So I've been feeling a little...off...the last couple of days. I think because H has been feeling off.

Last night, after I'm home, H and I are talking, and he said some stuff that really should have been innocent--but I got worked up anyway. The problem is, he said three or four things that were almost identical to what he said before he left the last time.

That he's "feeling funny," it's "not you," and "I'm not leaving," "this is different, I'm talking to you about it this time." Seriously, heard the exact same thing almost a year ago. As a matter of fact, he sent me the sweetest, nicest vm a week before he kicked me out, saying he would always love me, and never leave me. And, then, he just pulled further and further back, all within a week.

So, I'm having a little anxiety. I told H last night, the only thing that would really calm me down was time. To see he's not taking off again. I also told him--not sure if this was a good idea or not--that I am not doing this again. Just won't happen. Yeah, I know, getting worked up over nothing.

H was very reassuring. But, strangely it wasn't helping. Maybe because he was before? Sigh.

I'll calm down. Actually, I'm not nearly as worked up as I might have been in the past. (And that was, probably, part of the problem.)

I did tell him last night that I thought his road trip was a good idea. I pointed out he always gets cabin fever this time of year. And, that he probably just needed some time to himself to think things through or whatever. He liked that idea.

I had told him at one point yesterday that it did bother me that he could just up and leave. I don't have that much time off, and I have a hard time justifying spending that kind of money.

Then...I decided I should just go somewhere myself. I am a tightwad. Too much of one, actually. I worry waaaay too much about the bills. I feel better when I can learn to let go, and enjoy a little for myself. So, I decided that I am just going to leave on a Friday after work, and get back on a Sunday. That'll give me all day Saturday somewhere, and I want to go somewhere that's warm and has a beach. Just me, all for me.

H was actually really surprised when I announced my plans. (Guess I pulled a 180 without even really thinking about it.) Said he had never heard me say anything like that, and that I sounded more like him.

But, again, I was feeling pretty sensitive last night. I can't recall how it came up, but H said something about kissing people on the cheek. This lead to a conversation where I told H I didn't think it was appropriate for a M man to be so touchy-feely with other women.

He told me that that was just who he was, and he couldn't change that. Which irritated me. He did admit that he tried to stop--I think he said five different times--but he kept going back to the behavior without realizing it. And that, for him, it didn't mean anything.

My problem, and maybe this sounds weird, is that H comes across as flirty. I realize a big part of that is jus how he communicates, and that's fine...he's often misunderstood...but I don't want him hugging on or putting his arm around other people. Is that too much to ask? I think it's reasonable.

He did point out that it's not fair for me to hold something against him that's cultural. He pointed out it's not just him, but Italians and the French who do the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting.

I was just irritated with him last night, and didn't respond. The whole "it's just me and I can't change bit" really rubbed me wrong. I don't know if this will make any sense, but it's less that his communication style comes across flirty, and more I don't want other women to get the wrong idea. Because it's been a problem...and not just once now. Although he did promise to try and curb it again...

But as I was driving this morning, I realized I was being a bit demanding. My need to push and push until I get a resolution was getting the best of me last night. It's best to just back off with H, tell him what I think, and let him work it out.

And, I also realized, I might have also been a little insensitive. The kiss-on-the-cheek greeting (and only as a greeting) really isn't that big of a deal. I was letting my reactions get to me. I can handle that one. I guess the problem is, I have this image of my husband (however unintentionally) flirting with other women while I'm at home, asleep, and physically can't go out with him because of my work schedule. I hate that he has this social life that I know nothing about, because I can't because of my job. It's not that he has friends that I don't. Just that it's not even possible for me to be a part of it. Is that out of line?

Anyway, had the test done at the doctor's yesterday. Pretty quick visit. Should hear back by next week. Hopefully it's gone and taken care of.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]