The thought occurred to me that my stomach being uneasy may just be a physical manifestation of the fact that I've been feeling extremely anxious lately. As a kid, I can recall getting panic attacks so severe I would either vomit or hyperventilate.

Anyway...

I was exhausted last night. I wanted to go to bed early, but had to do monitor this timed release on our website last night. At midnight. Yuck. It's a good thing it went smoothly, since I sure was out of it.

H had been asking me why I hadn't worn this outfit to bed lately. I told him because it's cold now, and I can't sleep when I'm cold. Well, it was feeling fairly cozy in here last night, so I decided to wear it to bed afterall. It's actually fairly comfortable, considering.

I debated whether or not to leave H a vmail. Finally decided that I would. I realized that I had really backed off of that kind of stuff the last few months. I also recalled how much H had loved getting those little vmails from me when we were seperated. I used to call his vmail directly, and simpley say "Just calling to say I love you." Always got a great response out of him. (Yeah, I know, weird...first rule is generally no ILY, but man, did he enjoy getting those messages...and we said it all the time on the phone to each other.) Okay, so I decided to call him and leave a vmail.

Well, H answered. Whoops! I tried to tell him that I just wanted to say goodnight, but it was loud there, and he couldn't hear me. He must have gone into another room, and then asked what I wanted. I told him I had just called to tell him goodnight. I could just hear his entire tone soften. He told me he was glad--then blurted out that he was having a bad night, that he wasn't even working, that he really missed me, and was thinking about just coming home, except that he had been drinking.

I asked him what was wrong. He just said that he was really frustrated, but didn't want to talk about it there. I listened. Validated. We didn't talk long. Told him ILY and goodnight, and then went to sleep.

Barely even noticed when he got home. Was hoping for lots of hugs and kisses, but decided to keep my expectations low. H noticed that I was wearing the outfit. ("Lingerie" isn't the best description for it. ) He asked if I was wearing it for him, and I said I was. Normally I would have expecting some ML, but it was actually pretty far off in my mind. He seemed surprised; can't remember what he said. I think I must have nodded off again.

Woke up this morning, just really emotional. I had been wondering when this was going to happen. Usually, when I feel depressed, it's because there's a lot of tears or sadness that needs to come out. Couldn't quite get to it yesterday.

Right after I woke up (yeah, I know, bad timing), I asked H why he talked to some girl in AZ everyday. (Remember, bad me, I've been snooping. Which, strangely, has me reassured that nothing is going on.) He got really defensive (well, yeah, I woke him up...), asked how I knew. I said the cell bill. I said I had noticed this number I didn't recognize, then checked it against his phone to see if it was someone he was calling. He got upset, asked me if I was snooping. I said I was checking the bill. (See? Got me in trouble. ) We went round and round. I told him I had somewhere to be. He finally asked me for some water. I got him that. Then he asked me to hold him for a bit. I did, but couldn't stay long.

After I got out of the appointment, the tears started. No idea why then, I just couldn't stop them. Guess I just needed to cry. And man, did I cry. Went by the post office to see why I hadn't been getting my mail. They thought I had moved. (??? Geeze, my W2 and electric bill were in that!!) Decided to run by the special DMV place downtime to see if they were still open so I could get my license back. (Yes, I know, bad me, I'm driving... But I do finally have the form from the courthouse saying I can get my license back! Gotta count for something, right? ) I knew it would probably be too later, but I also thought maybe the alone time, just driving and thinking, would me some. Besides, they just might have still been open.

So I drove downtown. Missed it by maybe 15 minutes. Oh, well. The time alone was good for me, though. Cried the entire way back to the apartment. On some level it felt good to just be able to let go. I kept wondering why I still bothered sometimes...why I didn't just leave. And everytime I really, really thought about it--I just wanted him. When things are right, they are right between us. And I know I can get there again...because I had it this year, right at Christmas. Just last month! Maybe, since I've been down this road before, I thought it would be easier to find my way back again...

And...I'm afraid if I were to walk...we'd just be playing some stupid ping-pong game. My gut tells me he would pursue me. He responds to well when I GAL. (Which reminds me, I need to do some more of that...) And honestly, deep down, I really don't want to go through life without him.

I figured I was fairly centered when I got home. H was up--guess he hadn't been able to go back to sleep--and playing on Xbox live. We had some breakfast. I was still tired, since he had interrupted my sleep cycle when he got home last night. I kind of leaned over on him, and must have been falling asleep. He took me by the hand, said "Let's go to bed."

We climbed into bed together. He tugged at my shirt--I thought he was just wanting to snuggle up close, skin to skin. But...woohoo...ML. Man, has it been awhile. (Okay, maybe a week. ) I curled up next to him for a nice nap. I think he must have been waiting for me to wake up, because when I did, he was looking at me. And...we wound up ML again. ( )

Several days ago, I had decided that I would just stop pressuring, of any kind, on H to ML. No expectations, just going to drop it. Besides, I hate being the pursuer anyway--and it just seems to shut him down. Som, yay for me, I really needed to attention.

