moving forward III ... planning for the future

[Nevanna]

Note to self: I cannot fix H. I knew going in that he had some personal issues to resolve. I need to just listen, and not try to fix.

Okay. Just seem to remember better when I write things down...

H spent lots of time telling me how he feels this evening. It helped. Found out some interesting things...

H wishes I "understood" him. Not just listening and accepting him, but to understand why he feels the way he does. (This hurt to hear...not because of what he was saying, but because that's what he used to say about xow all of the time... "She understands me." Ewwww...)

He always gets worked up this time of year. Something about this time of year. Happened last year. The year before. H said he remembers getting uptight even years ago, living in California.

H told me that he is afraid of being alone. That he is afraid I will leave him. He actually has always said this...so it's nothing new.

He confessed that his emotions--especially the guilt--get the best of him right before he goes to bed. That's why he often comes crying to me when he goes to sleep. But I had already guessed that.

H said he's not happy with his life--except for me --right now. Because he's not working, he's not going to school yet. He's frustrated because he can't seem to follow through with anything in his life.

He also has admitted that now I really wasn't the cause of all of his unhappiness and anxiety...that's a little satisfying to hear.

He just told me that he has always gotten this worked up. I asked him about the first couple of years we dated, and he just said he hid it then. That he didn't want me to leave him. (I've heard that several times now.) Sigh. At least he's hiding less things from me now.

Yeah, some random stuff... Although he's still talking about babies...

[Nevanna]

Well, my mind has been a jumble...tried to write this out a few times, but couldn't seem to. Which is weird, since I normally can't stop writing.

H has gotten himself worked up a few times. It's setting all kinds of flags off on me...and really starting to get me stressed out. I realize I need to calm down, but it is just so hard. I certainly haven't completely lost it, and once I get some time to myself, I am able to destress.

Anyway...

So, H didn't come home the other night. He's had several really anxious spells. Where he's gotten worked up about nothing, really, but managed to just get himself really uptight and worried. (Positive...he has been coming to me for comfort, which is new.)

He's been having the bad dreams again. The ones he tells me about, he's afraid I'm going to leave him. One he had, he just hang out with this girl and talked to her, and then all of these people--my friends?--told me that had messed around, and then I refused to talk to him or listen to his side of things. In another, he had a full-blown A, and wound up getting the girl pregnant. In that dream, I just walked away. (I did tell him that would be a lot for me to handle, although I didn't tell him that I absolutely would walk away...although, I would have to say, more than likely I would.)

Last night, I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night. H wasn't in the bed. He wasn't in the living room. I've been waking up with that panicked feeling again. That happened to me several times last year, right before things went to he!!. Anyway, I woke up, and looked for him. Couldn't find him, so I called his cell.

H said he was in the car outside, just needed some time alone. Because we have a small place, he didn't want me to realize he was upset because he wanted some time alone. I apologized for bothering him, just was curious since I didn't recall him saying he was going to leave.

And he's been saying all of these weird things lately. Again. Like when he dropped me off at work after lunch, he was talking about how he was afraid he was going to "mess up" again. That's he's "just like his dad," and is really tempted all the time, and has to fight himself. I told him it's normal to be attracted to other women, he's just a human being. He said again it was really hard for him, and he didn't want to mess up. I told him that, if something did happen, that he knows he can come to me. And that I would be interested in just understanding the "why" so we could keep it from happening again.

H is going on and on and on about this trip he wants to take. It's really starting to get to me. He barely works; I pay all the bills. Which is fine, because he's supposed to be going back to school. His car still needs repairs, and yesterday he starts pressuring me to ask my parents for money to fix his car, knowing full well I won't get paid for another week. I have always said we would get it fixed, and that I would be able to afford it this month. But he was really, really pushing me again. (Put my foot down on that one.) He finally calmed down, thought about it, and realized he was being too demanding...we worked out a deal about it.

Then he has suddenly decided he's going to look for another job so he can finance this trip. Not to help me pay the bills. Not to help pay down our debts. So he can go have fun. (While I work.) I told him that I felt this was a little much...I resented the fact that I am working, and he's gets to run off on his little trip.

At first he got really upset, said I was yelling at him. (I was very careful to speak gently, and just express my views.) Again, he calmed down, and said he could see my point. I think we've reached the compromise so that he takes his GED test, and then goes on the trip. That won't bother me so much--that way, it's like his reward for all of the stress. (And he does have serious test anxiety.)

