H managed to call me a total of four times this afternoon before I got home from work--twice just to ask me how to spell some stuff.

While I was at work, found out female coworker had an ex-fiancee. Guess she dumped him because he cheated on her. I made the (flippant) comment "Well, of course!" or something like that. But inside, it just twisted my gut to think about it...

I had gotten myself worked up enough the other day about who he was emailing and what, I was just wanting so badly to install a keystroke logger on his computer so I could get at those emails. I know, I know...of course I didn't do it... Realized that leads to all kinds of controlling behaviours, and I am not going to turn into that kind of person.

So, I got home, and H told me he wasn't feeling well. I wanted to touch his shoulder, give him some comfort...but I didn't. I offerred to make some hot tea. He asked me for a hug, which I did. He's been initiating more physical conact since I've stopped, which is good.

Got some more alien-talk. It seems to be getting worse... sigh I'm trying to filter it out. I'm beginning to wonder if telling him I had doubts at one point was a good idea.

H told me he had talked to someone about your issues today. Said he couldn't help it. I wanted to scream, but I thanked him for sharing that with me. Waited a few minutes, and asked (gently...I think...) what the gender of the person was. He said female.

I didn't ask who. Did say that wasn't a good idea. He said he didn't see why not. I said--still trying to speak conversationally--because he should be coming to me. (Wonder if that's why his alien side seemed worse?) He told me he was fighting himself even more this time...that the feeling was stronger than before. (Ugh...could just feel my heart hit my stomach.)

He volunteered who he was speaking with--a married FF. I didn't say that doesn't mean anything. Got the speech of how he's not interested, wouldn't want to hurt her husband, blah blah blah. Yeah, heard this one before, too. I just said it's dangerous territory--those are emotions being taken away from the M. He went on about how he's smarter than that, same old BS speech I've heard before. Really wanted to tell him I've heard this all before...but just didn't.

He went downstairs to take a look at his car. I logged on to write, and just broke down crying. I really need a good cry. I had forgotten how often I thought of giving up before... Why didn't I? I don't know. Too stubborn? Too stupid? Take your pick.

Well, H came back up before I had a chance to calm down. The dog made a lot of noise, and I sucked it up, wiped my eyes, and pretended to be trying to fix my drawing program. H was talking about the car...got some (mild) criticism of how I should have realized something was wrong sooner. (Grrr...he knows I feel guilty, anyway.)

He didn't say anything. Maybe too distracted. He did sit near me on the couch, though, to read his tech manual. Was complaining how MIL thinks we don't love each other--which, according to him, is just plain silly--since we sometimes go out and do stuff apart.

H did say, several times, that if I wanted some time alone he would just go stay at his mom's. Not sure if this is a result of the fact that I told him I got weird, or if he's looking for an out. I just said "okay," but didn't pursue it.

H also hugged me several times...kept saying he felt like he hadn't held me in awhile. Sheesh. I keep picturing this little ping pong ball, going back and forth, back and forth...

I really need a good cry. I think I'm just going to curl up and let loose when H goes over to his brother's house.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]