Well, my mind has been a jumble...tried to write this out a few times, but couldn't seem to. Which is weird, since I normally can't stop writing.

H has gotten himself worked up a few times. It's setting all kinds of flags off on me...and really starting to get me stressed out. I realize I need to calm down, but it is just so hard. I certainly haven't completely lost it, and once I get some time to myself, I am able to destress.

Anyway...

So, H didn't come home the other night. He's had several really anxious spells. Where he's gotten worked up about nothing, really, but managed to just get himself really uptight and worried. (Positive...he has been coming to me for comfort, which is new.)

He's been having the bad dreams again. The ones he tells me about, he's afraid I'm going to leave him. One he had, he just hang out with this girl and talked to her, and then all of these people--my friends?--told me that had messed around, and then I refused to talk to him or listen to his side of things. In another, he had a full-blown A, and wound up getting the girl pregnant. In that dream, I just walked away. (I did tell him that would be a lot for me to handle, although I didn't tell him that I absolutely would walk away...although, I would have to say, more than likely I would.)

Last night, I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night. H wasn't in the bed. He wasn't in the living room. I've been waking up with that panicked feeling again. That happened to me several times last year, right before things went to he!!. Anyway, I woke up, and looked for him. Couldn't find him, so I called his cell.

H said he was in the car outside, just needed some time alone. Because we have a small place, he didn't want me to realize he was upset because he wanted some time alone. I apologized for bothering him, just was curious since I didn't recall him saying he was going to leave.

And he's been saying all of these weird things lately. Again. Like when he dropped me off at work after lunch, he was talking about how he was afraid he was going to "mess up" again. That's he's "just like his dad," and is really tempted all the time, and has to fight himself. I told him it's normal to be attracted to other women, he's just a human being. He said again it was really hard for him, and he didn't want to mess up. I told him that, if something did happen, that he knows he can come to me. And that I would be interested in just understanding the "why" so we could keep it from happening again.

H is going on and on and on about this trip he wants to take. It's really starting to get to me. He barely works; I pay all the bills. Which is fine, because he's supposed to be going back to school. His car still needs repairs, and yesterday he starts pressuring me to ask my parents for money to fix his car, knowing full well I won't get paid for another week. I have always said we would get it fixed, and that I would be able to afford it this month. But he was really, really pushing me again. (Put my foot down on that one.) He finally calmed down, thought about it, and realized he was being too demanding...we worked out a deal about it.

Then he has suddenly decided he's going to look for another job so he can finance this trip. Not to help me pay the bills. Not to help pay down our debts. So he can go have fun. (While I work.) I told him that I felt this was a little much...I resented the fact that I am working, and he's gets to run off on his little trip.

At first he got really upset, said I was yelling at him. (I was very careful to speak gently, and just express my views.) Again, he calmed down, and said he could see my point. I think we've reached the compromise so that he takes his GED test, and then goes on the trip. That won't bother me so much--that way, it's like his reward for all of the stress. (And he does have serious test anxiety.)

Everytime he brings up this trip, it keeps getting longer. The date he said earlier that he wanted to go directly proceeds the time I will be in Chicago on business for a week. When I pointed this out, he didn't seem to understand what the big deal to me was.

Earlier we were talking. Actually, H was talking, and I was listening. Just listening. He said all kinds of things. Talked about how he wished he could have his own little place again. (AAAAGGGGHHH!!! Where have I heard this one before???) But that he can't afford it. (Duh...he's hardly working...) Then, the next breath, he says how he loves waking up to me, loves seeing my face when he wakes up. (Which only happens on the weekends, actually.)

H also apologized, said he wasn't feeling weird about us. That he wanted to always be together--even if we're just friends, he can't be without me. That I am the only one who has ever always been there for him, and that he didn't think he could ever find anyone else as supportive. I point blank asked him if he felt weird about us a year ago, and he said he did, so that was somewhat reassuring. But that line about always wanting to be friends...got that mess last year, too. Almost verbatim.

