OMG, I hate this hair color. LOL At least H likes it. Reminds me of a reddish purple crayon. Yuck. Ah, well. By next weekend, I am going to strip all hair dye out of my hair...take the time to do it right...and see what I come up with. LOL And go from there.

Anyway, just griping about the mess I made out of my hair. (Not that I regret it...playing with hair dye is kind of fun. )

So...I learned a lot from H.

Stayed backed off. Didn't initiate any physical contact. Basically, been trying to give him his space. He told me yesterday that he didn't feel like being touched, and I've been trying to respect that. He did ask me to hold him when we woke up today.

He's been all over the place, too. Got some typical alien nonsense ("I wish I could have my own apartment." "Maybe I'm just the kind of person who needs his own space.") Also caught him when he was a little cranky. (Griping at the "stupid" game he wasn't playing so well.) And some being critical stuff. ("Make sure you put some water in this bowl, or else it will be hard for me to clean later." Validate and agree. ) But...also some "non-alien," sweet H type of behavior.

He seems obsessed with knowing if this is stressing me out. Keeps asking me if I'm okay. I've deflected him a couple of times, but usually I really am okay. For example, he came into the bathroom to get something while I was showering. I have this weird way of conditioning my hair, so it's all flipped in front of my face and I'm looking down. And he asked me what was wrong. I had to laugh...I was just conditioning my hair.

We did spend some nice time together. H offerred up some reassurances when I did get upset. I am working at believing those again. Watched some movies while we re-bleached the streak in his hair. (H has waist-length, thick, black hair. The gold stripe from the bleach looks pretty cool. ) He had some roots coming in, and we wanted to see if we could get it even lighter.

After we got back from the gym, we were finishing the movie, and H commented he felt like he had not gotten to hold me all day. (I had been carefully avoinding making any of the first moves...which has seemed to help him calm down. ) Then he leaned over, and pretty much flopped on me. I had been wanting some PT sooooo bad all day...just to hold hands, or something, and this felt very nice.

I learned a lot throughout the day, too. We had one conversation where H said he knew I was upset. (In all honesty, I was in deep thought about something else entirely) I asked him how he knew that. He told me that he knew me, and was assuming. I told him that he didn't know his assumption was correct. He said that he was assuming his assumption was correct. I just gave up then. lol (I'm a visual person, and my brain translated that into "ASSuming my ASSumption is correct." LOL!!) But, I'm wondering if he's thinking I'm upset more often than I am. Hm....

Also found out more about what MIL said to H on the phone last night about my being out alone. (Which was a great stress reliever. ) Apparentally she told him that I was turning into BIL1's wife--which is a nasty insult, implying I might run around on H. That he shouldn't have "let" me go out, and that he wouldn't know if I was going to hit on other men or whatnot. I guess he got pretty irritated, wanted them to butt out. (I'm kind of sorry I answered the phone last night when BIL2 called, now. Whoops....) He said he can't wait until we move, because then our families won't be able to "interfere." That he knows he damaged his relationship with my family, and he hates that.

He also did ask me if I had fun last night, what I did. Told him I danced some, and yes I had fun--left out the part about feeling odd dancing with other men. He asked if anybody flirted with me, did anyone ask for my number, did I talk to anyone... Told him I chatted some, but it's hard to talk in a club like that because of the music. But no, didn't get to any conversations about my number. He asked if I told anyone I was married, I said I didn't have to. He said it would have been okay if I had lied, if I was just "playing the game." (Alien-speak. He actually told me when I left, that I should let someone buy me a drink...but I had no intentions of drinking, anway.)

I did tell him I tried this little tequila shot thing. If I had realized it was tequila, I never would have touched it--everytime I've had it, it's made me sick the next day. But the thing was only $1, and couldn't have been much alcohol anyway, so I thought I'd try it. He thought that was cool, that now I could do shots with him. (Um...no. The one time I did a tequila shot, I felt like crap the next day.)

I found out some of the things that are making him feel badly. I've mentioned various stuff I've read on the BB--usually when he asks what I'm up to, I don't volunteer. Guess some of it has made him feel like a "bad person," which wasn't my intention. So, no more BB when he's around.

