Well, H just called again, "Just to say hi." Probably not going to see him at all tonight, but that's okay. I'm thinking a little "apart time" will be nice.
He sounded pretty shaky on the phone. I asked if he was okay. He said yeah. I asked if he was sure. He said no, he still feels like things are "broken." He claims he never felt this way before, but I'm not so sure he just doesn't have alien-amnesia. I told him it would be okay.
It's hard for me to have a convo with him at work--too many people can hear. We chatted for a bit. I redirected him to the cars. He can't seem to shut up about getting his car back. He did tell me I had messed up his brake pads, nearly damaged the rotars, and had done something to the boot. Whoops. I apologized...he is right...
I ended the conversation after just a few minutes. He sounded kind of shaky on the phone. I think I must have really scared him last night. In a weird way, I'm not sorry...I kind of want him to realize that it's not always up to him, if that makes any sense. And, although I would never want to hurt him, at the same time, I really would like for him to get my POV.
Headed up to my FF's for dinner tonight. Lots more GAL type stuff planned...
Hi Nevanna, I finally got here to post to you. I got caught up last week, but never got a chance to post. Wow, you've had sooooo much stuff going on. and, Wow, you've done a great job of dealing with it.
I know lots of people here will disagree with this, but I don't think it's always all bad to let them know how frustrated we are sometimes with their "crap". It sounds like your H got the message loud and clear. Now good for you for stepping back to see what he does with it.
I was struck also when I read your list of the changes your H has been working at. I read somewhere recently, I think it may have been in a book and not here on the bb, that there is a BIG difference between making changes slowly, trying to make changes and backsliding, and refusing to change or to even admit that change is needed. That really hit home with me
Thanks for all your support on my thread. I dont' know what I'd do with out it!!!! This is really a dizzying ride, isn't it?
Hm. I'm kind of sorry I blew my lid yesterday...but, at the same time, it sure got a lot of tension out of me. I am much calmer and more in control today. Guess I needed to get it out of my system.
H called me twice more this evening. Once to see why I was home late. I told him I was already at FF's house--he sounded a little down, since he'd thought I would be home from work first. And then again, when he got out of the gym. He caught me just before I got home. Said he was hungry...so I offered him my left-overs.
When I got home, he was already taking off to see his MF. ( I had rather planned it this way...felt like putting some space between us so we could both de-energize for a day.) He seemed distant, and, well, alien. But no biggie. Asked me to do some things for him, which I did--AOS.
And he just now called me again to ask me something. Said he would call me back later to double-check...
He seems physically distant--very detached--but more sociable on the phone. Hm. Whatever. His issues, not mine!
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I was struck also when I read your list of the changes your H has been working at. I read somewhere recently, I think it may have been in a book and not here on the bb, that there is a BIG difference between making changes slowly, trying to make changes and backsliding, and refusing to change or to even admit that change is needed.
It was funny, but I didn't realize how much he really had done until he started rattling it off. He does have a point--I'm not giving him enough credit.
And, I see your point, too... The fact that he is making changes, no matter how far away he may seem, is good. Sure, he's whining and griping about how he doesn't want to--but, overall, I think he is putting effort in. And, we're all looking long-term, or we wouldn't be here.
I had a fun time with FF last night. We went out to eat, chit chatted. Told her H and I had a fight on Sunday, but not much else. It was interesting, since she mentioned her bf would say some of the same weird things--"I want to live alone," etc. Wonder if it's just a guy thing in the winter?? LOL
H did call me while I was at the gym. He sure does call me a lot... (I haven't been calling him as much. ) He wanted to know if I had balanced the checkbook like he'd asked. I told him that I had before I went to the gym--think I surprised him. (Small 180?? ) We chatted about the kittie food, decided we wanted some groceries. He said he was almost home, so I asked him if he wanted me to swing by and pick him on the way to Kroger. I could hear him shut down--he said "No, I feel weird." I just said okay, and went by myself.
I got a little misty while I was at the Kroger...ran across a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and that whole mess. It's hard enough without having the stupid magazines smear it all over the place...
Got the stuff, went home. Didn't see H's car there, and got kind of upset just thinking of it. I got all of the groceries, and figured out H was home after all--guess I just didn't see the car. He opened the door for me and took the bags. I could tell he was distant. But he didn't go out last night--just stayed in and studied.
He did mention to me that he didn't know if he could do the things I asked of him the other day. I think the problem lies in really understanding what I want, instead of what he thinks I want... I'm just going to let him sit on this one...not going to backtrack what I said...but I'm certainly amenable to a midway solution.
