I've been lurking, but really have not had anything productive to add--and as much as I'd like to post to others, I've needed to keep my head clear.
The holidays were relatively calm, but since they were spent with her family, it was very awkward for me. Pretty much all the ILs are at the point where they just want me to move on and are now angry at me for staying and for exercising my legal rights.
I had two non-DBIng acts over the past few weeks. First, I suspected an emerging EA with OM#2 at her workplace--and when she came home at 2:30 in the morning and was on the phone in her car, I decided to call the guy.
I know, I know--WTF are u doing!!!!!!!!! But I needed to do this for ME. I simply told the guy that I was W's husband, lived at home with W and our three kids, and would not take kindly to an inappropriate R and he could expect any such R to be part of any litigation that arises between me and W. The guy responds, "We're just friends I'm only 31," to which I replied, That's what the 27-year old said when my W got involved with him. The guy asked if I was threatening him. I said I'm not threatenign him and I can't control what he and W do, but he still needed to know that if anything happened, such R would be part of any D proceedings when W initiates a suit. Naturally, he called W and she was highly ticked off, but I do believe in the school that says you have to take some of the fantasy off the EA--to stall it, and perhaps I've done that. I'm not sure at this point, however, if I would do it again.
The second thing I did was a surgical strike taking half my cash out of joint savings, terminating most joint credit cards, setting up my own checking account for my pay, and assuming control over all household bills--including plowing a good chunk of my Christmas bonus into 529 College Savings Plan for my kids. This may sound harsh, but it was more than fair in that I assumed more bills than I needed to, left well more than half our assets in her hands, and stated my intent to bolster future college savings.
Unfortunately, this generated a letter from her attorney threatening a lawsuit on this move and stating W's intent to file for D (the interim lawsuit would fail in two minutes). This required me to fire back with my own letter disputing her allegations and setting the record straight. But then I got another letter from her attorney about our expiring car lease in April--something W and I coulkd work out easily among ourselves. Like a lot of D attorney's, W's L sees us as an ATM machine. Fortunately, my L is not like this (yet) and asked me to write a reply that she could edit and send. But every time W's L fires off a letter--it will cost me $125 just for my L to look at it! Ugh!!!
At some level I'm relieved with things moving foward because it at least starts us moving out of this awful limbo. In addition, since her attorney's threatening letter included mischaracterizations and outright lies about my actions, I now have my best excuse to avoid all convos with W that begin to get contentious--I don't need to read about my comments in a complaint. I'm also getting a real handle on my finances and household expenditures, which while never out-of-control, were never really managed in a comprehensive way.
Gabriel--
Thanks for checkin' in.
I am not a Catholic, but a Catechumen. And to be honest, the Catholic Church's handling of M and D issues has been one of my most major sources of disappointment in my journey--with a seemingly indifferent shrugging acceptance of family breakdown in the U.S. Or Pharisitic may be a better word.
A perfect example is my primary catechist, who suggested to me that I may want to consider delaying my baptism until after a D. The reason for the delay would be the argument that since I'm Jewish, it wasn't really a sacrmental marriage and would make it easier to get an annulment. Now I appreciate the desire to help me in the future, and I replied politely that if I did that, I don't really think I would be faithful to my journey. But inside I was shocked and somewhat disgusted. Talk about putting the cart before the horse and playing God!!!! Again, this kind of legalese with God is exactly what Jesus criticized the Pharisees for doing. At leats that's the way I saw it.
But if priest sex scandals won't deter me from the Truth, neither will this. And I do find the Holy Spirit at work truly enabling me to let go of anger and resentment and healing my soul in a way I never imagined possible just a short time ago. When I sit back and think about it, prayer, an R with God, new friends, and my Church community have been the primary gifts I have received as a result of this marital turmoil. All in all, not a bad deal.
I'm also reading a book about midlife crisis in women, that has better opened my eyes to all the conflicts, pain, and emotional turmoil my W may be going through. If nothing else, it reinforces my capcity for empathy and ability to apply the other tools I've learned here and elsewhere.
So for now, I'm just waiting for the D to be filed and my L and I will pow-wow at that time to determine our next steps. I just pray we can do better for our kids.
That's it. TKKC1 is doing well for all those who may be interested as is Eddy in Wisconsin. As oyu know, this sucks, but so does cancer or doing patrol in Iraq. Every day is a gift from God and I try to treat each one with the respect it deserves.
