OMG, I'm such a mess.... In the entire last eight months, I have never yelled at him NEVER!! I have tried so incredibly hard to be understanding and to see his side. But I completely and totally blew up at him. Told him that I was sick to death of hearing about other women. How they come into the bar. How they flirt with him. How they find him attractive. I told him he must get something out of it, and I am TIRED of his BS. I'm sick of his stupid "privacy." I told him it's no coincidence that everytime he gets funny around me, he's got some new "friend." He kept insisting that it's nothing. I told him that he doesn't get to have femal friends. He accused me of being controlling. I said no, I didn't say "no friends"--I said "no female friends."
He accused me of listening to other people instead of him again. (Ie, this board.) I said no, I'm just saying what has been in the back of my mind this entire time.
I'm sick of his flirting. He said it's just "harmless BS." I don't doubt that he sees it that way, but I don't. I told him there are certain things that I expect in a M. He said he can't change. I said he didn't want to. He agreed. I told him that was BS.
He said the strangest thing...told me to hit him. He actually shied away from me when I tried to touch him. Said they all had before. I asked who was "they." He mentioned a couple of ex-GF's. (WTF is that??) He said he that I would do this someday, that maybe I couldn't handle him after all.
He kept insisting that he wasn't doing anything wrong. That he was trying. That he had been going to see his mom or talking with his MF's. I asked him if he would stop talking with FF in AZ if I asked him to. He asked me what kind of question that was, insisted they weren't talking about anything personal. I said it doesn't matter. If he's not willing to stop talking with her just because it bothers me then there is a problem. If he said yes, then there wasn't a problem. He said if he said yes, then I would ask him to. (Answers that question!)
I told him I had a real problem with the fact that he wants to look up x-?? in CA. I have always had a problem with her, even before I was jealous. He said he just wanted "closure." I told him that he was looking for trouble.
He asked me if I was going to leave him. I said no--I have put a year's worth of hard work into this, and goddammit, I love him. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to fix it, and I expected him to put the work in, too.
He hemmed and hawed about it, tried to give me that BS about how he doesn't want to change and he likes it. I told him too bad. I felt like he was trying to turn it around on me and make me feel guilty--but I didn't let him. I retreated to the bedroom, just in absolute tears. I'll cry, but I won't chance after him!
He stayed in the other room for a few minutes. Then he got clothes on to leave. I didn't ask him to stay. I didn't chase him. Didn't beg like I have in the past. Just let him.
I tried to tell him there are certain things that change when you get M. The first example that popped up in my brain was "you don't get to sleep with other people." Bad idea! He got mad, said "You promised you'd never throw that in my face!" I told him "I'm not f'ing throwing it in your face!" He stormed out. I just let him. No calling. No nothing.
H just called, asked if he could come home... I said "of course." More later...
