So...cried on my way home in the car. Wiped my eyes real quick before I came up to the apartment.

H seemed pretty happy to see me. Said he'd been studying. ( ) This has got to be the most dedicated I've ever seen him--he's figured that the TV has to be off--and POOF! he's getting more done now. I am actually very enthused for him.

He came over and gave me a big hug, no initiation on my part. I started some food cooking; he said he was going to the gym now, because he works tonight. No hissy fit from me.

I mentioned that we'd made the hotel reservations for the Chicago training session at work--that I'll be gone for ten days total. He asked when I was leaving, and I told him Sunday evening the 4th, and I wouldn't be back until Tuesday the 11th. His comment: "Wow, that is ten days." (Can't wait to see my FF!! Yay!!) He commented, again, that he would probably come visit me.

Then he mentioned that he might have some people over while I was gone, have some parties or something. I said that was cool. He also said he might go stay the night with a couple of his MF's. (I think these guys are great, actually. ) I didn't say anything, but he could tell I was puzzled. He asked me why--and I said I didn't understand why he can't have people over with me here. He got this confused look, said he didn't know, either. Oh well. I told him he could have people over if he wanted.

He did make one comment about how I was cooking--that I had the burner up too high. I snapped back, said that's how I always cook. We quibbled a bit...I know, bad DB ...no excuse, except I always get like this when I'm hungry. (In extreme cases, I get shaky...and then foggy...) He apologized, I apologized. We changed the subject.

H said he just feels grumpy because he he's been upset all day, and that he wouldn't be surprised if his eyes looked red. I told him I didn't know...and admitted that I had been upset earlier, and that was why I had called him at lunch. He said it was okay, and came over to hold me--held out his arms to me while I was sitting down. I layed my head on his shoulder, and he said that he was just scared that I was going to leave him. I told him that I was scared he is going to leave me. We kind of laughed over that.

H told me again that he's felt "funny" ever since Sunday. (Did I knock some fear into him? Did I got too far? Hm...maybe it's healthy for him to realize that I do have a limit...although I'm certainly not looking for an exit...) I told him I understood. He said he didn't think so. So I said "Do you feel like we're irreparably damaged? Like it can't be fixed, even though you want to?" He said yes, but there's more...I told him again it goes away...he said he hoped so. Maybe this response on my part isn't helping? Maybe, the next time he brings it up, I should just say "I can understand why you might feel that way." (Picked that up on another thread somewhere. )

Oh...H also noted that I would be out of town for the date of his GED test. He said he'd been hoping that I could help him with the math stuff. I kind of joked that maybe he could send me the problems via email, and I could help him over the phone. Then, he actually suggested that maybe my mom could help him. !!!! Wow, he's been afraid of them for the last year!!! He actually suggested that he just might go over there for the day. I'm genuinely proud of him.

Anyway, he just left for the gym. I'm thinking some alone time, for both of us, will help right now. But, geeze, if he's just worried about us...and us feeling "broken"....give me a few weeks to work at his LL's. I can handle that one!!

So, I'm actually really looking forward to the Chicago trip. And getting to see my FF. I think his trip will actually be good for him...do some college research, see his friends back in CA. My FF is as important as his CA friends to him, so I do get that. Knowing H, he will probably end up cutting his planned trip short.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]