moving forward III ... planning for the future

[NSN]

Hi, Nevanna! I've been catching up on your thread and have some comments. Hope it's not too scattered...

Said he didn't understand why I always stop him from going to the gym. (Not true...).... he was really upset about the whole gym thing. That that's his big anger release, which is why he gets so uptight when he can't go. ... He has told me before he doesn't like his temper. There's another similarity between our sitches. I heard this over and over again and indeed it was true in my case. I just didn't understand why he needed to go so much: 2-3 hours a day, at least. He told me everytime that his gym time is *his* time, his release time, and I never quite understood it. Now that I've been on my own for several months, I understand. Some days, I need "me" time. I guess, for me, especially since I'm QT, it just appeared to me that he preferred to spend more time at the gym than with me. ...

So...I was right with my approach. I told him last night that I had a problem with his temper. He obviously had put some thought in it to bring it up. We discussed in a normal conversation...like how we would talk about what we're getting for dinner. No need for yelling or pushing on my part...no need to force a heated discussion to insist on solutions. (The way that feels the most natural for me.) I just mentioned it, and he thought about it, and we have some ways to maybe deal with it... Excellent reminder that he heard you. And it looks like he's really thinking about it, too, which is good. That is one thing I hope my H addresses - regardless of whether we get back together: his anger management / temper issues. ...

Then...I decided I should just go somewhere myself. I am a tightwad. Too much of one, actually. I worry waaaay too much about the bills. I feel better when I can learn to let go, and enjoy a little for myself. So, I decided that I am just going to leave on a Friday after work, and get back on a Sunday. That'll give me all day Saturday somewhere, and I want to go somewhere that's warm and has a beach. Just me, all for me. Excellent! (BTW, I'm a tightwad, too!) I've really learned to "treat" myself these past 9 months, something I've never really done before. They don't have to be big "treats," but just things that give me pleasure and are enjoyable. What a difference it makes! ...

He told me earlier that he feels like he can never do anything right with me. That, no matter what, I am always upset. I admit, I may have done this in the past, but this really, really hurt me. I feel like I have tried sooo hard to not be as critical. I try to be very careful to watch what I say and be appreciative of what he does. I was so confused by this, because I may have been guilty of it in the past, but I honestly felt like I wasn't doing this anymore. Can you ask him what specifically it is that you do that he perceives as critical? ...

So...what's worked in the past?

GAL. Not freaking out. Agreeing/validating when he starts saying weird stuff about always wanting to be friends...... I had really gotten good at not getting caught up his drama at the end of our seperation. I need to get that mindset back; I think it would help me a lot. I do think, now, this will blow over, if I don't press too hard. I know H wants it to. After reading your latest posts, I can understand why you would be freaking out. Lots of hugs! I'm so sorry about all the anxieties. I'm sure I would feel the same way.... What can you do to get back to the calm mindset?

You're an inspiration, Nevanna! TTYL.