Last night sucked.

H had to work. I didn't feel like going out--I tend to take Friday's as my "down time" after working all week. Anyway, I got all worked up. Completely freaked out. Was in tears--near hysterics--most of the nigth. Actually was shaking a good deal of the time.

I haven't felt this bad in over three months. sigh Two weeks ago, I felt completely fine. Sheesh.

I guess all of this stuff he's been saying just really set me off. Looks like I have more triggers to desensitize myself too... (PTSD anyone?? )

I couldn't seem to calm down last night. Was up for hours, just completely freaked out. I called him around 1am or so. He surprised me by answering--sounded awfully quiet since he was supposed to be working. I just told him I had wanted to leave him a vmail. So I did the direct vmail thing, said that I missed him.

Sometime after that, I convinced myself that there had to be a new FF. That I just had missed it or he wasn't being obvious about it. Of course, I had not real evidence...

I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted to give ultimatums. Obviously, none of that works.

Finally, around 2:30am or so, I managed to fall asleep. H called me around 4:30am--said he had gone to someone's house, and had too much to drink, and was going to crash there. I asked when he would be home, and he just said "later." Greeeeat. We hung up. Then he called me back a couple of minutes later, and asked if I was mad at him. I just said...can't remember what else he said, but I just kept saying "okay."

That upset me. That's twice in one week... Again, stuff he did directly pre-bomb a year ago... I couldn't decide if this is all just crazymaking on my part, my being reactionary to triggers, or substantial. I just wished I had some sign so that I knew.

Then I had the worst dream. I called H, and a woman answered his phone instead. I got really upset--I mean, ballistic. Demanded to know who she was. When H started talking to me, I asked him where they were. When he said "my bedroom" I flipped--when on about how a M man shouldn't have some other woman in his bedroom. And on and on. Just screaming in the dream. Didn't even give him a chance to explain. Turns out, it was innocent...the woman who answered the phone was BIL's wife's little sister. Great. And he had been over at BIL's house, they had all heard me going on like a raving lunatic, and just thought I was crazy. Because, of course, they have no idea what all went on. (Which is just fine with me.)

The dream woke me up. I was completely freaked out--grabbed the phone, called H. Got his voicmail. Left him a message, saying I had had a bad dream. He called me back immediately. It all felt so weird, and strangely familiar...like all of those late night calls when we were seperated. I didn't talk to him long...but it did help.

Kept waking up every hour. I wanted so badly to just keep calling him. I have no idea how I was able to restrain myself before...it was so hard to keep from calling and calling...

Around 10am I called H to see if he was headed home. I almost didn't, but I still need to get my license reinstated, and DMV is only open on Saturday until noon. At this point I had calmed down immensely...maybe my dream allowed me to safely let it all out... He answered, sounded really out of it, said he was headed home. We talked as he headed back--I think he was afraid of falling asleep while he was driving.

Talked about a lot of things. Can't remember them all. A lot of R talk...how we both felt... It wasn't stressful. I tried to leave when he got home, but I was feeling physically ill. I've had a touch of a cold the last few days--a bit of nausea, and before that, a sinus headached and mildly swollen throat.

I confessed to H that I had gotten really upset. I think he knew, anyway. He apologized. Actually was acting pretty normal, so that helped.

As we were sitting and talking, he showed me some stuff on the computer... The websites of some people he knew. He was trying to ease my fears about him running off with new friends again. (I've almost gotten to the point where I'm terrified of him making new friends. How messed up is that?)

We wound up curled up in bed together. I was rubbing his back. (I owed him a massage...I had bet that psycho wouldn't pay up, and she actually did. )

He thanked me for not exploding his cell phone with calls. That it would have just put more pressure on him. (Which, of course, I didn't want.)

We talked a bunch more. He kept apologizing for making me worry. I told him that I was okay now, really. He kept saying he could see it in my eyes. (Probably true.)

I told him that, at least I was making progress, I hadn't worried the least bit when he went to meet psycho yesterday. He perked up, said that was really good. (Yay me. )

He also told me how infuriated he was when I confessed that I had snooped his phone. I listened. How he felt really betrayed--although he knew how that must have felt for me, then. That he's crazy about his privacy. And, how it had actually taken him a long time to get over that. I felt pretty bad.... But, then he said he understood. I just echoed "I needed to know," and left it at that.

At one point, I mentioned I had written a lot last night on the BB to clear my head, try to get some perspective. He kept asking who I had written to. And I told him I was just writing to myself, on my own thread, on the BB. He got kind of uptight, really agitated, and said "What did you say about me?" (Wow, that set off some memories...I can remember when he would get really demanding and angry, right around bomb time.)

I told him I try to write more about myself. That I use it to clear my mind, and take an objective look. What I write about is to put things in context...did I react correctly? Am I blowing things out of proportion? I said he could read it, I would pull it up for him, and he said that was okay.

H was telling me a lot about how he felt. Was sharing with me, even though it was upsetting. He said he felt bad for hurting my feelings--but I told him it was okay, I much preferred this to his distancing himself. (I actually have an easier time dealing with PA than I do with the fact that he pulled away from me...which happened twice. I don't know if that sounds strange or not.)

We finally fell asleep. I woke up laaaaate--almost 3pm. I must have been tired. H was already up. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I wandered into the front room. I wasn't feeling so good. I was shaking a bit, and had a touch of nausea. I kept laying around in my pajamas. H kept apologizing for upsetting me, said I looked depressed. I assured him that I was just feeling ill.

At one point, I decided I probably just needed to eat. I was feeling weak and shaky, just horrible all over. I tried to get up, and wound up just laying my head down on the floor. It had been close to 20 hours since I had eaten. I've gotten this weak in the past, but it's been such a long time.

H came over to check on me. (YAY!!! There was a point, pre bomb-#2 last year, he would have accused me of faking it for attention.) He decided I needed to eat, and gave me the corn he had fixed for himself. I scarfed it. He said after that I sounded more coherent.

But I was still feeling sick. I curled up on the couch, and the cat climbed up with me. My heart was just pounding, pounding incredibly hard. I was having a little trouble breathing, and the nausea was back. I kept expecting my stomach to come up. H kept asking me if I was upset--I think he thought this was because I had been so upset the night before. I told him I was just feeling ill.

I asked him to make me some hot tea. That helped. Calmed my heart down, although I still felt kind of sick to my stomach.

He said he was going out to get some dish soap. I asked him if he could get me some chips and salsa. He looked a little crestfallen--said he had intended to, but wanted to surprise me. Ooops. But he was being very thoughtful, which helps reassure me more than words. Before, he would say he wasn't going anywhere--but his tone was so harsh, and he felt so distant.

We originally had plans to go out with BIL2 tonight. But, since H got so trashed last night, he said he doesn't want to. He keeps asking if I'm going--I think he wants some time alone. I really want to go, but I'm still feeling a tad sick to my stomach.

H just left for the gym. I really wanted to go, but I'm still shaky and a bit nauseous. He did ask before he left if we could do the hair dye stuff when he got back--me red, him bleaching out that streak in his hair some more. But, right before he left, he had that odd tension to him. Didn't even give me a kiss before he left. sigh

I had really gotten good at not getting caught up his drama at the end of our seperation. I need to get that mindset back; I think it would help me a lot. I do think, now, this will blow over, if I don't press too hard. I know H wants it to.

Sorry for the length of the post. Guess I had a lot on my mind. Just when you think you've made it...

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]