I have just read through your current thread, and I am amazed and inspired at the same time. I, too, have been trying to build up my faith - very hard at a time like this. My religion also preaches that marriage is something God intends for us, and that He hates divorce (I am a Mormon, by the way). Thankfully, my M seems to be on track, and I continue to read other threads to help me maintain that.
I am also very motivated by my children. I want them to have both parents, in a loving R. It is the best situation for them.
I can see how difficult it must be for you to stand by your children, trying to protect your interests, while at the same time maintaining civil contact with your WAW, even in the face of her dispicable behaviour. And you would still keep the M if she was agreeable to it - you are a strong person. I don't know if I could've done it. It sure sounds like she is quite deliberate in her verbal attacks, but also sounds very MLC.
The only advice I can give is to stay the course. You are doing an awesome job.
Your in-laws sound like my ex-ILs from my first M. That was a physically abusive R (and a long, and horrible story, and I saw what it did to my eldest daughter, and would hate to repeat that), and the only reason that I would contemplate leaving a M. Even an affair will not deter me.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks y'all. Because I'm headed to litigation, I'm hesitant to post much more here. But as I've become acutely aware, the more W pursues the D, the more ornery she becomes and I just have to take it.
DB Coach Laurie hinted 15 months ago that someone can't be angry forever, but as Berto's W shows, it may indeed be possible and W is pushing the envelope very hard!
Beyond that, it's in the courts' and God's hands. The only real question I have is when she files (which could be any day now) and I contest, what in the world do I tell my kids--or at least my oldest. It's really no longer feasible for me to attend family events with her side of the family as my ILs have made it known they now disapprove of my stance and no longer wish to maintain anything more than a civil R. As Ricky would tell Lucy, I need to be splaining things.
Oh well. Today is the Feast of the Conversion of Saint Paul and all I can do is look to his life and his faith and know that being true to myself and my beliefs will bring greater rewards down the road.
Just got official word from my L this afternoon via e-mail that W has filed. I have not seen the complaint and have not discussed it with L, but I have roughly three weeks to respond.
This goes a long way to explaining W's behavior this past week, which while rarely cordial, tends to be explosive when she meets with her L -- followed by a few days of calm.
ADVICE FOR NEWBIES: Keep a journal. One thing that will make this process a little bit easier is that I have been keeping a running computer journal since May 2003. I suspect there is barely an allegation that I can't reference in my journal and offer a different opinion of events. While this often comes down to he says-she says, I certainly won't be struggling to recall events. I should state, however, that your S should never know about a journal. That I keep one and referenced it long before I heard of DBIng is a major and ongoing source of angst for W. But again, this is her choice, not mine.
The funny thing is that I did not start a journal thinking I would ever be in this place and would need it for litigation, but to make sure I wasn't losing my mind when W said things and denied them a few days later. WAS's can be so convincing that I really began to wonder if I was imagining things, so I started writing everything down as it happened just so I could go back for a reality check.
The sheer waste of this stinks, both financial and emotional, but at this time, contesting the D remains the best option of several poor ones.
My new motto is litigate with grace. I just hope she can do the same thing, but I'm not counting on it.
((((Merrick))))) - I'm sorry to hear that, Merrick - I'm sure it's not easy... I do hope this process can go smoothly for you and particularly for the kids. You're a great father, Merrick. Hold on to yourself and keep putting their needs first as you have been all this time. Big hugs, -H2H
Looking for a nice Jewish boy, soon to be Catholic with three wonderful kids? Oops. I forgot that I get sea sick. Never mind.
I saw the complaint today and at least my name is spelled right. To me, not much else is true, but a judge needs to be convinced of that. The thought of having to respond by putting on paper much of what you've read here and a lot more makes me a little ill, but this is the path W has chosen and I so long as I stick to the truth, all will be fine.
It is amazing how many people will tell me to go for the jugular and make all kinds of assertions that W will have toi refute. While I know this is a legal battle where you make your best case, I still want to maintain some dignity. I'm going to have to really trust my L on this one and see where it goes--but W is definitely going to freak when she reads what she has denied me from speaking for years.
Quote: but W is definitely going to freak when she reads what she has denied me from speaking for years.
But just imagine the load off your shoulders when you do submit what you have wanted to say for so long.
I have to admit, I am probably in the same corner with all those people to give her every thing she deserves. But I would say to make sure what you say are absolute truths, nothing bent or twisted.
Lord knows you won't need to do that!
Take care buddy!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
My friend, I am sorry you are facing this. I do know that you will conduct yourself with integrity, character and thoughtfulness, so, ultimately, you will be in the better place than She Who Will Not Be Named.
I have told you this before, but I'll say it again: I admire the courage of your convictions. You are a good dad and a good man -- through the coming ordeal I know you will be focused on doing what's right and what's best for your kids. God love you, Merrick.
Heard your christening is on the calendar. Fantastic! If your friends are not able to be there in person, please know they will all be there in spirit.