Everytime he brings up this trip, it keeps getting longer. The date he said earlier that he wanted to go directly proceeds the time I will be in Chicago on business for a week. When I pointed this out, he didn't seem to understand what the big deal to me was.

Earlier we were talking. Actually, H was talking, and I was listening. Just listening. He said all kinds of things. Talked about how he wished he could have his own little place again. (AAAAGGGGHHH!!! Where have I heard this one before???) But that he can't afford it. (Duh...he's hardly working...) Then, the next breath, he says how he loves waking up to me, loves seeing my face when he wakes up. (Which only happens on the weekends, actually.)

H also apologized, said he wasn't feeling weird about us. That he wanted to always be together--even if we're just friends, he can't be without me. That I am the only one who has ever always been there for him, and that he didn't think he could ever find anyone else as supportive. I point blank asked him if he felt weird about us a year ago, and he said he did, so that was somewhat reassuring. But that line about always wanting to be friends...got that mess last year, too. Almost verbatim.

He told me earlier that he feels like he can never do anything right with me. ( ) That, no matter what, I am always upset. I admit, I may have done this in the past, but this really, really hurt me. I feel like I have tried sooo hard to not be as critical. I try to be very careful to watch what I say and be appreciative of what he does. I was so confused by this, because I may have been guilty of it in the past, but I honestly felt like I wasn't doing this anymore.

H said he also feels like I will never forgive him. (The implication is the PA...although I can't be sure...and neither one of us seems to be able to directly say that. Me, only because I am afraid of grinding in his guilt.) He said he feels like I hold it over his head. I was pretty confused...I bite my tongue so much, and had no idea what I did to make him feel this way. I don't call him a cheater. I don't say "You did this, suck it up, deal with the consequences." None of that. He said something it's when I get upset at a TV show, or when something I read upsets me. (Now I can't be upset???)

H pulled me close to him, and apologized for being "messed up." Said I had married someone with issues, and he was just trying to learn how to deal with them. That counseling never worked--that just made him feel like he was crazy. And support groups didn't work. So he's just trying something new, but that he won't get "stupid" this time, like he did before. That he's not running to other people this time, he's just sharing with me like I had asked. That it had been the wrong way to handle things. That he had a terrible childhood, and sometimes he just couldn't help but run from the pain, because he didn't know what else to do. (I'm surprised he realized this...but I am glad...I always kind of knew this, just didn't want to say it.)

I also got the "I want my own friends" speech. The whole "I need a seperate life" stuff. Blah. (Heard this last year, too.)

H did point out that this trip was just a way to try to alleviate his own anxieties. That we had talked before about how he only seemed to need two or three weeks to calm down, and then he was much better.

He was being very reassuring. Strangely, this has the opposite effect on me... I can recall last year, literally a week before he went ballistic and kicked me out, he left me the sweetest VM about how much he loved me, always wanted to be with me, and was sorry for stressing me out. Guess it's a case of actions versus words.

He asked me if I would go through this again for him, and I said no. I'm not sure that's entirely true...there's a part of me that feels like if we're still improving overall, it's worth it. He just means so much to me. But then, there's the practical side of me that knows sooner or later, I do have a point. I actually came very closer, about a year ago. But I, in all honesty, made a conscious decision to keep working at it anyway.

I have seen a bit of the anger, but not nearly on the level I did last year or the year before. Definatley the restlessness, his fear of being trapped. Sigh.

He hasn't pulled back physically. A year ago, he was sleeping on the couch. And he doesn't seem distant. Which I could feel a year ago, and that hurt so bad... And, there's no new female friends. Which gives me more reassurance.

I'm not sure how much of this is in my head, and how much I'm just reading waaaay too much into things.

I guess...I don't mind if the ride gets bumpy. That's what I would want someone to do for me, so I have no problem being there for him. But...at the same time...I don't want to go through all of that stress and pain for someone who won't stick through it, as well. Is that selfish? I just want my tenacity reciprocated...

When H got home from the gym--I didn't feel like going, since I'm kind of down--he asked if I was okay. I said I was. He said I was lieing. (Caught myself in the mirror later, and my eyes were red. Sheesh...) He apologized for worrying me. Said he didn't mean to.

Asked me to stay in the bathroom and talk with him while he showered for work. Said I have been the best friend he's ever had. (Started to give me that garbage about being friends, even if we split. I just agreed, even though I know, deep down, that I wouldn't be able to be "just friends" with him.)

