I realized a few things over the weekend, and thought they would be interesting to make a note of. It shows how far H and I have really come along.


  • kids
  • Not only does H want kids--a radical change from just a year ago--but the number he wants has gone up. From 1...to 3.
  • holiday enthusiasm
  • It was nonexistant. "Grinch" was a pretty good term for H. Said Christmas sucked because his childhood was lousy. (To make a long story short.) This year... Well, after Thanksgiving, he found a station on the radio that was playing Christmas tunes. And was enthusiastically singing along.
  • household chores
  • We have them pretty evenly split, which is a nice changed. I honestly don't feel like I'm doing all of the work anymore.
  • trust
  • I don't feel like I'm fighting myself so much anymore. I'm not making rational arguments against my crazymaker. It actually feels deeper, more real. And this one makes sense. The first time we reconciled (which only lasted three months), H was saying he was going to leave me...but he was still acting like he was angry and distancing himself. Now, he's acting like the guy I married. (They really do come back from the mothership... )
  • And...I'm no longer dwelling on the PA/two seperations/psycho stuff constantly. There are days it doesn't even cross my mind.
  • I don't have that weird sense of unreality. I used to feel this bizarre disconnect...like H and I were living this lie, or it was a show put on for other people. That we were hiding something. Weirdest thing. That's gone.


Something else I found interesting...I'm beginning to think H hasn't dealt with things. At least, not all the way. This does worry me, because he has a tendency to just not deal with traumatic events, period. I can tell, because I will make an offhand comment about something, and he will get very upset about it. It could be something relatively small, that I've said without really thinking about it. But he actually asked me the other day to drop a subject, saying he "wasn't ready to talk about it."

And that's fine with me. I just hope he figures out a way to deal with things.

But then, maybe I'm still being a bit of an alarmist. We have had several late, late, late night (=4am) conversations where H has just cried on me about everything.

But, still, overall...lots of progress!!

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]