Hm. Interesting evening.

After H left for his mom's house, I wound up just letting go, and having a good cry. It felt kind of good to just let loose for a little bit. It always does. Unfortunately, H came home before I was done. sigh

I was in the bedroom, putting the pillowcases back on. H came in, and I was trying to stop. But he could hear me sniffling. He asked me if I was upset, and I denied it. He came over and gave me a big hug...and I just lost it.

He asked me what was wrong, and I started babbling something about not knowing what he needed. It took me awhile to get out something coherent--although his holding me felt sooooo good. I told him I was afraid there was some need of his that I wasn't fulfilling, and just didn't know what that was because he wasn't telling me.

He told me that it wasn't me, that I was doing everything just fine. (BTW, I've heard that before...so it doesn't do anything to convince me.)

I calmed down, wandered in the other room...and realized I had left up both the BB and some reading I had been doing on the computer screen. Sheesh. I went to minimize them, but H asked what they were. I told him that one was the BB, and other was the first chapter of a book on meeting your spouse's needs. He wanted to see that one. Unfortunately...I had gotten to the part on how affairs start. So...he read the article. Old passive agressive me would have left it up for him to find "accidentally," but I really didn't mean for him to come across it. He read it, sounded startled at a couple of parts and commented that he'd said stuff like that before. Maybe it was a good read for him, after all...

H sat down on the little couch, and pulled me onto his lap. The dog must have been bothered that I was upset, because she jumped on us both and wedged in between us. (She's pretty little.)

He told me he has a horrible rebellious streak--doesn't want to do something just because he's "supposed to." Got a bit upset, said he didn't like the fact that I had asked him about his emails the previous day. I let him blow off some steam, just validated. (Even though I felt that I had been gentle when I asked.)

H also said he doesn't understand why he "has" to live with me. That, if he wants his own place, he should be able to have it. I just listened. Nevermind he used to enjoy "playing house" with me. And that he has told me repeatedly how much he hated not having me there when he woke up. I think this one can fall under the category of alien-speak...so I'm going to try and ignore it.

H also went off about how he likes to have "his" friends. That he doesn't want to share. That's he possesive, has never like sharing--not even as a kid, because then he didn't feel like things were "his." He didn't see why I should have to know who he hangs out with, didn't see a problem with that. (It's not that I want to push my way into "his" group...I'm just so uneasy about him having friends I don't know...because it seems to have caused problems in the past. The female ones.) He got kind of worked up, and I validated. Said I just have to accept him, because he can't change. I agree I have to work on letting go and accepting, but the idea that he can't change really gripes me.

H told me he's afraid of doing something "stupid" if he gets pressured. I asked if I was pressuring him, and he said no. I asked him to tell me if at some point he felt pressured, and he agreed.

And then he said that it was really bothering him what I had said about at one point that I considered leaving. That he realized then that he must have hurt me incredibly badly for me to consider leaving. I told him my fear was because I didn't want to get hurt again. He said he couldn't believe that me, his [insert my name here ] had actually considered leaving him. The one who loved him more than anything. I think this really must have shaken him.

He also said that he hates sharing his feelings. Doesn't feel like he should have to. That he enjoys keeping the deeper stuff hidden from other people. Is he afraid of being vulnerable? Of getting hurt? Validate, validate...

H then told me that he "see her f'ing face everywhere." (xow) Wow, even I'm calmer than that. I wonder if I can gently introduce the stop sign or thought stopping/replacing at some other point...? I just listened, told him I didn't know that. He said he feels like he was more traumatized than me, and can't understand why he did that.

And that his guilt is horrible. That seeing the show the other day where the reason why many R's fail post PA is not because of the betray spouse, but because the other spouse can't get over the guilt. (Is this was trigger all of this?)

I wanted to offer to help, to find him books or resources or whatever. But I know this has been a huge problem for me in the past, and I honestly think it made him feel worse.

H said that was the reason he cleans the kitchen so much. That he wants to clean for me, to make it up to me. (And maybe why he's constantly asking if it looks nice?? Maybe I can make a stronger effort to be more appreciative of all of the things he does for me.) He also said he's lost interest in a lot of things...even video games...and was literally forcing himself to play on the computer. Otherwise, he would just sit in the dark and brood--but he knows that's not healthy.