I kept telling him I wasn't that worried. He could tell I wasn't doing a good job of covering it up. I pointed out that he wasn't acting completely weird...he didn't feel nearly as distant. That seemed to really cheer him up.

He said he thought maybe it was just cabin fever. That he hates this state and the winter, and he'll feel better after we move. (I know, contradicts what he said earlier.)

So...what's worked in the past?

GAL. Not freaking out. Agreeing/validating when he starts saying weird stuff about always wanting to be friends.

Sigh...feeling better after writing it down. Still somewhat anxious.

[Nevanna]

Last night sucked.

H had to work. I didn't feel like going out--I tend to take Friday's as my "down time" after working all week. Anyway, I got all worked up. Completely freaked out. Was in tears--near hysterics--most of the nigth. Actually was shaking a good deal of the time.

I haven't felt this bad in over three months. sigh Two weeks ago, I felt completely fine. Sheesh.

I guess all of this stuff he's been saying just really set me off. Looks like I have more triggers to desensitize myself too... (PTSD anyone?? )

I couldn't seem to calm down last night. Was up for hours, just completely freaked out. I called him around 1am or so. He surprised me by answering--sounded awfully quiet since he was supposed to be working. I just told him I had wanted to leave him a vmail. So I did the direct vmail thing, said that I missed him.

Sometime after that, I convinced myself that there had to be a new FF. That I just had missed it or he wasn't being obvious about it. Of course, I had not real evidence...

I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted to give ultimatums. Obviously, none of that works.

Finally, around 2:30am or so, I managed to fall asleep. H called me around 4:30am--said he had gone to someone's house, and had too much to drink, and was going to crash there. I asked when he would be home, and he just said "later." Greeeeat. We hung up. Then he called me back a couple of minutes later, and asked if I was mad at him. I just said...can't remember what else he said, but I just kept saying "okay."

That upset me. That's twice in one week... Again, stuff he did directly pre-bomb a year ago... I couldn't decide if this is all just crazymaking on my part, my being reactionary to triggers, or substantial. I just wished I had some sign so that I knew.

Then I had the worst dream. I called H, and a woman answered his phone instead. I got really upset--I mean, ballistic. Demanded to know who she was. When H started talking to me, I asked him where they were. When he said "my bedroom" I flipped--when on about how a M man shouldn't have some other woman in his bedroom. And on and on. Just screaming in the dream. Didn't even give him a chance to explain. Turns out, it was innocent...the woman who answered the phone was BIL's wife's little sister. Great. And he had been over at BIL's house, they had all heard me going on like a raving lunatic, and just thought I was crazy. Because, of course, they have no idea what all went on. (Which is just fine with me.)

The dream woke me up. I was completely freaked out--grabbed the phone, called H. Got his voicmail. Left him a message, saying I had had a bad dream. He called me back immediately. It all felt so weird, and strangely familiar...like all of those late night calls when we were seperated. I didn't talk to him long...but it did help.

Kept waking up every hour. I wanted so badly to just keep calling him. I have no idea how I was able to restrain myself before...it was so hard to keep from calling and calling...

Around 10am I called H to see if he was headed home. I almost didn't, but I still need to get my license reinstated, and DMV is only open on Saturday until noon. At this point I had calmed down immensely...maybe my dream allowed me to safely let it all out... He answered, sounded really out of it, said he was headed home. We talked as he headed back--I think he was afraid of falling asleep while he was driving.

Talked about a lot of things. Can't remember them all. A lot of R talk...how we both felt... It wasn't stressful. I tried to leave when he got home, but I was feeling physically ill. I've had a touch of a cold the last few days--a bit of nausea, and before that, a sinus headached and mildly swollen throat.

I confessed to H that I had gotten really upset. I think he knew, anyway. He apologized. Actually was acting pretty normal, so that helped.

As we were sitting and talking, he showed me some stuff on the computer... The websites of some people he knew. He was trying to ease my fears about him running off with new friends again. (I've almost gotten to the point where I'm terrified of him making new friends. How messed up is that?)

We wound up curled up in bed together. I was rubbing his back. (I owed him a massage...I had bet that psycho wouldn't pay up, and she actually did. )

He thanked me for not exploding his cell phone with calls. That it would have just put more pressure on him. (Which, of course, I didn't want.)

We talked a bunch more. He kept apologizing for making me worry. I told him that I was okay now, really. He kept saying he could see it in my eyes. (Probably true.)

