H seems to be back to normal. (For the most part.)
I, however, am still a mess.
Spent a chunk of money to fix his car. He's still working on it over at his mother's house since they have a garage.
I'm waffling between withdrawing from him and feeling hurt. I feel so incredibly hurt and alone again. And I was doing so well.
It's so hard to just let my guard down. I worked at it for months, and felt I had a really good grip. Somehow, I've lost that. I'm terrified again. I'm reading way too much into everything. I feel like I'm back at the stage where I'm just waiting for things to crumble.
Tried calling H just a minute ago, ostensibly to tell him goodnight. I know he's distracted with the car and all....but I finally jut admitted that I was feeling scared. He asked why, and I couldn't even put my finuger on it. Just scared. He said somethign about there not being a reason for me to be--all the while fiddling with the car. I know once he gets his mind into something like that, he really can't detach it. But all I wanted was just a little reasssurance. I flat out asked him if he was upset with me or if I had any reason to worry...and he kind of brushed me off.
So I wound up just thanking him for doing all that work himself on his car, since it saves us money. Then I told him goodnight and hung up.
I'm not saying he's been totally dismissive of my feelings the last few days. Last night he was literally trying to keep me out of bed so he could just talk to me for a few minutes more. I'm just feeling really disconnected from him right now. Probably because of the last couple of weeks. And I haven't seen him much the past two days. I think I would feel more reassured if we had ML recently...but we haven't... And, even those he says he's not feeling weird anymore (and he doesn't seem like it), I swear he's actually been more distant. sigh Of course, that could just be my paranoia popping back up...it's so hard to tell.
