I'm in a really good mood this morning--in no small part due to the unconditional love of my kids, the Lord above, and tremendous friends and fellow travellers like Betsey and TKKC1. Upon further reflection, my W must have looked in my briefcase and saw a Christmas card envelope (among many) addressed to the Underdog Family.
As a reminder to focus on daily goals, I think this latest firestorm resulted because I have been thinking so big picture lately on finances, D litigation, future strategies, etc--that I forgot the most important goal of taking one day at a time and the simplest absolute goal of no confrontations!
I wrote last year that when W actually used the D word, she had already chucked the M. The past 15 months have been about getting me out of the house and while that might have been my only real hope at one time--legally, I felt too much was at risk if it didn't work and that it would not be in the best interests of the kids.
In my case, it appears staying in-house in this confrontational setting has been too much. The opportunities for explosions are too many, and I really do give myself a pat on the back for avoiding fights and acting kind in 24 out of every 25 instances. But the times I falter can be doozy's. And while hindsight is 20-20, those confrontations may have occurred even if we were living apart.
As for when we get along better--I can honestly say there is no time. Laurie asked me to keep a reaction scale table to chart her interactions with me (a scale of 1 - 10; 1 being the Devil and 10 being my perfect Goddess; and 5 being neutral). In 270 days of charting,there have been a handful of "6"--primarily when we are out in public with the kids at a local event or she needs something from me. Fives occur when we barely interact and the rest is mostly fours ands threes. There is a constancy to draw me into a fight and she has said on a few occassions that she doesn't want to be nice to me because then I'll think our sitch is acceptable. Unlike some others on this board, I would welcome the day she chose to leave--but she would see this as admitting failure to the world and she categorically refuses to even consider a joint arrangement where we both spend time out of the house.
So what's really going on right now seems to be boil down to a war of wills between two people who are diametrically opposed in their deep-held beliefs as to what is the right thing to do--all wrapped into the unconcerned and detached legal implications that could flow from whatever actions we take.
Whether a new M can be resurrected from this remains to be seen, but the odds right now are against it. And I struggle with trying to discern whether God intends this to be the end of any similar Rs I may have with a woman for the rest of my days or whether he is putting me through the ultimate family endurance test of Faith that will be rewarded in my future earthly days with what my heart desires. The answer remains just as elusive today as it did 18 months ago. Or as my catechist half-joked, she sometimes envied Joseph because at least he had an angel come to him in his dreams to reveal how to address his concerns with Mary and her pregnancy. We all should have such angels helping us find the truth!
Anyway, I do feel good today, so that's a plus. Many thanks again.
Hi Merrick, As a fellow Catholic, I have appreciated your viewpoint and your struggles with balancing your fight for your M with your basic individual needs. How is your sitch going? What are your plans post-D (if you are proceeding to that)? Have you been able to keep things non-combative?
I've been lurking, but really have not had anything productive to add--and as much as I'd like to post to others, I've needed to keep my head clear.
The holidays were relatively calm, but since they were spent with her family, it was very awkward for me. Pretty much all the ILs are at the point where they just want me to move on and are now angry at me for staying and for exercising my legal rights.
I had two non-DBIng acts over the past few weeks. First, I suspected an emerging EA with OM#2 at her workplace--and when she came home at 2:30 in the morning and was on the phone in her car, I decided to call the guy.
I know, I know--WTF are u doing!!!!!!!!! But I needed to do this for ME. I simply told the guy that I was W's husband, lived at home with W and our three kids, and would not take kindly to an inappropriate R and he could expect any such R to be part of any litigation that arises between me and W. The guy responds, "We're just friends I'm only 31," to which I replied, That's what the 27-year old said when my W got involved with him. The guy asked if I was threatening him. I said I'm not threatenign him and I can't control what he and W do, but he still needed to know that if anything happened, such R would be part of any D proceedings when W initiates a suit. Naturally, he called W and she was highly ticked off, but I do believe in the school that says you have to take some of the fantasy off the EA--to stall it, and perhaps I've done that. I'm not sure at this point, however, if I would do it again.
The second thing I did was a surgical strike taking half my cash out of joint savings, terminating most joint credit cards, setting up my own checking account for my pay, and assuming control over all household bills--including plowing a good chunk of my Christmas bonus into 529 College Savings Plan for my kids. This may sound harsh, but it was more than fair in that I assumed more bills than I needed to, left well more than half our assets in her hands, and stated my intent to bolster future college savings.
Unfortunately, this generated a letter from her attorney threatening a lawsuit on this move and stating W's intent to file for D (the interim lawsuit would fail in two minutes). This required me to fire back with my own letter disputing her allegations and setting the record straight. But then I got another letter from her attorney about our expiring car lease in April--something W and I coulkd work out easily among ourselves. Like a lot of D attorney's, W's L sees us as an ATM machine. Fortunately, my L is not like this (yet) and asked me to write a reply that she could edit and send. But every time W's L fires off a letter--it will cost me $125 just for my L to look at it! Ugh!!!
At some level I'm relieved with things moving foward because it at least starts us moving out of this awful limbo. In addition, since her attorney's threatening letter included mischaracterizations and outright lies about my actions, I now have my best excuse to avoid all convos with W that begin to get contentious--I don't need to read about my comments in a complaint. I'm also getting a real handle on my finances and household expenditures, which while never out-of-control, were never really managed in a comprehensive way.