I told him that, at least I was making progress, I hadn't worried the least bit when he went to meet psycho yesterday. He perked up, said that was really good. (Yay me. )

He also told me how infuriated he was when I confessed that I had snooped his phone. I listened. How he felt really betrayed--although he knew how that must have felt for me, then. That he's crazy about his privacy. And, how it had actually taken him a long time to get over that. I felt pretty bad.... But, then he said he understood. I just echoed "I needed to know," and left it at that.

At one point, I mentioned I had written a lot last night on the BB to clear my head, try to get some perspective. He kept asking who I had written to. And I told him I was just writing to myself, on my own thread, on the BB. He got kind of uptight, really agitated, and said "What did you say about me?" (Wow, that set off some memories...I can remember when he would get really demanding and angry, right around bomb time.)

I told him I try to write more about myself. That I use it to clear my mind, and take an objective look. What I write about is to put things in context...did I react correctly? Am I blowing things out of proportion? I said he could read it, I would pull it up for him, and he said that was okay.

H was telling me a lot about how he felt. Was sharing with me, even though it was upsetting. He said he felt bad for hurting my feelings--but I told him it was okay, I much preferred this to his distancing himself. (I actually have an easier time dealing with PA than I do with the fact that he pulled away from me...which happened twice. I don't know if that sounds strange or not.)

We finally fell asleep. I woke up laaaaate--almost 3pm. I must have been tired. H was already up. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I wandered into the front room. I wasn't feeling so good. I was shaking a bit, and had a touch of nausea. I kept laying around in my pajamas. H kept apologizing for upsetting me, said I looked depressed. I assured him that I was just feeling ill.

At one point, I decided I probably just needed to eat. I was feeling weak and shaky, just horrible all over. I tried to get up, and wound up just laying my head down on the floor. It had been close to 20 hours since I had eaten. I've gotten this weak in the past, but it's been such a long time.

H came over to check on me. (YAY!!! There was a point, pre bomb-#2 last year, he would have accused me of faking it for attention.) He decided I needed to eat, and gave me the corn he had fixed for himself. I scarfed it. He said after that I sounded more coherent.

But I was still feeling sick. I curled up on the couch, and the cat climbed up with me. My heart was just pounding, pounding incredibly hard. I was having a little trouble breathing, and the nausea was back. I kept expecting my stomach to come up. H kept asking me if I was upset--I think he thought this was because I had been so upset the night before. I told him I was just feeling ill.

I asked him to make me some hot tea. That helped. Calmed my heart down, although I still felt kind of sick to my stomach.

He said he was going out to get some dish soap. I asked him if he could get me some chips and salsa. He looked a little crestfallen--said he had intended to, but wanted to surprise me. Ooops. But he was being very thoughtful, which helps reassure me more than words. Before, he would say he wasn't going anywhere--but his tone was so harsh, and he felt so distant.

We originally had plans to go out with BIL2 tonight. But, since H got so trashed last night, he said he doesn't want to. He keeps asking if I'm going--I think he wants some time alone. I really want to go, but I'm still feeling a tad sick to my stomach.

H just left for the gym. I really wanted to go, but I'm still shaky and a bit nauseous. He did ask before he left if we could do the hair dye stuff when he got back--me red, him bleaching out that streak in his hair some more. But, right before he left, he had that odd tension to him. Didn't even give me a kiss before he left. sigh

I had really gotten good at not getting caught up his drama at the end of our seperation. I need to get that mindset back; I think it would help me a lot. I do think, now, this will blow over, if I don't press too hard. I know H wants it to.

Sorry for the length of the post. Guess I had a lot on my mind. Just when you think you've made it...

[Nevanna]

Been thinking about getting the SSM book. H tends toward the LD side. He is happy with twice a month. I would prefer 2-3 times a week. I realized HD/LD is all relative, but it's not been enough lately. Wonder if I've been slipping back to being critical because I'm feeling a littel ignored in this department? I'll need to take a closer look at this. Regardless, I'm tired of our sex life hinging on whatever mood he's in.

We were doing it more frequently a few months ago. What was different? For one, I think I may have been more generous with the random AOS (instead of when he just asks me for things). I think I'm going to offer another massage when he gets home from the gym--I know he likes that after a work out.

