So, just talked to H on the phone earlier. Called to tell him I had scheduled an appointment to look into consolidating our debts. Said he didn't have to go, since it was on a Saturday morning. He thanked me.

I could tell he was uptight. He was pushing about the money thing. Again. I overdrew the account--technically, my money, since he doesn't work much and just carries the cash he makes. He had been asking me about borrowing from my parents. Okay, pushing me to. I have been trying to stop doing that since I finally got a full-time position.

I told him I had gone to their house on lunch, but they were away. (Stayed and had lunch there since I wasn't feeling good, anyway.) Then he was pushing to know how much the account was overdrawn. I said I didn't know--I hadn't checked--but he could pull a statment from an ATM. I told him that he was pushing too hard, and he really need to stop pressuring. He apologized (still sounding tense), said he was just worried about getting his car fixed. I told him that the card will work, since I applied for overdraft protection, so he doesn't need to worry about it being deactivated. Just that we shouldn't be spending any more until I get paid. (In two days, mind you...it's not like we're completely screwed.)

H said he hadn't known about the overdraft protection. I responded--before I thought about it--that he had been there when I applied when I opened the account. Probably shouldn't have said that.

He told me he had signed up for his GED test, Feb 8. (7th?) I told him I was glad, and asked how he was feeling. He said he was feeling. I said I was going to let him go, since I was headed back to work. He said okay. No ILY from him, so I didn't volunteer one.

I know I screwed up on the money. I get bad at it when I get stressed out. One of the things I'm trying to change... I'm going to see about getting the credit cards consolidated. Then I'm going to start actually balancing every week, and paying bills every two when I get paid. I got pretty good at it when I was living alone. Unfortunately, I got out of the habit the last couple of months. Ooops.

And, instead of just telling H whether or not we had money to do whatever, I think I'm going to start going over the bank statements and check register with him...at least every couple of months. That way, I won't feel frustrated when he doesn't know we don't have enough money, and maybe he won't feel like I have all of the control. (He has this real thing about feeling like I'm in control...)

I'm beginning to really get the feeling that this has nothing to do with me. Yes, I did need to make some changes. And yes, I think there are still some things I need to figure out about his needs. But, sheesh, he seems frustrated an awful lot, and there always seems to a reason. We don't have enough money. (His choice to quit work and go to school!) We don't live where he wants to live. (Although I do want to move, too.) His car is broken down. (It's been that way for tow months...) He's not in school yet. He's not doing what he wants. (All his.) Maybe it's just a side effect of the depression because of his guilt? Maybe he's an early case of MLC? (I don't really think so, anyway.) Maybe these are just relationship growing pains, leading to a new and better M. Hey, I can hope, can't I?? LOL

Guess I'm too much of a problem solver. I didn't break him, I can't fix him.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]