He told me earlier that he feels like he can never do anything right with me. ( ) That, no matter what, I am always upset. I admit, I may have done this in the past, but this really, really hurt me. I feel like I have tried sooo hard to not be as critical. I try to be very careful to watch what I say and be appreciative of what he does. I was so confused by this, because I may have been guilty of it in the past, but I honestly felt like I wasn't doing this anymore.

H said he also feels like I will never forgive him. (The implication is the PA...although I can't be sure...and neither one of us seems to be able to directly say that. Me, only because I am afraid of grinding in his guilt.) He said he feels like I hold it over his head. I was pretty confused...I bite my tongue so much, and had no idea what I did to make him feel this way. I don't call him a cheater. I don't say "You did this, suck it up, deal with the consequences." None of that. He said something it's when I get upset at a TV show, or when something I read upsets me. (Now I can't be upset???)

H pulled me close to him, and apologized for being "messed up." Said I had married someone with issues, and he was just trying to learn how to deal with them. That counseling never worked--that just made him feel like he was crazy. And support groups didn't work. So he's just trying something new, but that he won't get "stupid" this time, like he did before. That he's not running to other people this time, he's just sharing with me like I had asked. That it had been the wrong way to handle things. That he had a terrible childhood, and sometimes he just couldn't help but run from the pain, because he didn't know what else to do. (I'm surprised he realized this...but I am glad...I always kind of knew this, just didn't want to say it.)

I also got the "I want my own friends" speech. The whole "I need a seperate life" stuff. Blah. (Heard this last year, too.)

H did point out that this trip was just a way to try to alleviate his own anxieties. That we had talked before about how he only seemed to need two or three weeks to calm down, and then he was much better.

He was being very reassuring. Strangely, this has the opposite effect on me... I can recall last year, literally a week before he went ballistic and kicked me out, he left me the sweetest VM about how much he loved me, always wanted to be with me, and was sorry for stressing me out. Guess it's a case of actions versus words.

He asked me if I would go through this again for him, and I said no. I'm not sure that's entirely true...there's a part of me that feels like if we're still improving overall, it's worth it. He just means so much to me. But then, there's the practical side of me that knows sooner or later, I do have a point. I actually came very closer, about a year ago. But I, in all honesty, made a conscious decision to keep working at it anyway.

I have seen a bit of the anger, but not nearly on the level I did last year or the year before. Definatley the restlessness, his fear of being trapped. Sigh.

He hasn't pulled back physically. A year ago, he was sleeping on the couch. And he doesn't seem distant. Which I could feel a year ago, and that hurt so bad... And, there's no new female friends. Which gives me more reassurance.

I'm not sure how much of this is in my head, and how much I'm just reading waaaay too much into things.

I guess...I don't mind if the ride gets bumpy. That's what I would want someone to do for me, so I have no problem being there for him. But...at the same time...I don't want to go through all of that stress and pain for someone who won't stick through it, as well. Is that selfish? I just want my tenacity reciprocated...

When H got home from the gym--I didn't feel like going, since I'm kind of down--he asked if I was okay. I said I was. He said I was lieing. (Caught myself in the mirror later, and my eyes were red. Sheesh...) He apologized for worrying me. Said he didn't mean to.

Asked me to stay in the bathroom and talk with him while he showered for work. Said I have been the best friend he's ever had. (Started to give me that garbage about being friends, even if we split. I just agreed, even though I know, deep down, that I wouldn't be able to be "just friends" with him.)

I kept telling him I wasn't that worried. He could tell I wasn't doing a good job of covering it up. I pointed out that he wasn't acting completely weird...he didn't feel nearly as distant. That seemed to really cheer him up.

He said he thought maybe it was just cabin fever. That he hates this state and the winter, and he'll feel better after we move. (I know, contradicts what he said earlier.)

So...what's worked in the past?

GAL. Not freaking out. Agreeing/validating when he starts saying weird stuff about always wanting to be friends.

Sigh...feeling better after writing it down. Still somewhat anxious.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]