H also asked my why I didn't wear this outfit he got me a few months back to sleep in anymore. I told him I really did like it, it's just too cold for me to sleep in it right now. Maybe I'll pick up something new this next paycheck...I know some stuff he might like...

I think I may have let myself start looking at the negatives again. It'll be easier for me to filter out the "junk" part of what he's starting to say again if I post more, and focus on the positives.

[NSN]

Hi, Nevanna! I've been catching up on your thread and have some comments. Hope it's not too scattered...

Said he didn't understand why I always stop him from going to the gym. (Not true...).... he was really upset about the whole gym thing. That that's his big anger release, which is why he gets so uptight when he can't go. ... He has told me before he doesn't like his temper. There's another similarity between our sitches. I heard this over and over again and indeed it was true in my case. I just didn't understand why he needed to go so much: 2-3 hours a day, at least. He told me everytime that his gym time is *his* time, his release time, and I never quite understood it. Now that I've been on my own for several months, I understand. Some days, I need "me" time. I guess, for me, especially since I'm QT, it just appeared to me that he preferred to spend more time at the gym than with me. ...

So...I was right with my approach. I told him last night that I had a problem with his temper. He obviously had put some thought in it to bring it up. We discussed in a normal conversation...like how we would talk about what we're getting for dinner. No need for yelling or pushing on my part...no need to force a heated discussion to insist on solutions. (The way that feels the most natural for me.) I just mentioned it, and he thought about it, and we have some ways to maybe deal with it... Excellent reminder that he heard you. And it looks like he's really thinking about it, too, which is good. That is one thing I hope my H addresses - regardless of whether we get back together: his anger management / temper issues. ...

Then...I decided I should just go somewhere myself. I am a tightwad. Too much of one, actually. I worry waaaay too much about the bills. I feel better when I can learn to let go, and enjoy a little for myself. So, I decided that I am just going to leave on a Friday after work, and get back on a Sunday. That'll give me all day Saturday somewhere, and I want to go somewhere that's warm and has a beach. Just me, all for me. Excellent! (BTW, I'm a tightwad, too!) I've really learned to "treat" myself these past 9 months, something I've never really done before. They don't have to be big "treats," but just things that give me pleasure and are enjoyable. What a difference it makes! ...

He told me earlier that he feels like he can never do anything right with me. That, no matter what, I am always upset. I admit, I may have done this in the past, but this really, really hurt me. I feel like I have tried sooo hard to not be as critical. I try to be very careful to watch what I say and be appreciative of what he does. I was so confused by this, because I may have been guilty of it in the past, but I honestly felt like I wasn't doing this anymore. Can you ask him what specifically it is that you do that he perceives as critical? ...

So...what's worked in the past?

GAL. Not freaking out. Agreeing/validating when he starts saying weird stuff about always wanting to be friends...... I had really gotten good at not getting caught up his drama at the end of our seperation. I need to get that mindset back; I think it would help me a lot. I do think, now, this will blow over, if I don't press too hard. I know H wants it to. After reading your latest posts, I can understand why you would be freaking out. Lots of hugs! I'm so sorry about all the anxieties. I'm sure I would feel the same way.... What can you do to get back to the calm mindset?

You're an inspiration, Nevanna! TTYL.

[Nevanna]

Hey NSN, thanks for stopping by... I'll see if I can sneak in a post while H is in the other room...

I guess, for me, especially since I'm QT, it just appeared to me that he preferred to spend more time at the gym than with me. ...

I used to feel that way. I actually don't anymore...a lot of the time, we go the gym together. (I'm in good shape, too. ) sigh Honestly, I don't know why this bothers me. I think it's one of my last remaining triggers. He used to talk out the door when I was still having a horrible time dealing with things...I would be in absolute tears... He also ditched working out with me at the gym to take more time there with psycho. (Before they moved in together.) The whole thing just, on some days, gives me all kinds of weird feelings. Still trying to calm down on this one...

I've really learned to "treat" myself these past 9 months, something I've never really done before. They don't have to be big "treats," but just things that give me pleasure and are enjoyable. What a difference it makes!

You know, as much as I know this, I still have a hard time doing it. I mean, I am putting waaaay too much time into planning my little getaway. My one day getaway. Sheesh. (BTW, did something just for me last night. )

Can you ask him what specifically it is that you do that he perceives as critical?

You know, I have tried. He just keeps repeating that I make him feel like he can't do anything. sigh That doesn't help me much. I tried asking him what I said or did, and he just repeats. Again. (I'll get back to this in my journal, I think I may have figured it out.)