Gabriel--
Thanks for checkin' in.
I am not a Catholic, but a Catechumen. And to be honest, the Catholic Church's handling of M and D issues has been one of my most major sources of disappointment in my journey--with a seemingly indifferent shrugging acceptance of family breakdown in the U.S. Or Pharisitic may be a better word.
A perfect example is my primary catechist, who suggested to me that I may want to consider delaying my baptism until after a D. The reason for the delay would be the argument that since I'm Jewish, it wasn't really a sacrmental marriage and would make it easier to get an annulment. Now I appreciate the desire to help me in the future, and I replied politely that if I did that, I don't really think I would be faithful to my journey. But inside I was shocked and somewhat disgusted. Talk about putting the cart before the horse and playing God!!!! Again, this kind of legalese with God is exactly what Jesus criticized the Pharisees for doing. At leats that's the way I saw it.
But if priest sex scandals won't deter me from the Truth, neither will this. And I do find the Holy Spirit at work truly enabling me to let go of anger and resentment and healing my soul in a way I never imagined possible just a short time ago. When I sit back and think about it, prayer, an R with God, new friends, and my Church community have been the primary gifts I have received as a result of this marital turmoil. All in all, not a bad deal.
I'm also reading a book about midlife crisis in women, that has better opened my eyes to all the conflicts, pain, and emotional turmoil my W may be going through. If nothing else, it reinforces my capcity for empathy and ability to apply the other tools I've learned here and elsewhere.
So for now, I'm just waiting for the D to be filed and my L and I will pow-wow at that time to determine our next steps. I just pray we can do better for our kids.
That's it. TKKC1 is doing well for all those who may be interested as is Eddy in Wisconsin. As oyu know, this sucks, but so does cancer or doing patrol in Iraq. Every day is a gift from God and I try to treat each one with the respect it deserves.
Hi Merrick, Just a brief reply. I agree with the weak stance of the Catholic church and most faiths regarding the sanctity of marriage and the ills of divorce. The commonality of divorce is an insidious disease that has affected all levels of our society, leaving even our religious leaders numb to its presence and its costs to our families, especially our children. Hang in there, Merrick, and work hard at burning off the stress level that I can imagine you are experiencing. Regards, Gabriel
Just wanted to stop in and say how much I admire your strength through all of this. I don't care what W says...I'm with UD and them when I say I think you are one hell of a guy
Cheers, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Merrick, I just wanted to comment on your call to possible OM#2. I think it's terrific. First of all, the young man might not know W is married, he might think you are OK with the arrangement, he might be clueless. So, I think what you did was in line and appropriate. I often think WASes spin tales out of nothing which the OP swallows hook-line-and-sinker. A little truth squad action is really called for.
Second, I want to tell you how impressed I am by your faith. I think it has given you a deep, calm center -- one you draw on constantly as you face these challenges. Your heart is in the right place and you seem grounded and centered. It's really wonderful to see.
Zoo, it was great to hear from you. I'll have to check on you soon.
Michele, I may reply via e-mail to your other note.
I got home tonight to see another letter from W's attorney. I think I'll call her Mrs. Eliot Spitzer for now, because when I finally meet her, she is sure to have snarly fascist fangs. Basically, she threatened me to halt college savings for my kids as a dissipation of marital assets and called my desire to give money to the Church "ludicrous" because my present conversion is designed "to use the tenets of W's religion to extort her not to pursue a divorce." How very nice. I think I'll pray for her tonight.
And this leads me to the kids (S10, D9, D6) and how difficult it is to keep saying only that Mommy and Daddy love you very much. What do you say to them when Mommy is suing Daddy for D and daddy is defending the action? When I may have to nix a vacation because I need to pay lawyer or save for college, what do I tell them?
I guess the only thing I can do is keep taking one day at a time and trying to be the best Dad that I can as it comes.
Oops. My girls are calling. I guess the movie they are watching is over. W is in NYC for a night out on the town with who know who, but I've still got me!
Hoo, boy, Merrick! I didn't know you'd been posting over here, and had gotten into the habit of your NOT posting, and so I missed all this as it was happening...
Good lord! Will the craziness never cease?
I had one tiny idea as I was reading through your interactions, and who knows, a drop in the bucket may well tip the balance (love those mixed metaphors!), so here goes:
What if you took the either/or out of your statements to your W about your openness to work on the R? What if you took out the BUT, for example, in this statement:
Quote: I repeat a theme that my heart is open to reconciliation and she has to help me provide her the R she wants in an M. BUT, if that's not the course she chooses, I will defend myself and my interests aggressively. She naturally takes this as my desire to destroy her and turns this around as my unwillingness to do anything unless under my terms.
Now, as a fellow crazymaker, I totally see where this set your W off. The bad news was at the end, and that's all she heard. She is looking for anything to latch onto when you say anything to her, Merrick, so why not say instead,
Quote: I repeat a theme that my heart is open to reconciliation and she has to help me provide her the R she wants in an M.
period. Then there's nothing to be contrary about, and though I'm sure she can find something, at least it isn't in your words.
I understand a need to feel you have to protect yourself, and issuing an either/or ultimatum is a way of doing this. But she's heard you, you don't have to say it anymore. What you do want to get across (because she is not hearing you) is your heartfelt and earnest desire to save the M. For now, all she's hearing is "defending my interests" "aggressively" etc.
