Wow, 26 views and no replies. (Okay, not that there was much to reply to...)

So, H has been home almost a week, and I have just now really settled back down.

His flight left on the Sunday before Thanksgiving at 7am. After FCW (female coworker) called him Saturday night (no joke) to tell him when the flight was, I basically lost it. Couldn't stop crying the whole night. I completely freaked out.

H declared I had seperation anxiety. I spent a good forty minutes curled up on him on the couch just in complete tears. Blurted out all kinds of stuff--about me blaming myself (both for xrm and the PA with ow before that...I think it was news to him). Admitted that my big fear was that he would come back and things would be weird again, or something would change his mind while he was gone. He assured me that wouldn't happen.

He had to go up to the club where FCW and MCW worked to find out his flight number and airline. (Not kidding.) Then he decided that he would work a little at his other job to make some cash before he took off. I wound up not seeing him at all before I took him to the airport...probably part of the reason I was so freaked out.

I was so upset when he came home, he almost told FCW he wasn't going. I told him he should go anyway.

So, when we got to the airport, we found that his coworker didn't book him a flight home. And they were on a different flight to San Diego, and he wasn't sure where they were meeting at. Then I actually got mad. (I had only had about an hour nap at that point...)

Wound up picking a fight with him at the food court. About how he didn't have a flight back, how he was going to get stuck because it was right before Thanksgiving, and I didn't have any money to get him home. He said he couldn't help it, FCW just looked so up upset when she asked him for help to get her daughter back. I told him I was tired of him putting other people first, because I always wound up getting hurt. I'm not sorry I said it, but my timing was pretty lousy. He asked me if we could just not fight until his flight left, I agreed, and he got some breakfast. I was actually feeling physically ill at that point.

After he got on the plan, I cried in the car.

H called me as he was waiting to board. At his connecting. And twice after he landed in San Diego. I had looked up flights for him, and he got one booked for Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Never did hear why his was one-way and his two coworkers weren't.

After I slept all day Sunday, H didn't call, so I figured he was busy. I didn't want to bother him, so I didn't call him. (Cell phones are just the best! ) Around 10:30pm, BIL2 shows up at my door. I was headed to bed, and he said H was trying to get a hold of me, but my phone didn't seem to work. That H tried to call me, MIL tried to call me, and he tried to call me. My phone never rang. So we fiddled with it for a minute. Then BIL2's phone rang--H was calling. I answered, talked to H for a bit.

He was freaking out. Said he thought I was mad at him, and ignoring his calls. Then he was afraid something might have happened to me, so he sent BIL2 over to check. We talked for a bit, he calmed down, and I said I was headed to bed.

They even got FCW's daughter back the same day they got in California. So he rented a car and took off the next day to go see his friends (not the two coworkers he went with) up by LA. I talked to him several times on Monday, while he was travelling. While I was talking with frequently, I was fine.

But then he was busy Tuesday with his friends. I was depressed, tired...didn't do much. I had such a hard time sleeping while he was gone. The empty apartment reminded me so much of when I was living by myself...only worse, because his stuff was there, so it felt like he was just out of reach.

I didn't talk to him for six hours on Tuesday, and I got really worked up. Convinced he would change his mind, want to leave... In just six hours.

The thing is, the whole weirdness started when H took a trip to Cancun a year and a half ago. He came back, and just wasn't the same. I was terrified of it happening again.

H came home Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for him to be back, but I was actually also really worried. I left work early to meet him at the airport. BIL2 was there to pick up MIL, who had gone to Florida with her bf for a few days.

I got to the airport a little late, and H was already getting his bags when I arrived. I gave him a hug, but he said I seemed withdrawn. I'm sure I was.

Thanksgiving I cooked. It was nice, but I was tired. Wound up going to bed early while H and his family played Halo. My parents didn't come over, which was fine...I didn't want to deal with their awkwardness, anyway.

Friday and Saturday I was starting to feel better. Being around H to see that things really were fine helped immensely. (And four days to lounge around in pajamas was great... )

So, I've finally calmed back down. H has said over and over again he's not going to leave me. We're making plans to move to Phoenix, buy a house, and start a family soon. I can't wait.

I actually had a dream that we had 11 kids. Quadruplets, triplets, and quadruplets. LOL It was actually kind of nice... Put both H and I into a baby mood. We talked about kids all day long that day...

Clearly, I'm traumatized. I actually had a physical reaction to the whole thing. But, I'd say H was, too. He cannot stand if he thinks I am ignoring him--because that's what I did at the end of sep #1. Sort of fell into the LRT. It panics him, so I'm careful to not let that happen again. Guess we're both affected.

H also admitted to me that he is afraid I will get tired of wading through this mess, tired of dealing with my own emotions. I promised him that I felt like he was worth it.

I completely fell apart. H was very, very sweet about the whole thing.

I also understand a lot of the whys now behind DB techniques. Why they work, why the walk-away feels that way... I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point if I hadn't just made myself go through with it.

So that's been my week. I did something to my shoulder at the gym, so typing is a bit of a straing now. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]