I was late to work this morning. Then, when I get there, my manager asks why I even came in...guess he thought I wouldn't be here this morning, either. Sheesh. (I do have some stuff I need to get done.)

Anyway.

When I got home last night, H was very cuddly and affectionate. Brought up the whole baby thing again. Very sweet.

At some point, I fell asleep on the couch. Okay, pretty much passed out. Don't remember much, except H trying to wake me up to watch a TV show and then later to go to the gym with him.

I sort of woke up when he was headed out the door. The thing is, I don't wake up very quickly or very well. And, especially when I've dozed off and not had enough sleep, one of two things happens...I either get really upset, or really b!tchy. Not trying to make excuses, just saying that's what happens to me.

I mumbled something, and reached for H. He stopped, asked if I wanted to go. I said I did. He said he would wait for me, and I got upset. Now, again, when I'm this out of it, I tend to get emotional. He kept asking over and over if I wanted to go. I did. Was I going? No.

I think we had this annoying conversation for fifteen minutes. However, I was still mostly asleep...and wasn't comprehending very well what was going on. I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that he was going to be impatient with me, and start yelling or get mad. Of course, I wasn't communicating that very well. Okay, I probably just didn't, since I was asleep. I don't wake up well.

So H did wind up getting mad. Well, duh, I was being all wishy washy and annoying. Said he had tried to get me up for an hour, and then he tried to be patient, but that he was mad because I was taking up his gym time. And that this was incredibly important to him, and I was keeping him from that.

I respect his right to be mad at me. But, I really felt he was being unreasonable. It's not like I was pushing his buttons on purpose. But, I have to admit, he really was trying to calm down. I could see it.

Well, when he got irritated with me, that finally woke me up the rest of the way. I told him I did want to go, but that I was afraid of his being angry and yelling at me. He said he would wait, it was okay. I was still a little teary, but I went to get my stuff.

Well, then H saw the clock, and declared I had ruined his time at the gym, and it was too late for him to go now. Which...just set me to crying. Again. (Once I start, it takes me a long time to calm down...) Which just made him madder.

I think we went around this one a few more times. He really was trying not to get angry...but then he just lost his cool. Went storming in the front room. I stayed in the bedroom and cried. Stayed there for awhile. Then I heard something glass break.

I didn't go out of the bedroom, but that got me irritated. I know he has a temper, and I know he was trying to keep under control, but that's just not acceptable. I waited awhile...don't know how long, and went into the other room. Told him I had a problem with that kind of temper. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to go to counseling. He asked if I was going to leave him. I said no.

H told me, even when we first dated, that he has a temper. He doesn't like it; reminds him of his father. He has told me in the past, when he got into arguments with his family, that he has broken stuff. There was one incident where he punched a whole through a door. While it was open. And another time he punched a whole in the wall of his mother's bedroom. But, he has only ever been that angry around me once...when he was in full-blown WAS mode. And even then, he didn't hit/break anything.

Now, he has never, ever, actually gotten that mad around me. (Again, he was in the other room, and I'm just assuming the glass wasn't an accident.)

I left him alone then. He was still mad, but calmer. The last time he got really worked up, I didn't leave him alone like he had asked. Decided to get some hot tea. Sat down at the computer.

He must have cooled down, because he asked me to come sit with him. So I went over there. He layed his head on my shoulder, put his arms around me. Said he wanted to talk. I said okay.

So he told me all of the things that were bothering him. Said he didn't understand why I always stop him from going to the gym. (Not true...) That he felt like I was literally tieing him down to a chair, and that it was really important, because now he felt fat. H has gained some weight (I think he was stress-eating while we were apart), but he's nowhere near "fat." Actually, we've both gained...not enough money for TKD lately.

He then said he couldn't handle when I get that upset. It just drives him crazy. That he was trying to be understanding, but that he can't handle when I don't give him a concrete decision. He also said he can't walk out of the door on me when I'm that upset, because it really bothers him. And, that, he was tired of me making him feel bad everyday. (????)

That confused me, so I asked him what he meant. He said "It's always something"--TV, radio, something. He said he knew I was traumatize, he didn't doubt that, (and somehow, the way he said it, I felt really trivialized) but he just hated that I'm so emotional. (Geeze, and I thought I was doing well...grrr...give me a little credit...) I tried to get a better explanation, but he went on to other things.

I wanted to get defensive, but I shut my trap and listened and validated. Kind of like biting my tongue. He obviously wanted to talk, so I was going to let him. I want him to know he can talk to me. I can't remember what all else he said. Just that he was really upset about the whole gym thing. That that's his big anger release, which is why he gets so uptight when he can't go. (Does make sense...and it made me feel better he realizes it, and is working on it. Actually, he's worked on it a lot in the last few months.)

I was still uneasy. Him being angry doesn't scare me, just reminds me sooo much of when he was in walk-away mode. It's like, once he gets that worked, I'm actually expecting him to take off out of the door again.

After I posted last night about having the fight, he did give me a big hug and tell me that I had nothing to worry about. So that helped.

I debated calling him after he left. (He said he needed out of the house, wanted to go out, which is fine.) I wanted to call him and get more reassurances, but I didn't think that would be productive. So I sent a text saying "Have fun. ILY." Then, I decided to call him anyway. Not to pester him, but to tell him goodnight. Which is what I always do when he goes out, and that's why I decided to do that. (And not bug him!)

He sounded happy (and very normal) when I called him. I think he was glad I called to tell him goodnight. We didn't talk long, because he said the roads were icy. It took me awhile to calm down enough to go sleep, but I wasn't feeling nearly as wound up as earlier.

I've noticed, interestingly, we both do the same thing. When I get mad, I want some time to myself, and then I want to approach him. But, when I'm mad, he wants reassurances from me. (Which is hard for me to do, but I try.)

When he gets mad, he also wants some time alone. And then I want reassured. Sheesh. But I did a better job of staying backed off last night, and he calmed down quicker.

I do think I pushed too much last night. No, I'm not taking the blame for his anger. Just not entirely happy with my own whininess/tired/pushy whatever attitude. I do have a problem with the whole glass thing. Again, I didn't ask, I'm just guessing... That's not okay. But, I told him last night I find that unacceptable. He has told me before he doesn't like his temper. We'll see from here.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today. Not so worked up...kind of not really as bothered by last night anymore. Minor drama this morning, but nothing serious. He even looked half-asleep when he got in. (Made me a little late to work, but oh well.) He was concerned that he had upset me, but I told him it was okay.

So, I'm leaving work early today to try to get my license straightened out. Still. This is driving me crazy.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]