I can't even recall what started it. If he said something or I said something, but I wound up just bursting into tears. Again. (Can you tell it was my day for crying? Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system.)

We wound up in a pretty icky R talk. Both of us said lots of stuff...I'll try to sort out the important bits...

H kept asking me what was wrong. I kept telling him "I don't know." That seemed to just frustrate and confuse him. (I think because he felt inadequate at helping me.) I finally managed to tell him that I'm just still dealing with things. Then I managed to tell him that I felt alone, very lonely.

This clearly confused the crap out of him. I have a horrible time of conveying what I mean verbally. I just don't communicate well verbally. Writing, OTOH, I am good at. I have thought about just sending him emails, but I don't think this is a good idea for two reasons. One, I used to write him letters, write after sep #1 and the PA. Yeah, they made things worse. And two, H doesn't always catch all the nuances. So, stuck with talking...

He was trying to get me to explain why I felt lonely, and I was doing a lousy job. I came down to that I wanted more QT with him. (Guess I'm more QT than I suspected.) H was confused--and irritated--kept saying "What are we doing now? We are spending time together now." Which just put me more in tears. It didn't occur to me until later to tell him that 1), I didn't know that he was intending to spend time with me and 2) I was upset because until now I felt like I haven't spent enough time with him.

H did ask me why I just didn't come to him to cuddle or whatever. I told him I tried one time, and he said that he didn't feel like being touched, so I backed off. H got puzzled, said that was one day, and asked why I couldn't just tell from his body language when to back off or not. I--in near hysterics at the perceived slight--told him that I can't read body language. Never have been able to, just not good at it. He tried to insist that it was easy. Sheesh. Lesson here: maybe I should test the waters more often, when I feel like I need some affection here.

I've also thought that maybe he thinks I mean I want to spend all of my time with him. Which is not true. It's just that, after several days in a row, I start to feel neglected.

H also seems frustrated that I am not acknowledging how much time he spent working on his car--to save me from spending more money. I'm going to try to work in some more stuff about how I appreciate that, and how nice it's running. (It felt gooood to drive it earlier, too. Have I ever missed driving stick. ) Oh...seems to lump in this category...H also told me that I don't seem to appreciate that he's trying to work a whole bunch so that I won't have to fund his little road trip. I hadn't realized that he was trying to do that.

He also mentioned that he had signed up for the GED test to please me. And that he had made changes to make sure that he was studying. I had noticed--and was really proud of him, since this has been very difficult for him in the past. Guess I need to be more vocal about it.

Hm. WOA, WOA, WOA.... For a guy who says WOA are not that big of a deal, he sure seems to crave/responds to them.

He told me feels like he can't win. This part of the conversation is pretty fuzzy, since I was really upset. But that he feels like, to make me happy, he has to make himself unhappy. (???)

He said he didn't understand why I felt like I had to know everything about who he was talking to, and what he was doing. He also asked me why I was still "punishing" him. That he felt like he had been punished enough. (Geeze, if I wanted to punish him, I'd be saying "You jerk, you put me through hell, and now you're going to do xyz!" Or maybe use stronger language. ) I remember trying to listen/validate...not sure I did a good job.

H did volunteer some stuff. Said he had an "intimate conversation"--his words--with one FF, but he felt badly about it. That it was just because he had been feeling so badly, and he "broke," but he was sorry about it. But it was very nice, because she just listened, and didn't offer any advice. (Hmm....this is a recurring theme, him wanting someone to nonjudgmentally listen to him. Wonder what I'm doing to give him the impression that I'm angry with him?) And that he had told me as soon as it happened. (True.)

He also said he can't stand the feeling of having his privacy invaded. That snooping is one of the things that would absolutely push him out of the door, even if he were sneaking around on me. (Hmmmm....uh oh....) H said he hadn't realized he had been talking with FF in AZ because his convos were so short and really about nothing. (Okay, probably true.) He also told me that he would tell me if something "bad" happened--he felt he owed me that much at least. I do trust him to come clean--he did about the PA, and relatively quickly. He also said he hopes we would just try to "fix" whatever went wrong if that were the case.

And he told me that he's been trying to change how he interacts with women. (This I didn't know. I'm not around to see it, obviously.) That he was trying to respect my wishes in regards to the touchy-feely stuff. And, that he is being very, very careful not to have those in-depth conversations like he has in the past. That he realizes it got out of hand twice, and he didn't mean for it. (That is the absolute first time I have ever heard any indication that his initial friendship with psycho--xrm--may have been too deep. Wow, I didn't think he had even realized it!) I feel kind of bad, because he sounded like he wanted recognition for it...but I just didn't know.

H also told me that I was being paranoid. (Okay, I'm sure he's right.) I asked him if he thought I was thinking too hard, and he said yes.

He wanted to push some more, but I could tell the talk was going to degenerate if we kept going, so I just asked him to hold me. Which he did. I thanked him, told him how much better I felt when he did that. ( )

H jumped in the shower--asked me to hang out in the bathroom and talk to him. I told him I would, as soon as I took the dog out. I wound up taking a rinse-off shower as well. H kept asking me what I was thinking. I was tired from the intensity of the talk, and gave him some oddball stuff that was on my mind. Not totally lieing. H asked me if I had joined him in the shower to be close to him. I told him no, I just really wanted a shower. He told me it was okay if I was just wanting to be close.

