Hey Sage...thanks for stopping by.

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So...can you just feel it and be ok with it?



I guess...I'm somewhat frustrated because I thought I was past this junk. I know that being upset because I'm upset is only going to make it worse. But being thrown back into such an emotional quagmire out of the blue really hit me hard. I feel like I'm having a harder time dealing with it now than I did before...although I realize that's probably not true.

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OR, and this is a scary one, can you draw a wee bit CLOSER to h



Actually, I tried this. I stopped calling him as frequently and quit asking him for as much stuff. Instead, I tried to cuddle with him or get close physically. (We both love PT.) He said he didn't feel like being touched. After that, I just stayed more backed off...

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how about laying low for a day or two and just tending to you?



I kind of have been, although not intentionally. I've just...sort of withdrawn...quit pursuing him or trying to be around him, really. Let him do what he wanted.

I'm definately depressed. I have no desire to do anything. Don't want to clean. Don't want to draw. I'm having trouble concentrating at work. Been forcing back crying. Even music doesn't sound good right now. I actually had to force myself to sit down and write this--although I know that writing will help me sort things out and feel better. Why is it that depression feels lousy, but just sort of sucks you down so you almost don't want to climb back out??

I do know that this feels like an accelerated version of how I felt after we reconciled. I went through the angry my-H-will-never-stop-flirting phase already. Yeah, I was pretty mad. Now I'm depressed. Next I'll be sad...which, honestly, I think is the easiest to deal with. After that I'll start to feel better...

Some things clicked in my head over the past couple of days. For one, H was sounding the same as he did prebomb; I was feeling the way I did prebomb. Hm. He was digging for compliments. Hm. H was also comparing me to his family again. It was in a positive way, but I've noticed in the past that he draws away from his family when he feels that they are being too critical. Hm. H was suddenly really into his email, and has been talking with some girl who moved to AZ recently. Nothing out of line or anything (I know all of this because I snooped...whack away if you want...), but I know he starts seeking out new friendships because those are usually very validating in the beginning. Hmmmmm....

So I wondered if H felt I was being too critical. He's way more sensitive than he will admit (especially with his "I'm a mean prick!" exterior). So...I decided to be as reaffirming and validating as possible while still staying backed off. Every chance I got, I told him something he was doing was great or thoughtful or smart, and listened whenever he wanted to just gripe. He talked about how he was working hard at changing the alternator to save us more money on his car, and I told him how much I appreciated that. I made sure to thank him today when I noticed that he had picked up the kitchen some. When he got in late last night, after having a hard time working on his car, and was really excited that he finally got it--I told him how I knew he would figure it out, and that I'm so glad he's good at that kind of stuff.

I did notice a few things over the past few days. H might not be feeling 100%, but he's definately feeling better. He actually called me today when he woke up, just to say "hi." Almost even sounded sappy on the phone! It's been a couple of weeks since he's done that--he actually used to do that almost daily.

He also could tell I was pretty down today when I got home from work. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I just kept saying that I was feeling down. I didn't know how--and didn't want to--articulate what was really going on. And he's even started offering me some reassurances.

We went to the gym together, and I could tell he was trying to cheeer me up. I played along, even though I felt pretty low. Guess I need to train myself to respond to his reassurances again. The workout did help some. But the effect seems to have worn off already. I was finishing up with the bike when he said he was done. He thought it was pretty cool that we finished at the same time--so I just didn't mention that I had wanted to some other stuff, since he needed to leave in order to get ready to go to work.

I'm wanting to take my little mini-vacation. Unfortunately, I just sank the majority of my check into fixing his car. It needed done, and it's definately worth the money, Just nothing extra for a couple of weeks. I do think I will stop by the tanning bed tomorrow. That's always good for a little pick-me-up. I'm also going to make it a point to buy something--anything for me each paycheck. I seem to let that slide a lot.

Been feeling a little ill--physically--the past week or so. Some kind of small bug or other. Could be allergies. I've had a runny nose for weeks....always seems to happen to me in the winter. Something about the temperatures or the heaters or something. I don't know. But my stomach has been feeling just a tad quesy for the past week or so, and it's driving me nuts. Just enough to make me not that interested in eating, but not enough to really qualify as being full-blown nausea. Ugh.

Sorry for all of the griping. Something about getting it out and in writing is therapeutic for me.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]