Hoo, boy, Merrick! I didn't know you'd been posting over here, and had gotten into the habit of your NOT posting, and so I missed all this as it was happening...
Good lord! Will the craziness never cease?
I had one tiny idea as I was reading through your interactions, and who knows, a drop in the bucket may well tip the balance (love those mixed metaphors!), so here goes:
What if you took the either/or out of your statements to your W about your openness to work on the R? What if you took out the BUT, for example, in this statement:
Quote: I repeat a theme that my heart is open to reconciliation and she has to help me provide her the R she wants in an M. BUT, if that's not the course she chooses, I will defend myself and my interests aggressively. She naturally takes this as my desire to destroy her and turns this around as my unwillingness to do anything unless under my terms.
Now, as a fellow crazymaker, I totally see where this set your W off. The bad news was at the end, and that's all she heard. She is looking for anything to latch onto when you say anything to her, Merrick, so why not say instead,
Quote: I repeat a theme that my heart is open to reconciliation and she has to help me provide her the R she wants in an M.
period. Then there's nothing to be contrary about, and though I'm sure she can find something, at least it isn't in your words.
I understand a need to feel you have to protect yourself, and issuing an either/or ultimatum is a way of doing this. But she's heard you, you don't have to say it anymore. What you do want to get across (because she is not hearing you) is your heartfelt and earnest desire to save the M. For now, all she's hearing is "defending my interests" "aggressively" etc.
Merrick 
