Told H last night I had felt a little neglected the last couple of weeks. He stopped what he was doing, we moved to the couch, and had a good, long talk. Said the last thing he wanted was for me to feel neglected. ( ) Although I think the lack of attention has been due to the fact that he just got Xbox live, and has been obsessed with the new toy.
So...I decided to try and figure out what sorts of things make me feel happy, loved, and content in the M. (And then I'll do what I think are H's.)
Me
Touch
Touch is definately my primary. I love to cuddle, hold hands, the whole bit. Doesn't even have to do with sex. H and I match completely here, which is great, and I usually get plenty of this one, so no problems.
WOA
I crave these. H doesn't seem to be too natural at giving them, but I know he makes an effort. I realize sometimes I "set things up" for him to respond, he just doesn't always.
For example, last night I was going to take a shower, and I realized I needed a towel, but there weren't any in the bathroom. So...I walked by H in the buff. The goof didn't even say anything, until I stopped right next to him and was like "Hello!!!" LOL! He looked up, grinned, said he'd noticed, and just not said anything. Which...is pretty typical. He usually registers it, but doesn't comment.
Sex
I feel closer with sex. Maybe not the norm for a woman, but definately true of me. In all honesty, I would like to have more with H (he's rather LD), but I know he's made an effort to keep me satisfied, and I appreciate that.
One thing we did figure out, is that our hormones just seem to be on a different schedule. When I'm really, really interested...he's not. And then, when he is, it's the wrong time of month for me.
He also tends to be the most interested at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. When I was working part time, he used to consistantly attack me when I got home. But now, I get home closer to 6...so, oh well. I'm not as bothered by this anymore, because we do ML much more than we used to.
Quality Time
This is not a huge deal for me, but I need some of it. What really seems to click for me is doing new things together. Like going out to a new club. We are planning on taking a cooking class together (which we've been talking about for months), and I think it will be great time together for both of us.
I also need to have H's attention on me. This is not a huge need. I don't need a lot of it. But, there are times when I just need some complete and undivided attention from him.
This has been a little lacking lately, but not too much. I think I feel a little under, since we haven't been able to lift weights together at the gym since I hurt my shoulder. No, I never saw a doctor for it. It's getting better, I can do a lot more with it, but pressing and all that good stuff is just out of the question for a while longer.
Intimate Conversations
This really seems to hit the spot for me. I like to talk about deep feelings, and interests... H said he's a dweller and I'm the talker, so maybe talking about our M problems isn't going to work for him. I think what will help is if I can get these conversations centered around other things. I can recall when we were first dating, and going through the phase of sharing dreams and memories, that really increased a sense of intimacy for me.
I don't seem to need a lot of this, but every two or three weeks or so, I need a good dose of just conversation. I've noticed this works on anyone with me...so I need to up these with H.
I think this is the only major difference between H and I.
Other
I'm not a huge AOS person. H is, and I appreciate it when he does it, but it's just not natural for me. I think this is probably our biggest conflict, although it's more a problem for me than him.
H
Touch
Definately his primary, as discussed above. He loves to get massages...which, unfortunately, I haven't been able to do as much lately since I hurt my shoulder. He might be feeling a little deprived because of that, but I don't think too much.
Acts of Service
H is a huge AOS person. For people he really cares about, he will go waaaay out of his way to do things for them. I try to make sure and thank him--usually some WOA --when he does stuff ro me. I know he enjoys the acknowledgement.
Again, this just doesn't feel natural for me. Before I understood what this was, I used to feel used and unappreciated when he would ask me to do things for him. He's always asking me to get him a glass of water or help him get ready for work. It doesn't bother me so much now, since he told me that these sorts of things make him feel very loved. And, since I know I'm appreciated (even though he doesn't say it...I would love the WOA), I don't feel as used.
Quality Time
He is much more quality time than I am. This is probably why he has been dieing to try the cooking class together. And it's why he's always asking me to run around and do errands with him. Although, yes, I usually do have fun with him. So I will let him drag me out at times I would rather stay home.
WOA
H says he's not big on WOA, but he does seem to like getting them from me. Told me last night that I'm the only one he's ever believed when I told him I thought he was beautiful. And I know he likes getting my sappy little vmails and text messages. I like to leave them for him when he's at work...and then he comes home all happy and affectionate.
Sex
Doesn't seem to be a huge priority for him, although he does have his days. LOL Yes, there are times he wants to ML to be close to me. Actually, when he does initiate, it's usually because he's wanting to feel close to me.
H did tell me that I've managed to increase his drive. ( ) I think it's a comfort thing for him...the more comfortable he is with someone, the more he's interested. He's tricky, though...often I he's unresponsive when I initiate. And it's hard to get him to initiate. I'm learning that he doesn't often like to admit when he's really, really in the mood. So I'm learning how to read his body language. I think he feels selfish when it just comes down to his being horny...but geeze, that's fine with me!!! lol And when I'm picking up on the cues...well..then I'm trying to be more agressive during those times, and stay backed off the rest of the time.
Although, again, he's making a huge effort to keep me satisfied. I have really, really felt deprived in this area in the past.
Other Shtuff
Neither of us are gift people at all. Although, and we both are this way, when it comes to Christmas or birthdays, we usually do want to spend the money or get something special. I'm often actually uncomfortable when people try to give me things--althgouth I don't know why, and H seems to be the same way.
One other thing that I've learned works well is to just be straight forward. Kicking my passive agressive tendencies is one of the best things I have ever done. When I feelt neglected, I just tell H. When he's in a bad mood or seems withdrawn, I ask if it's about me, or if he's just tired, hungry, got something else on his mind...and he'll just tell me. And then, I don't take it personally.
And I realized something else over the past few days...I no longer have this need for H to "make it up to me." Don't care, don't blame him, not angry anymore, don't want him to wallow in guilt. I see him as a person with flaws, very human flaws, who made some mistakes. And learned from them. I love him very, very much, and even though it still really hurts at times...I'm just not angry anymore.
H did tell me last night that he was worried about joining the army. He was afraid of getting hurt or of it affecting our relationship. His oldest brother (BIL1), when he was stationed overseas, worked with career military men, in special forces, who were on their third and fourth marriages. I guess that really scared H. H said he has even considered going full active, if it's something that he likes.
I told him if he wants to be active, then do it. That I would go with him. I am in a flexible career, and I want him to do what's going to make him happy, as well. And, I told him that we are different. I am different than those other people. I don't give up so easy. (Obviously. ) That made him smile, and he told me how much appreciated that.
) Although I think the lack of attention has been due to the fact that he just got Xbox live, and has been obsessed with the new toy. 
--when he does stuff ro me. I know he enjoys the acknowledgement.
) I think it's a comfort thing for him...the more comfortable he is with someone, the more he's interested. He's tricky, though...often I he's unresponsive when I initiate. And it's hard to get him to initiate. I'm learning that he doesn't often like to admit when he's really, really in the mood. So I'm learning how to read his body language. I think he feels selfish when it just comes down to his being horny...but geeze, that's fine with me!!! 
