H seemed pretty "normal" after he got back from the gym. When he got in the shower, I took some clothes in for him. He usually asks me to get him this stuff anyway, but he didn't, so I just did it anyway. (AOS ) Well, H had already gotten some clothes, but he did thank me.

He was in a pretty good mood after he got out. Was playing music and dancing with the dog. All normal H stuff. We were chatting while I ate...he even said a couple of things he thought might have upset me, then quickly offered some reassurances.

I told him that he looked good when before he left for work.

Wound up drawing most of the night...just couldn't bring myself to go to the gym, even though I know I should...

I must have been out with the dog when he called. But H left me a nice vmail. Said he was sorry for stressing me out, that I was wonderful, he appreciated my understanding, and that he loved me. I left a return vmail when I went to bed--something sappy, I can't recall.

Around 4:30am, when H usually gets home from work, the dog started barking. Woke me up, but it wasn't him. I was tempted to call...but I've been wanting to stay really backed off...so I didn't. I had a lot of trouble going back to sleep. When he's not home at a usual time, it's just so hard for me to stay asleep. I do remember dreaming about the BB--kept dreaming that I was writing to different people.

Not sure exactly when H got home, but it was late. He came in and kissed me (and eeew, reaked of bar...I hate that smell...lol), then took the dog for a walk. I could hear him on the computer for some time after that.

Then he came into the bedroom, layed down next to me, and wanted to talk around 6:30am. He said he wanted to talk to me, and thought 6:30 was a better time to wake me. He's still waking me up...but yes, thoughtful. I did thank him for that. (Hey, I have been telling him he can always talk to me...he just usually wants to talk in the middle of the night...)

He told me he had been invited out to breakfast after work. I wanted to ask who with...but kept my mouth shut. I could tell it was a group of people, so that's fine. Just didn't want him to take my curiosity wrong. He mentioned some girl flirting with him, and him telling her he wasn't interested. I reminded him--gently--that I had asked him not to tell me these stories because they hurt my feelings. He apologized, said he would try to remember.

Later, it occurred to me that maybe he's telling me these to actually reassure me--to point out that he is turning these people down. I usually chime in with "Did you tell her you were married?" And I'm usually not happy if he didn't give that exact answer. But, maybe he really is trying to just be upfront and honest with me. A lot of times, I can't tell that he's doing/saying something as reassurance, since it's not what I would expect or do.

Then again, he may really just be innocently telling me about his day at work. He used to tell me this stuff all of the time, and it never bothered me before. I think he's also confused on why it would upset me now, since it didn't in the past. (I know, it seems obvious to us on this side of things, but...)

I got some of the typical alien stuff from him... I must say, I have never gotten the ILYBNILY line. I'm getting less panicky about it--sometimes it strikes me as him just giving me everything off the top of his head, as it comes to him.

More of the "it feels funny" and "will it go away." He thanked me, again, for "letting" him go to his friends' for dinner tonight.

I did find out some interesting stuff, though... H was telling me why he thinks he's so "protective" of his friends. He genuinely is afraid they won't be "his" anymore. (He's very much this way with material things, too, actually.) He was telling me he thinks it because his father left him (and his brothers) for a "new" family. (This should sound familiar to some people out there!) And he felt very replaced. His dad also had the nasty habit of taking H's toys, and giving them to his other children. (By various different women, BTW.) I was kind of surprised...more that H shared this with me than anything... He was actually starting to do this more right before he turned all alien on me. (I actually told H he had aliens in his brain, and he got a good laugh out of it...)

H also did tell me that he was trying to figure out how to not do this with me. But that it was very, very hard for him...and to just let him move at his own pace. This, I am more than happy to do (I am happy that he sees it as something to improve on.)

He also told me that he feels like a loser, like he has no direction in his life. (Okay, the guy has been sitting in the apartment for the last several months, playing "househusband." But it really was up to him...) And he thinks getting into the army and pushing forward and getting his life in order will help. I do agree.

It occurred to me that he may hate this time of year because his birthday is coming up. In the past, he has always griped to me about how he hated his birthday, how he was getting old and nothing accomplished. Last year, he was pretty down on his birthday. (Although did call me up, out of the blue, wanting to see me. ) And he did lighten up pretty quickly last year after it passed... He'll be 29 this April, and I know that hitting 30 without getting where he wants to be is really weighing on him. (Not that I think 30 is old! )

He asked me again, if he left again, would I be angry with him. (Duh...) I told him that's it, I'm not fighting anymore. If he were to leave again, yes I would cry, but that would be the end of it. He commented, sounding sad, that it would be three times to have walked out on me...how much he hated that I was upset before, and it hurt him to see the pain he caused me. He said he was sorry; I said I was, too.

He said how, before, he had left because he felt like he wasn't making me happy. I can see that, the things I was doing to give him that impression--and I've worked hard to correct it. He said he doesn't feel that way now, though.

He also said, if he was going to take off, he would have done it by now. That he's had that feeling for awhile, but he's just not listening to it. (Learning to move beyond the feelings, maybe??) He talked about how he had this dream, where there was a book representing our R. And it was at the end, and a hand was trying to close it. But he was trying to stuff more pages in, trying to write more, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. I actually rather like the symbolism of it. He talked about how I was his "teddy bear" at night, and he had trouble going to sleep without me there. We were snuggled up close, and he commented that he didn't have that feeling where he wanted to physically get away, like he did before. Directly before and after both bomb#1 and bomb#2, H was sleeping on the couch, couldn't hardly stand for me to touch him.

I dozed back off again, and overslept. This is such a problem...I need to figure out a way to get up and get to work on time...it's so hard with all of these late night conversations with H.

I do feel less panicky about the whole thing. It hurts, yes...but less because of what he's saying and doing than because it just brings back so many painful memories. Stuff I would rather have just left buried. He's acting different, yes, but not anywhere near he did a year ago after bomb#2. Actually, I think he's making an effort to not be harsh. Which I appreciate. And, at times, I do see him just relaxing and having some fun.

H really seems to respond well to me staying backed off, letting go, and being independent. In the past, this quickly snowballed into him wanting to spend lots of time with me. (QT for me, yay! ) Not sure how long it will take for him to sort through stuff with me around... I'm not totally ignoring him, either. Just...letting him set the pace. I've seriously cut down the number and frequency of the ILY's--pretty much following his lead. And just sticking to the affectionate stuff that I know he likes the most...when I call him goodnight, when I kiss him as I head off to work in the morning...that sort of thing. I noticed he has been initiating a little more lately. He does like PT as much as I do.

We'll see. Patience, patience, patience... He's always given me much, much more in return.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]