The guy really strikes me as someone who is depressed right now. I don't know what about, but it's just in his whole demeanor. He's withdrawn, irritable...even grumpy with the dog. I got some more of the "It doesn't feel the same," and "We're broken, it can't be fixed." Last night I tried to tell him it was okay, I've felt the same, etc. This morning it occurred to me that this may come across an unvalidating. I'll have to pay attention to this in the future.
I do recall him coming in and trying to talk to me while was asleep. This is getting old...I work in the mornings, and I just can't keep letting him talk to me in the middle of the night. And, to be honest, sometimes I can't stay awake, even if I try. But geeze, does he complain if I get him up on the weekend!
Not sure when he came to bed. I did notice that he snuggled with me when he was asleep. Actually, he was really close to me when I woke up this morning. Tells me that, underneath whatever is making his brain go nuts, he still wants to be close.
Unfortunately, H got up to use the restroom in the middle of the night, and let the dog out of the bedroom. There was an accident on the floor. I just put a towel on it--I'll clean it when I get home--and left it at that.
Noticed the dog following me around all morning. I wonder if he's ignoring her, too? Usually she only follows me so much when he's not at home.
I gave him a kiss and hug goodbye as usual. He seemed groggy, but affectionate.
I woke up feeling a bit unwanted and depressed. Then I got angry. On the way to work, I just cried. This sucks.
Positive: H is still at home. His reactions to what I do/say seem to be much more immediate...
Drawback: Because H is at home so much, I don't have much time or opportunity for just "down time" to deal with my feelings--and the "as if" is much harder. Think I'm going to have make more "me" time during the week.
And...try to figure out small reasons to come home later. Maybe just stop to pick up some stuff on the way. He did call me yesterday since he was "worried" about me. Hm.
So, just going to do my own thing for awhile. Inviting him along doesn't seem to help...just going to give him room to deal with whatever it is that has him so preoccupied.
And for a guy who says he doesn't want to talk, he sure wakes me up a lot. lol
Oh...noticed something else...being the little snoop that I am, I noticed he hasn't talked with FF in AZ for a couple of days. (Hey--the phones are in my name, and I pay for them...) Hm...wonder if he really did listen to all of my yelling...
So I've been having a bad day...really bad...went out to a park for lunch and just cried. Called H once--no answer, so I left him a mesage. "Just calling to say hi!"
Couldn't quit crying. And I just wanted to talk to him so badly... So I called him again. No answer. I didn't necessarily expect "my" H--just wanted so friendly chit chat. Kept crying. I knew I needed to go back to work soon, and I called him again. I know...
Anyway, H finally did answer. Said he'd been trying to sleep in, since he works tonight. Oops. I apologized--I had forgotten. Told him I was just bored on lunch, and wanted to say hi.
He was pretty cheery. We talked about how it had warmed up today. (Woohoo, it's the 40's outside! ) I told him I was at a park enjoying the weather. Didn't let on that I was upset. I did roll me eyes a few times while we were talking. It is so much easier to hide things over the phone! LOL
I told him I was headed back to work, and he told me that I could talk to him for a few minutes longer. ( ) So we chatted while I drove.
He talked about how it might be helpful to me to get one of those cell headsets like he was using. I agreed. (Even though I hate ear pieces like that...they just hurt me...) He also was talking about his plan for after the GED and going to school--said he wants to for college here soon, and he thought his trip would be a good opportunity to check out colleges in Arizona. Which I told him was a great idea--and I really do think so! I'm glad he seems so motivated on this. He quipped that it's a good thing that he has friends out there--and made some comment about me not needing to accuse him.
I was offended--and asked, kind of defensive, what I had said this time. He apologized, agreed that I hadn't said anything. We both dropped the subject.
Chatted for a bit more. He mentioned (again) that he's having dinner with friends. I said I remembered. He thanked me for being understanding--said that this is exactly what he needs. That actually made me feel much, much better.
If I knew for sure this was just some emotional phase or some junk like that, I wouldn't be nearly so worried. We all have our moods. I'm just so gun shy...it really has me flipped out.
I am glad I got to talk to him. No, he wasn't his normal sappy self...but that's fine...he just didn't sound so distant and cranky.
Nevanna - do you know this FF in Arizona? If you called and spoke to her, do you think you'd get the same story H told you?
I don't know, I'm not there, but I still get this very uncomfortable feeling about this all. He makes these daily calls to a FF in Arizona, now has to take a trip there by himself??????
Ellie--me too. I thought the same thing that you did.
