I wrote last year that when W actually used the D word, she had already chucked the M. The past 15 months have been about getting me out of the house and while that might have been my only real hope at one time--legally, I felt too much was at risk if it didn't work and that it would not be in the best interests of the kids.
In my case, it appears staying in-house in this confrontational setting has been too much. The opportunities for explosions are too many, and I really do give myself a pat on the back for avoiding fights and acting kind in 24 out of every 25 instances. But the times I falter can be doozy's. And while hindsight is 20-20, those confrontations may have occurred even if we were living apart.
As for when we get along better--I can honestly say there is no time. Laurie asked me to keep a reaction scale table to chart her interactions with me (a scale of 1 - 10; 1 being the Devil and 10 being my perfect Goddess; and 5 being neutral). In 270 days of charting,there have been a handful of "6"--primarily when we are out in public with the kids at a local event or she needs something from me. Fives occur when we barely interact and the rest is mostly fours ands threes. There is a constancy to draw me into a fight and she has said on a few occassions that she doesn't want to be nice to me because then I'll think our sitch is acceptable. Unlike some others on this board, I would welcome the day she chose to leave--but she would see this as admitting failure to the world and she categorically refuses to even consider a joint arrangement where we both spend time out of the house.
So what's really going on right now seems to be boil down to a war of wills between two people who are diametrically opposed in their deep-held beliefs as to what is the right thing to do--all wrapped into the unconcerned and detached legal implications that could flow from whatever actions we take.
Whether a new M can be resurrected from this remains to be seen, but the odds right now are against it. And I struggle with trying to discern whether God intends this to be the end of any similar Rs I may have with a woman for the rest of my days or whether he is putting me through the ultimate family endurance test of Faith that will be rewarded in my future earthly days with what my heart desires. The answer remains just as elusive today as it did 18 months ago. Or as my catechist half-joked, she sometimes envied Joseph because at least he had an angel come to him in his dreams to reveal how to address his concerns with Mary and her pregnancy. We all should have such angels helping us find the truth!
Anyway, I do feel good today, so that's a plus. Many thanks again.