I had also told him at some point yesterday that I really didn't think we could be friends if we split up. Not that I didn't want to or that he wasn't important--just that I wouldn't be able to be just friends with him because I love him too much. (Didn't add that, more than likely, that would shift to hate...) He finally told me that had really hurt him, that the idea of possible losing me really scared him. I wasn't trying to be mean, or give some sort of threat...just wanted to be honest. And I stick by this one. Because it's how I feel.

And just had this really in depth conversation with H. Lots of stuff came out on his end. I confessed to him that I had gone through a period a few months ago where I felt weird like him. He did seem relieved--if not hurt that I hadn't told him at the time. He asked how long it lasted, I told him I thought maybe three weeks or so. But that it did go away, on it's own. That I knew the entire time that I really did want to be with him, just didn't understand why I was feeling so intruded upon. He told me that he was relieved to know that, because he thought I had always been "too good." (What??? LOL)

H also asked if my friend "knew." He was talking about one DBer in particular, and if she knew about the PA. (Does he not realize that the reason why I find some much help here is because I can talk about things like the PA, without people getting all judgmental? Guess not...) In this case, I don't think complete honesty would have helped. I didn't lie either, though. Just said "Why would I tell her?"

He finally told me that the guilt is literally eating him alive. That it's occurred to him that maybe I'm really not reminding him all of the time...just that it's always on his mind. (Aha!! I thought that might have been the case. I feel sooo much better to have heard him say this.) That he thinks of it all day, and can't hardly stand it when I get upset. That seeing me in that kind of pain completely haunts him. And, from what he's watched on TV, one of two things could happen. One, he has to learn to let go of the guilt and learn to live with himself. Or two, he will never be able to come to terms with what he has done, he won't be able to look me in the eye, and it will drive us apart. He said that is his main fear, since he can never seem to let things go.

I told him something I learned is that I'm the only person who can help me feel better. That I had expected him to fix me after we reconciled the first time, for him to alleviate my pain over the PA. And I was sorry for that. But I had since learned that I am the only one who can help me, and I've been working hard and straightening out all of my irrational reactions to stuff.

He said that he hated these weird feelings he gets, and just wished they would go away. That he just wanted to be with me, and was hoping some physical time apart--me in Chicago, him to California, then basic--will help him. He also said he knew time should heal things, but he felt worse now instead of better.

Oh...H also said he was really trying hard to go about things differently this time. That, before, he got this feeling and would just have to act on it immediately because he was so impatient. And he assumed if he felt that way, then that was the way it was going to be. But--and he commented that this matched with what I had told him--he always seemed to calm down within two or three weeks, and then we were just stuck cleaning up the mess. And, that he was making a real effort not to go to other people, because he knew how much that hurt me. (Ie...xow, psycho...among others.) I told him how much I appreciated that, and how much better that made me feel. (And helps me figure what I can do to relieve some pressure!!)

H also told me he thinks this may be because he feels like a loser. Because I'm the one making the money, and I'm letting him not work. That maybe, once he gets back from the army, he'll feel better about himself.

Just got off the phone with him--he went to his mother's for a little bit. Guess my handwriting sucks, because he wanted to know what it was I had on my list of stuff I needed from her to finish her resume. LOL He did ask if I was okay, and I told him I was fine. He seemed relieved. I think he's expecting me to flip like I did before. And yes, I have had my moments...but I am in much better control now.

So....I'm staying backed off, but realizing that he's not running out the door on me. (He keeps telling me over and over and over and over that he's not leaving. ) Not expecting any ML any time soon...unfortunately. Although all of this deep talking really does help me feel close to him, anyway. No BB when he's around, so that topic can't come up.

And getting a serious grip instead of getting upset when I saw something on TV. Before, I had allowed myself to cry, since it felt like such a relief. I'm going to be careful not to do it when H is around now. I'll find other outlets, or when he's not home.

Geeze, I didn't realize how much time I spent on these posts sometimes...this just took close to an hour to write.

(And I can't spell, either... Just had to edit my post 'cause I put "right" instead of "write" in the last paragraph. Sheesh.)

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]