What can you do to get back to the calm mindset?

Um, I seem to have calmed down a lot now. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I just pictured how I felt when I had myself under control and was more detached from his personal drama.

Whoops, gotta run...going to bleach that streak out of H's hair now.

[Nevanna]

Yesterday was...interesting.

I pulled back. Waaaay back. I'm a very affectionate person. Usually this means I touch his shoulder when I walk by, or I'm folding laundry on the couch next to him.

So, I stopped doing that. I wasn't ignoring him, but I wasn't making any first moves, either. When he would talk to me, I would answer. But, other than that, I made sure to do my own thing.

His mood was all over the place. He was grumpy and irritable early in the day. Lots of getting angry and stuff that just didn't matter--say, the video game. But he came back from the gym pretty cheery. So I went with it. Laughed when he was dancing around to goofy music.

When he sat down at the computer, I gave him a nice back rub. I could tell he enjoyed it. Although he said I didn't have to "pamper" him.

Did a lot of house cleaning. I had originally planned on going out with BIL2. H said he didn't want to go, so I was going to, anyway. Well, when BIL2 called, I told him H wasn't going, so I wanted to. BIL2 got a little funny, said it was a "guy thing." And, basically, there went my plans for the night. Poof.

Called a FF friend of mine, but she didn't answer. I thought about visiting another FF, but she lives an hour away...and I still don't have my license reinstated yet. H kept asking me if I was going out. Sheesh.

So I decided to go dancing. By myself. (This is a total change for me... )

Dyed my hair while I was cleaning. Our bathroom looks really nice now. My hair...eh...not what I hoped. H likes it. I wanted red, and boy, is it red. Kind of reminds me of a crayon. And it really clashes with my eyebrows. Ah, well. I think I've dyed it too many times... I'm going to leave it this way, but think I'll get one of those stripping kits to get all of the dye stuff out of it. Maybe put it back to it's normal color for awhile.

H was a little disapointed that I dyed it without him. We had originally planned to do our hair at the same time. I told him we could do his when I got home.

Tried to get MIL to go out with me, but she said it was too cold. Oh well.

So, I fixed my hair, and got dressed. H told me I looked nice. Sounded kind of wistful.

Before I left, he had this wistful look on his face. Told me he couldn't imagine being without me.

I debated giving him a kiss before I left, like normal. Didn't.

I had only been gone, maybe, 10 minutes when he called me. Wanted me to spell something for him.

The club was pretty busy, considering the snow. I talked to BIL2 shortly before I went in--he wanted to apologize if he had hurt my feelings. I told him it was okay. Well, he called like three more times after I got in there, but I just didn't answer. No VM, so it must not have been important.

I didn't drink. Didn't want to spend the money, and didn't think it was a good idea, anyway, since I was alone. (Although H did know where I was going.)

H called while I was there. I had to go into the restroom so he could hear me. Said his family had called him to yell at him for "allowing" me to go out on my own. Sheesh. And then he asked me to spell something else. lol

Tried dancing with a couple of people. Realized that I had actually forgotten what I was doing. Sheesh. And...I didn't like it. It felt weird. Like I shouldn't have. Which I didn't understand, because I have been out dancing with other people before. Just random people at the club. H and I both agree that just dancing is no big deal.

I didn't want to go home. So I just grabbed a chair in the corner, and enjoyed the music and atmosphere and being out of the house for awhile. Had to fend off some guys.

I left before closing, walked out when a bunch of people were leaving. I was parked almost right in front of the door, anyway. Drove home pretty slow from the snow.

H was actually asleep when I got home. I got ready for bed, and climbed in. He asked me to hold him, so I did.

So...interesting night...got to run, more later.

[Nevanna]

OMG, I hate this hair color. LOL At least H likes it. Reminds me of a reddish purple crayon. Yuck. Ah, well. By next weekend, I am going to strip all hair dye out of my hair...take the time to do it right...and see what I come up with. LOL And go from there.

Anyway, just griping about the mess I made out of my hair. (Not that I regret it...playing with hair dye is kind of fun. )

So...I learned a lot from H.

Stayed backed off. Didn't initiate any physical contact. Basically, been trying to give him his space. He told me yesterday that he didn't feel like being touched, and I've been trying to respect that. He did ask me to hold him when we woke up today.

