and over and over and over...he does better processing by himself. Actually, he tends to come back more affectionate, considerate, and in a better mood.

I'm also re-remembering some stuff I had figured out before. Guess I'm a slow learner. I've had that desire to withdraw myself a few times...some anger, some depression...just been trying to remember that those feelings are really just covering up some kind of pain. I actually try to visualize opening up like a flower to whatever it is I'm feeling deep down, and that seems to help. I'm consciously trying to not shut down, and just accept my hurt feelings for what they are, and not let them fester or run me over.

I can kind of see in H's behavior the things I know I feel. Which makes me inclined to think it's something buried deep inside that he's struggling with to accept about himself. He did have a lot happen to him as a child... I actually thought he was starting to process this stuff right before he got all "weird" (alien) on me again...but, who knows. Oh, he has "reasons" and "justifications"--now that I know what I'm looking for, I can see he's done this about this time of year every year...just different "reasons"... I know, analyzing again. Just a gut feeling, especially since he's been talking about his father so much lately, and possibly going to see him--he indicated earlier that he would like to tell him off (stand up to him?) now that he's an adult.

I've also put myself back in charge of my own healing. The last few weeks have reopened some things I thought I had dealt with. Kind of like the scab got knocked off. (What a gross analogy...lol...) I did tell H earlier it's not what he's doing now that's hurting me...it's just brought back some memories from before. Some really painful ones. I don't know if I got that across to him like I meant it or not, but I hope so. But I realized that, although it was H's actions that hurt me, only I can truly heal myself. Yes, this one of those things that I had figured out...and somehow forgotten again over the last few months... Kind of frustrating. Do I really learn that slowly?? lol

Anyway, spending a quiet evening at home with me tonight. Doing some drawing on the computer...just relaxing... We have a night out planned tomorrow with BIL2 and a couple of his friends. Bowling--should be interesting, with my messed up shoulder and all. H and I both think I should try using my left hand...lol...that'll be real funny.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]