Well, after being in such a goofy mood yesterday, I'm just plain tired today. All these late night talks with H are leaving me tiiiiiired. Okay, it's also my fault that I'm not going to bed earlier, but I have such a hard time telling him no when he's asking with those big brown puppy dog eyes if I'll just run out real quick with to pick up a movie... (We've both decided that QT plays a big part for him. ) I think, after he quits working (after Christmas he's going to start pursuing school) I'll ask him to try to switch to a schedule that's at least closer to mine...

I've noticed that he's asked me a few times recently what I "write about him" on the boards. I just reassure him that it's not about him, but me, and how I react to the relationship. I've told him that there is some venting, but it was never about bashing him or putting him down...this is just my version of therapy. In the past I have offered to let him read the threads, and he has declined, saying that it's my personal thoughts. (On a public BB, no less. )

This morning, when he came to bed--seriously, maybe 40 minutes before I had to get up for work--he was upset. Said that he couldn't believe how badly he had hurt me. Wanted me to curl up really close to him...I know he gets a lot of comfort from that. He kept asking me to forgive him, and I told him of course I did. He asked if he had broken my heart. I said that he had--but that he had also put it back together again for me. H asked if had thought that "your [H's name]" was gone. (Weird pet saying we have...he says "my Nevanna" and I say "my [H's name]".) I said I did feel that way...but now I feel like I have him back. He said he just felt so guilty, he couldn't believe I still wanted him. I snuggled closer, told him that I was still here, that I loved him, and I wanted him. He said that it was a miracle I was still there. I asked him if he felt better now than he did several months ago. (I know I sure do!) He said no, he still feels very guilty. I told him I forgive him. H said he didn't know how to forgive himself.

At that point, I just started to massage him. Which is actually kind of hard for me, since I managed to do something to my shoulder at the gym. (I never bothered to go to the doctor, but whatever I pulled was pretty bad.) I think we both fell asleep then.

In a way, I'm glad H feels guilty. That means he knows his actions were wrong, and he knows he hurt me. Which means he's not likely to repeat those mistakes. But, at the same time, I don't want him to hurt anymore. I love him, and I hate to see him in pain. I realize I can't fix it--he has to figure out how to do that--but I can be there for him.

Just a reminder to myself, since I'm pretty good at forgetting it...I don't need to browbeat H with the "you hurt me" speech, because he really does know it, and that's not productive. And, when I back off, H is able to let his guard down more, which gives me the reassurance that I really need.

I've also noticed H is opening up more. Which is good for both of us. It creates feelings of intimacy for me--personal conversations, sharing feelings, all that girly touchy-feely stuff--really creates that emotional bond for me. I also think, despite what he says, talking about it may help ease his fears and anxieties. We'll see.

We did have nasty blow-up on Tuesday night. Petty on both sides. Some name-calling. He slammed some doors--said "if I don't get what I want, then you don't either." I called him a 12-year-old. (He said he must be 12, then.) Yeah, real mature on both sides. Maybe we needed to blow off some tensions? Interestingly, it was very pre-bomb#2-ish. Scared me, scared him. But we were fine by the next day. (We both asked each other a few times to double-check, though. ) So if the measure of a relationship is how fast the couple recovers, we're making progress.

And I have babies on the brain. Really, really badly. I declared yesterday that my period was late. (Okay, so it wasn't yet, but I had expected it sooner.) H asked if I was pregnant, and I said "I dunno." We decided that would be pretty funny, since I'm on BC, and we've ML the least number of times this last month than in any of the last six months. (Because of the cryo procedure I had done.)

We even started talking about names in the car last night. Which, apparentally, is going to be hard... LOL... We couldn't agree on anything. I decided I'm getting a baby names book. H kept suggesting all of these very common names. Which, since I have an *incredibly* common name (no, Nevanna is not my real name...unfortunately...)...I would hate to do the same to my child. Although I said we shouldn't settle on a name that either of us didn't like. (Which led to lots of "veto" a la Ross and Rachel on Friends. )

And...when we got home, I realized I had gotten my period. I must admit, I was a tad dissappointed. Not that there was any reason to think I might have been, since I'm on BC and I wasn't even really late...guess I just want a baby. It'll probably be awhile before I feel like we're arranged enough to actually try, but, that's okay. We discussed getting married for a good two years before we finally did it.

We also got into an interesting discussion on MLC. Not sure why H brought it up...probably my offhand references to stuff here on the boards...but he wanted to know what I would do to help him. I gave him the general answer of "be supportive, let you do your thing, not make fun of you for the impulsive stuff." I also reassured him that not everyone runs out and has an affair. (Wasn't sure if that was what he was afraid of.) And that it's best just to let the MLCer works things out in their own way.

He kept pressing, asking what I would do, knowing him, how I would get involved. Said he wanted to see how well I knew him. And he used the example of asking me if I would, say, suggest a weekend out for him or something like that.

So, I told him, if we didn't have any, I would help him buy a motorcycle. And, depending on what he wanted, I might ride with him (my own bike) or suggest weekend trips away. I would take the time to, maybe, find a nice bike route or a convention or something and suggest that to him. He asked what else I might do. I thought about it for a minute, and told him that if he hadn't gotten all the tattoo work done he wanted by then, I would suggest getting some more tattoos, maybe helping him out with the designs. He thought that was a cool idea, and seemed pretty exicted, saying I really did know him well. (:))

H asked about what I would be most upset about during MLC. I said that, if I hit that age, and had not done any of the creative things I would like to, that would be the thing to most likely upset me. I've always wanted to be an author. Whether or not I could get something published, I would like to at least have finished writing something. I also said I would want to have gotten better at the digital art I have worked on, since that's a huge interest of mine. Or, that I would want to do some world travelling. There are lots of places that I want to see and visit, so I think that will be a big thing for me when I have the time and the money.

Then, I commented that the irony of MLC is that, often people who reach that age are in a better position to do the things they have always wanted to. (I do realize that's not always true.) Their kids are grown or can be left for longer periods of time, and you've been working long enough to be making more money and have more vacation. I do realize it's about facing growing old and the choices we've made in our lives...and most especially about the things we have not be able to accomplish that we always wanted to. But it was also interesting to realize the new sorts of opportunities that come up at that point in life.

The whole conversation was kind of weird. I mean, trying to guess what my crisis may be if I have MLC??

Interesting...looking back, I think H is trying to plan ahead for any sort of R problems we may have in the future. Very sweet, actually.

And I still have babies on the brain...

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]