He's been all over the place, too. Got some typical alien nonsense ("I wish I could have my own apartment." "Maybe I'm just the kind of person who needs his own space.") Also caught him when he was a little cranky. (Griping at the "stupid" game he wasn't playing so well.) And some being critical stuff. ("Make sure you put some water in this bowl, or else it will be hard for me to clean later." Validate and agree. ) But...also some "non-alien," sweet H type of behavior.

He seems obsessed with knowing if this is stressing me out. Keeps asking me if I'm okay. I've deflected him a couple of times, but usually I really am okay. For example, he came into the bathroom to get something while I was showering. I have this weird way of conditioning my hair, so it's all flipped in front of my face and I'm looking down. And he asked me what was wrong. I had to laugh...I was just conditioning my hair.

We did spend some nice time together. H offerred up some reassurances when I did get upset. I am working at believing those again. Watched some movies while we re-bleached the streak in his hair. (H has waist-length, thick, black hair. The gold stripe from the bleach looks pretty cool. ) He had some roots coming in, and we wanted to see if we could get it even lighter.

After we got back from the gym, we were finishing the movie, and H commented he felt like he had not gotten to hold me all day. (I had been carefully avoinding making any of the first moves...which has seemed to help him calm down. ) Then he leaned over, and pretty much flopped on me. I had been wanting some PT sooooo bad all day...just to hold hands, or something, and this felt very nice.

I learned a lot throughout the day, too. We had one conversation where H said he knew I was upset. (In all honesty, I was in deep thought about something else entirely) I asked him how he knew that. He told me that he knew me, and was assuming. I told him that he didn't know his assumption was correct. He said that he was assuming his assumption was correct. I just gave up then. lol (I'm a visual person, and my brain translated that into "ASSuming my ASSumption is correct." LOL!!) But, I'm wondering if he's thinking I'm upset more often than I am. Hm....

Also found out more about what MIL said to H on the phone last night about my being out alone. (Which was a great stress reliever. ) Apparentally she told him that I was turning into BIL1's wife--which is a nasty insult, implying I might run around on H. That he shouldn't have "let" me go out, and that he wouldn't know if I was going to hit on other men or whatnot. I guess he got pretty irritated, wanted them to butt out. (I'm kind of sorry I answered the phone last night when BIL2 called, now. Whoops....) He said he can't wait until we move, because then our families won't be able to "interfere." That he knows he damaged his relationship with my family, and he hates that.

He also did ask me if I had fun last night, what I did. Told him I danced some, and yes I had fun--left out the part about feeling odd dancing with other men. He asked if anybody flirted with me, did anyone ask for my number, did I talk to anyone... Told him I chatted some, but it's hard to talk in a club like that because of the music. But no, didn't get to any conversations about my number. He asked if I told anyone I was married, I said I didn't have to. He said it would have been okay if I had lied, if I was just "playing the game." (Alien-speak. He actually told me when I left, that I should let someone buy me a drink...but I had no intentions of drinking, anway.)

I did tell him I tried this little tequila shot thing. If I had realized it was tequila, I never would have touched it--everytime I've had it, it's made me sick the next day. But the thing was only $1, and couldn't have been much alcohol anyway, so I thought I'd try it. He thought that was cool, that now I could do shots with him. (Um...no. The one time I did a tequila shot, I felt like crap the next day.)

I found out some of the things that are making him feel badly. I've mentioned various stuff I've read on the BB--usually when he asks what I'm up to, I don't volunteer. Guess some of it has made him feel like a "bad person," which wasn't my intention. So, no more BB when he's around.

I had also told him at some point yesterday that I really didn't think we could be friends if we split up. Not that I didn't want to or that he wasn't important--just that I wouldn't be able to be just friends with him because I love him too much. (Didn't add that, more than likely, that would shift to hate...) He finally told me that had really hurt him, that the idea of possible losing me really scared him. I wasn't trying to be mean, or give some sort of threat...just wanted to be honest. And I stick by this one. Because it's how I feel.

And just had this really in depth conversation with H. Lots of stuff came out on his end. I confessed to him that I had gone through a period a few months ago where I felt weird like him. He did seem relieved--if not hurt that I hadn't told him at the time. He asked how long it lasted, I told him I thought maybe three weeks or so. But that it did go away, on it's own. That I knew the entire time that I really did want to be with him, just didn't understand why I was feeling so intruded upon. He told me that he was relieved to know that, because he thought I had always been "too good." (What??? LOL)

H also asked if my friend "knew." He was talking about one DBer in particular, and if she knew about the PA. (Does he not realize that the reason why I find some much help here is because I can talk about things like the PA, without people getting all judgmental? Guess not...) In this case, I don't think complete honesty would have helped. I didn't lie either, though. Just said "Why would I tell her?"