But, this trip has been in the works for the last month...ultimately, he wants to got to CA (driving), and he's been talking so much about school and moving there (which has always been the plan, for years). I think this may actually just be a coincidence...especially since I know that he wants Phoenix, and Tucson (where she is) is 1) out of the way of his trip and 2) he really wants Phoenix, not Tucson and 3) he actually has other, childhood friends in Phoenix.
Besides...I know H hasn't talked to her since I blew up on Sunday. (Snooping, yes.) And, even if he was talking to her, would I be able to stop him? If he were to pull that kind of BS on me...well...that would be it. End of story. But I don't really see that happening, anyway. With xow, all I heard about was how cool she was and how alike they were and blah blah blah. And then with psycho, all I heard was about her and MF. H is not acting that way now. To be honest, his calls to FF in AZ were short. Do I think it has potential for trouble? Yes. Especially if I push.
But I also know H. He gets this real kick out of meeting new people, talking to them...and then he gets sick of them pretty quickly. Does it all the time, male and female. He just likes meeting people, but they wear off for him.
I'm also betting this is a symptom of his current restlessness. He wants to just talk and talk with people--anybody--when he gets like this.
So...cried on my way home in the car. Wiped my eyes real quick before I came up to the apartment.
H seemed pretty happy to see me. Said he'd been studying. ( ) This has got to be the most dedicated I've ever seen him--he's figured that the TV has to be off--and POOF! he's getting more done now. I am actually very enthused for him.
He came over and gave me a big hug, no initiation on my part. I started some food cooking; he said he was going to the gym now, because he works tonight. No hissy fit from me.
I mentioned that we'd made the hotel reservations for the Chicago training session at work--that I'll be gone for ten days total. He asked when I was leaving, and I told him Sunday evening the 4th, and I wouldn't be back until Tuesday the 11th. His comment: "Wow, that is ten days." (Can't wait to see my FF!! Yay!!) He commented, again, that he would probably come visit me.
Then he mentioned that he might have some people over while I was gone, have some parties or something. I said that was cool. He also said he might go stay the night with a couple of his MF's. (I think these guys are great, actually. ) I didn't say anything, but he could tell I was puzzled. He asked me why--and I said I didn't understand why he can't have people over with me here. He got this confused look, said he didn't know, either. Oh well. I told him he could have people over if he wanted.
He did make one comment about how I was cooking--that I had the burner up too high. I snapped back, said that's how I always cook. We quibbled a bit...I know, bad DB ...no excuse, except I always get like this when I'm hungry. (In extreme cases, I get shaky...and then foggy...) He apologized, I apologized. We changed the subject.
H said he just feels grumpy because he he's been upset all day, and that he wouldn't be surprised if his eyes looked red. I told him I didn't know...and admitted that I had been upset earlier, and that was why I had called him at lunch. He said it was okay, and came over to hold me--held out his arms to me while I was sitting down. I layed my head on his shoulder, and he said that he was just scared that I was going to leave him. I told him that I was scared he is going to leave me. We kind of laughed over that.
H told me again that he's felt "funny" ever since Sunday. (Did I knock some fear into him? Did I got too far? Hm...maybe it's healthy for him to realize that I do have a limit...although I'm certainly not looking for an exit...) I told him I understood. He said he didn't think so. So I said "Do you feel like we're irreparably damaged? Like it can't be fixed, even though you want to?" He said yes, but there's more...I told him again it goes away...he said he hoped so. Maybe this response on my part isn't helping? Maybe, the next time he brings it up, I should just say "I can understand why you might feel that way." (Picked that up on another thread somewhere. )
Oh...H also noted that I would be out of town for the date of his GED test. He said he'd been hoping that I could help him with the math stuff. I kind of joked that maybe he could send me the problems via email, and I could help him over the phone. Then, he actually suggested that maybe my mom could help him. !!!! Wow, he's been afraid of them for the last year!!! He actually suggested that he just might go over there for the day. I'm genuinely proud of him.
Anyway, he just left for the gym. I'm thinking some alone time, for both of us, will help right now. But, geeze, if he's just worried about us...and us feeling "broken"....give me a few weeks to work at his LL's. I can handle that one!!
So, I'm actually really looking forward to the Chicago trip. And getting to see my FF. I think his trip will actually be good for him...do some college research, see his friends back in CA. My FF is as important as his CA friends to him, so I do get that. Knowing H, he will probably end up cutting his planned trip short.
) This has got to be the most dedicated I've ever seen him--he's figured that the TV has to be off--and POOF! he's getting more done now.