Thanks for your comments on my thread (no cable - living within threadbare budget for a bit). I admire your willingness to stay true to yourself and to work toward the best interests of your kids.
I keep wondering if your sitch will quiet once the D is over with and its just back to real people. The R will continue, as you have kids. And this brings added weight to the importance of continued GAL work. Who knows what will happen in 2-3 years? You and your family are in my prayers, Buddy.
I've been reading up on your posting. How do you stay so centered?
Quote: DB Coach Laurie hinted 15 months ago that someone can't be angry forever, but as Berto's W shows, it may indeed be possible and W is pushing the envelope very hard!
Well, my X has been very nice lately and I suspect for a few reasons. Let me explain........
In June, the X came back and told me how much of a mistake she's made, she's worse off now than before, she's made a mistake etc.
I then did what I thought was the RIGHT thing........I set boundaries to how our make up would work. We had to go see a T, everything in writing, etc. I was very demanding and putting up some serious boundaries, all of which failed.
So, she became fearful and then went on a rage and told me to go you know where. Once again, I really goofed on our M.
So, quickly after this, she starts to see some guy. If you can remember your "Walking on Eggshells", her R with him was fast and furious. That was in June, by August she was telling me how she was going to marry this new guy, blah, blah, blah.
Well Merrick, he dumped her on her Birthday last week. Talk about OUCH. Kids told me everything, how mommy was crying all day long. I never asked and I never mentioned anything to the X. I did though compare notes with MY mom cause the kids love to tell her everything.
So, since last week, X has been very nice, giving hugs, making alot of phone calls to "CHeck on the girls", not unusual but very unusual for the amount of phone calls. She gave me all kinds of compliments when dropping off the girls on Saturday, a long hug and even an "I'm sorry"
SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, the point to all this? I think that she has exhausted her mean spirit. I'm sure it had something to do with being dumped by her "Saviour" but it also had to do with the fact that I've finally let go of the rope. There is nothing I can do or say and I have my kids' lives to look after and my own.
I think that there is light at the end of every tunnel, whether the light comes from behind or in front, there is light. I'm not saying that we are getting back together, but at least I can see that whatever happens, it is going to be a smoother road. A good dose of her own medicine might have acutally worked. LOL
When you come back to DC, we should meet for a coffee or something.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Thanks for checking in. As I noted before, I'm hesitant to post in the midst of litigation. I can't believe the amount of time spent on handling this--from responding to the complaint to gathering all my financial data for determining my net worth.
I did file an answer--on Valentine's Day no less, although we decided against having it delivered ina big red envelope with hearts (I'm still trying to keep my sense of humor )! However, I don't think she has actually received it yet, because it is not exactly a love letter--and she can't go more than 24 hours without responding to anything I present--even if it's positive!
Alas, this is such a negative process, but I have to keep reminding myself that it was not the road I chose. Hopefully, we'll have a preliminary conference with a judge in the near future and I can get a better sense of legal horizon--apart from having to pay lawyers. My half-joking fear is that the legacy W and I will leave is a seminal law case on our State's divorce law that is read and chuckled at by generations to come. Everyone can Google Merrick v. Merrick! God willing, we won't reach that point.
On the plus side, I am no longer a catechumen, but one of the "elect," and I get to pick a confirmation name after one of the saints. Thomas--for Saint Thomas More, the patron saint of lawyers, is aleading contender. He was beheaded by Henry VIII for supporting the Pope over the King on issues of marriage and divorce as Henry split from Rome.
So with my approaching baptism, confirmation, and first communion--the Devil is taking a side-by-side stroll with me on one side dangling the remnants of my marriage over my head with lawyers, litigation, and the Church's restrictive teaching as bells and whistles. However, Jesus is also walking right along on the other side holding my hand and saying not to worry about the other guy, reminding me that he is just a distraction from the true path to happiness. And when you meet people along your journey who truly care about you and treat you in a way you have not experienced from your spouse in a long, long time, the decision on who to follow is really not that hard. I just hope I can be a good soldier.
One comment on Berto-
Quote: then did what I thought was the RIGHT thing........I set boundaries to how our make up would work. We had to go see a T, everything in writing, etc. I was very demanding and putting up some serious boundaries, all of which failed.
So, she became fearful and then went on a rage and told me to go you know where. Once again, I really goofed on our M.
I've really struggled with these types of issues, but no longer say I "goofed". Rather, I experimented and learned that almost nothing I did worked. After almost two years of this, it's easy to see how the best advice is to simply detach, be nice, and have no expectations--because the WAS is going to do whatever he or she pleases--and some of them are NEVER going to respond positively until THEY decide they want to. All we can do is accelerate or delay their final decisions--and it's truly impossible to know how they'll react until we try soemthing. That's the very essence of SBT--stop doing what doesn't work, keep trying something new, AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.
Oops. I forgot that I get sea sick. Never mind.