He finally told me that the guilt is literally eating him alive. That it's occurred to him that maybe I'm really not reminding him all of the time...just that it's always on his mind. (Aha!! I thought that might have been the case. I feel sooo much better to have heard him say this.) That he thinks of it all day, and can't hardly stand it when I get upset. That seeing me in that kind of pain completely haunts him. And, from what he's watched on TV, one of two things could happen. One, he has to learn to let go of the guilt and learn to live with himself. Or two, he will never be able to come to terms with what he has done, he won't be able to look me in the eye, and it will drive us apart. He said that is his main fear, since he can never seem to let things go.

I told him something I learned is that I'm the only person who can help me feel better. That I had expected him to fix me after we reconciled the first time, for him to alleviate my pain over the PA. And I was sorry for that. But I had since learned that I am the only one who can help me, and I've been working hard and straightening out all of my irrational reactions to stuff.

He said that he hated these weird feelings he gets, and just wished they would go away. That he just wanted to be with me, and was hoping some physical time apart--me in Chicago, him to California, then basic--will help him. He also said he knew time should heal things, but he felt worse now instead of better.

Oh...H also said he was really trying hard to go about things differently this time. That, before, he got this feeling and would just have to act on it immediately because he was so impatient. And he assumed if he felt that way, then that was the way it was going to be. But--and he commented that this matched with what I had told him--he always seemed to calm down within two or three weeks, and then we were just stuck cleaning up the mess. And, that he was making a real effort not to go to other people, because he knew how much that hurt me. (Ie...xow, psycho...among others.) I told him how much I appreciated that, and how much better that made me feel. (And helps me figure what I can do to relieve some pressure!!)

H also told me he thinks this may be because he feels like a loser. Because I'm the one making the money, and I'm letting him not work. That maybe, once he gets back from the army, he'll feel better about himself.

Just got off the phone with him--he went to his mother's for a little bit. Guess my handwriting sucks, because he wanted to know what it was I had on my list of stuff I needed from her to finish her resume. LOL He did ask if I was okay, and I told him I was fine. He seemed relieved. I think he's expecting me to flip like I did before. And yes, I have had my moments...but I am in much better control now.

So....I'm staying backed off, but realizing that he's not running out the door on me. (He keeps telling me over and over and over and over that he's not leaving. ) Not expecting any ML any time soon...unfortunately. Although all of this deep talking really does help me feel close to him, anyway. No BB when he's around, so that topic can't come up.

And getting a serious grip instead of getting upset when I saw something on TV. Before, I had allowed myself to cry, since it felt like such a relief. I'm going to be careful not to do it when H is around now. I'll find other outlets, or when he's not home.

Geeze, I didn't realize how much time I spent on these posts sometimes...this just took close to an hour to write.

(And I can't spell, either... Just had to edit my post 'cause I put "right" instead of "write" in the last paragraph. Sheesh.)

[sage]

Nevanna --

Just wanted to say that I think you're doing an amazing job of holding it together while h is having a rough go...what better/more positive/loving thing could you be doing than listening to his fears and tough feelings and all-over-the-map thoughts with such loving detachment and validation!? You've been so strong and "there" for him -- it's awesome to read about.

Hang in there while he wavers...and take care of yourself, too.

Sage

[Nevanna]

Thanks for stopping by.

I left out the really, really weird stuff he said yesterday. Honestly, and maybe I'm nuts, after the initial shock--the talking has just sort of stopped affecting me. He doesn't act like a guy who really wants out, so I'm ignoring the mumbo jumbo coming out of his mouth.

Besides...if he's just being honest with me, there's nothing wrong with how he feels. It's how he acts on it. So I got my little alien-speak filter out, and am just trying to listen to the parts where he gets at the stuff that is really bothering him.

And, despite all that, he is talking to me. I'm hoping he'll figure out I'm really not an ogre, and he can come to me with this kind of stuff. Strangely, even though he's so scattered, I'm glad he's talking to me. The fact that he is telling me all those--no matter how much he moans and groans that it's hard --I strangely feel closer to him. (And I'm betting he will, too, when he calms down.)

Am I talking in circles?