He also told me that he's afraid he will do this in other R's. That he'll just never learn, and keep making the same mistakes over and over, and will wind up with a string of ex-wives. But just be alone in his old age.

Then he glanced at me, and emphasized that he still wanted to have a baby.

I could tell he was avoiding looking me in the eye. I asked if he felt guily, and nodded. I lightly touched his arm, and told him that I forgave him. That it was okay to forgive himself.

H said it might be awhile before we ML again, that he just can't when he's feeling too upset. I told him I already knew that.

I tried asking him when he felt better. He said "never," that he always thinks about it. (Uh-huh. Probably just couldn't remember at the moment.) I asked if there were times he thought about it less. He said no...then changed his mind, and said when he was distracted, and added very emphatically the gym. (Aha!) I asked if he wanted to go--it was very late--and he said no, he felt ill. (He's picked up a stomach bug.) I told him I had felt just great a couple of weeks ago at Christmas. He brightened up, said he had too. I ran with that one, and started pulling up fun memories we had talked about. That actually seemed to work, and he cheered up a little.

I went to bed, and he went to his mom's house for a little while again. I think he just needed out of the apartment.

I crawled into bed--I had somewhat dozed off on the couch--and called him. I told him goodnight--my voice sounding really sleepy. He softened on the phone, told me how much he loved hearing that, and that he would be "home soon."

He came into the bedroom--I don't know when he got home--and I smiled while he talked me. No idea what he said. When he did come to bed, I remember him saying he wanted to talk to me. H never says that, and I really wish I had been able to wake up and listen to him properly. (No wonder I'm late to work all of the time....)

H was actually up before me this morning. His stomach problems had only gotten worse, poor guy. He thinks he ain't something that was bad, and was complaining he felt cold.

He was watching me as I was getting dressed, and commented that I looked nice. (YAY! WOA. ) I thanked him. He sounded pretty wistful when he said I looked beautiful. I went over next to him, took his hand. He was avoiding my eyes again. Said it was times like that, when he saw how beautiful I was, that he felt the most guilty. I told him that it was okay, and took his hand. He said felt alone. I told him I was here for him. He said he felt alone with his emotions, because he couldn't talk to anyone else--out of respect for me. I told him that I was always there for him, if he wants to talk. Hearing that made me just ache...I just wish he felt like he could talk to me.

I took the time to walk the dog before I left, so he wouldn't have to...even though it made me late. (Again.)

H called me a little bit ago. Just wanted to whine because he's feeling sick. We talked for a few minutes before hanging up. Then, he called me back a minute later, wanting me to spell some stuff for him. Must have been writing some emails. Asked me to spell all kinds of weird stuff--"get some" and "sweetie". I didn't comment on the "get some"...got my crazymaker in check ...and he added that he was talking about me as his "sweetie." Also told me who he was writing to, and that he was just complaining about being sick. So, I'm guessing he was trying to reassure me. I really, really, really need to let go of this stupid anxiety I have about him making new friends. Sheesh.

H also asked me if he could show me some stuff on the car once it warms up. I wanted to get defensive--sorry I broke your car!--but didn't. I just agreed. Said he wanted to show me how to check the oil and that sort of thing. I agreed, said it sounded nice. (I'm betting this is a direct result of when I called him multiple times last week because my "low oil" light came on, and I had a horrible time adding oil to the car.) I know in the past he has said he wants to show me things, and I've been really guarded about it. Trying to keep an open mind.

So...I'm rethinking my strategy. I'm wondering if H is where I was months ago. Maybe I can help distract him? Try to do stuff to create that warm fuzzy feeling? Maybe see if he wants to play some Mario Cart with me? Things like that. Mix that in with staying backed off in a physical way...drop any references to ML, so no pressure there. Also want to try to figure out how I can drop in the "stop sign" or thought stopping/replacing, without it being obvious what I'm doing. I know if I can do that, maybe I can get him to think about it.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]