I'm in a very weird place today. I think I've been focussing too much on H's behavior...
I feel...raw...somehow....
He actually seemed very "back to normal" last night.
sigh
Did a bad thing, did some snooping. Yeah, I know, go ahead, whatever. He's really into his new email thing, and mostly he's been writing this FF who just moved to AZ. No, nothing over the top or anything...just find it a weird coincidence that now he's made some new friends, and all of the sudden I'm getting less attention. I told him last night that I feel like I'm the "old toy." I also noticed that he opened a new gmail account. He hasn't mentioned it to me yet. I'm not going to let him know I figured out his new password. (Although I don't have the one to his gmail account.) I guess, at this point, I just want to be prepared. Feel like I've been there, done that, and now I want some information. I don't really care that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm rather sick of hearing about how he wants his stupid privacy.
Sorry, venting...
There's a part of me that really, really want to start saying: "Here are the things that I will and will not tolerater in our M." (Did a piece of that last night, actually.) And, if he can't deal with that, he really can just leave. Let him DB and try to figure stuff out.
No, I'm not going to to that...
Just venting.
Wonder if the snooping is making me mad?? No...I was mad before that... Geeze, have I lost ground in this healing process. sigh Feel like I've been thrown back several months. I feel exactly like I did when I was just plain maaaad at H.
Okay, so what I am going to do?? Make a list of all of the boundaries I have. (Not a laundry list of "what H can't do." ) Not share it with him, but gently introduce these ideas...that seems to work best...
H said some things that really clicked with me last night. The whole "I'm not good enough" speech. When I got that before, I think I was being critical and didn't even know it. I have been feeling grumpy lately. Is H not wanting to be around me because I've given him some unconscious cue that I'm not open or available? I know this has been the case in the past.
Hopefully, H really is getting over the weird feeling. (He told me he thought he was last night.) I know that I will be able to calm down, then.
Quote: I feel your struggles to trust him, and I see things that my H is doing to reassure me, but since I am not in your sitch, I don't see the things your H is doing.
This one really made me stop and think. I have a hard time, because often what I feel I need, H doesn't exactly match up with. Not to say that he isn't trying. Maybe I need to start paying attention--again--to what he's trying to do for me.
Ugh. Hope this wasn't too much of a jumble. Just feeling really out of sorts today.
I also noticed that he opened a new gmail account. He hasn't mentioned it to me yet. I'm not going to let him know I figured out his new password. (Although I don't have the one to his gmail account.) I guess, at this point, I just want to be prepared. Feel like I've been there, done that, and now I want some information. I don't really care that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm rather sick of hearing about how he wants his stupid privacy.