In all honesty, as bad as the conversation seemed at the time, I felt so much better having just cried and cried. And cried all morning. I wish H would understand that sometimes...I just want to be upset, without him having to "fix" it. I've tried to tell him this before, but maybe I'm not going about it the right way.

Something that just occurred to me...H seems to confuse my being hurt with my being angry at him. A lot.

We both fixed some stuff to eat. H was making fun of mine--french fries. I got a bit defensive, told him that we had been low on groceries, and I just wanted something quick and cheap the other day. He made some other remark. I told him--gently and politely--that he doesn't like it when I make fun of his eating habits or anything else, so I would appreciate it if he gave me the same courtesy. He agreed that I had a point.

H made some more snippish remarks. I decided to just ignore them, something else was on his mind. After a few minutes, he quit. I used to respond to them in kind--hey, it works with my parents.... --but they just aggrivate him.
He also decided to study a bit. Unlike I might have done before, I didn't offer any unsolicited advice. And, when he did ask, I didn't go beyond the question he asked me. He asked me to double-check some stuff for him so he could take a break. I noticed that he was checking his email while I was in the room. I made a conspicuous effort to not be invasive.

Totalled up how he had done, and figured out the areas he needed to work on. (Based on the chart provided with the study guide.) Knowing he gets discouraged easily, I decided to rank them in order by which areas he had done the best in--instead of where he needed to work at. Thought if I could get his mind thinking in "glass half full" mode, he might be less discouraged. I think it worked...he seemed surprised that he had done as well as he had in some areas.

I did lean on him and hug him some after he was done with the computer. He seemed happy to let me--even leaned over n me for a bit. This does so much for me...my primary is definately PT.

He seemed a little distant while he was getting ready for work tonight. Got some alien-speak out of him. If we split up, how he would like me to watch his cat, because he might be overseas with the army thing. (Which, is actually a huge deal for him. He just loves that cat--various exes of his have accused him of loving the cat more than them.) Some other random stuff.

Oh...one thing did come up. He mentioned that his instincts were telling him to run away from me again, even though he wasn't going to, and he knew that wasn't what he really wanted. I couldn't help it, I teared up. (I've been like this all day...) He got upset, but I tried to deflect the subject. Told him that it was okay, because I had felt the same way before. But, like him, I had know that wasn't what I really wanted. He actually seemed a bit relieved--said he was glad that I was "human" after all.

He also said it hurts him so bad just to look at me sometimes. Why is it that I seem to forget that he feels guilty? That it just breaks his heart to look at me at times. sigh I think this is why he thinks I am "punishing" him. I'm glad he realizes that what he did was wrong, but I certainly don't want him stuck in that feeling, either.

And he looked soooo good. I told him I wished we were going out together instead. He looked puzzled, then said that it would be nice. But that he wanted money for his trip. (I am sooo sick of the trip...although I do think it will be good for him to get away for a bit.)

Ah, well. I'll be in Chicago two weeks from now on business, and I know he's going to miss me more than he realizes. (BTW, anyone live in the Chicago area?? It's just for class during the daytime.)

So, I've calmed down a lot. Still kind of teary. I thought about going out...but, I really just wanted some time alone for tonight. Think I'm going to try to schedule some more GAL stuff later this week, though.

And I've got to stop snooping!! I have such a hard time when I get worked up. But, since it is a big deal to H, I'm just going to stop no matter how badly I want to.

Also, since I'm feeling calmer, got the wheels turning in my head. I would feel better if H was more affectionate--even if he stayed busy. He doesn't respond well to pressure, or actually even direct requests. (Kind of strange, huh?) But he has always loved the little "surprise" kind of stuff. The direct vmails, that sort of thing. So, now that we have two cars again, I think I'm going to go out later and get a card and maybe a flower and stick them in his car while he's at work.

I'm kind of not surprised he pulled back this evening, after the intensity of the morning. It's normal. But, I think, long-term I can get some good out of it. I learned some more stuff that was on his mind. And, I seemd to have gotten a lot of the teary-weepy stuff out of my system. Which clearly need to happen.

I'm going to make sure to up the WOA. I've been trying to, the last couple of days, so I'm just going to keep looking for opportunities. And try, still, to be an even better listener. (I think I did a lot of this when we were first dating, honestly.)

And I'm going to make sure that I thank H for taking the time to be patient and listen to me earlier! Even if he didn't do exactly what I would have liked--he was still making an effort, and obviously neither of us are mind readers. Plus, if I tell him how good he was at something or how much it helped me, I know it not only increases that behavior, but also the aspects of that behavior that helped me the most.

Sorry for the length of the post...lot on my mind. Thanks for reading through all of this, it means a lot to me.

Last edited by Nevanna; 01/23/05 02:40 AM.
[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]