Strap in, I don't know where to even begin and this is as messy as my sitch has ever been. No DBing tools in sight, but I need to journal for my own purposes.
INVASION OF THE IN-LAWS
Last night, W had an office party I was unaware of and ILs were watching my kids when I got home.
MIL takes on form of W and says we need to talk about what's going on here.
I say I will not talk in front of kids.
MIL says they can't hear (just like W says and MIL once told me the kids here everything). I walk away. MIL pursues and says this can't continue and the kids are being hurt.
My BIL is there and tries to get his parents away. I try to back away, but in my foolish effort at conciliation, I say I know how this must hurt her, but I'm trying to my best.
MIL responds that what I'm doing is not working and the kids are being hurt because of how I'm breaking down W. This is W's line and hits a nerve, so I say nobody cares about the kids as much as I and MIL says if that's so, why do you make her sleep on the couch like a dog (perhaps something else) and all the other things I do to her.
I reply that if she'd like, she can read my 140 page journal about everything that has happened this past year. MIL replies W has her own.
FIL adds that I said I treated W like sh*t.
I reply that I never said that. I said that I'm not perfect and rather than looking at me as wholly innocent, I've done things that I wish I had not done. I then asked, "Have you treated MIL like gold all the time?" MIL says, "Yes, he has." (W has said they were always fighting, wouldn't talk, and MIL even considered a D a few years ago!)
FIL chirps in again with something like, why don't you just do the right thing and leave.
I hit his raw nerve by saying well if that's what you want, we can just sell the house because that's what's going to happen to settle affairs. ILs sold us this house and he charges me using the F word saying if that's the case, I owe him money!
I say, "You think this is all about money?!" I take my coat off and throw it in the snow saying, you can have everything I have, this was never about money!
Meanwhile, D6 is at the front door crying and asking us to stop. So I go to her. I then go outside and say "I'm sorry, this stink, and I never asked for any of this." They leave. All my kids see this scene front he window as it occurred out in the street.
The W Enters while More Gasoline Flows and Sparks Fly
Meanwhile, W calls on phone and immediately says thanks for having your mother attack me telling me I'm such an SOB to her daughter and that I have to leave to save you and the kids and this is all my fault.
This starts a shouting phone call for the next ten minutes. on all the past 15 years on her hurts and how I've left her with nothing. And I gave back in ways I have never done before saying that when she treated me like crap for 15 years--what did she expect in return.
When this ended, I felt as sick in my stomach as I have ever felt in my life. I called TKKC1--and then W entered the house
W starts ripping into me in front of the kids saying everything I have done wrong and she should pack her bags now because everyone thinks she is destroying the family. I try to get her to stop in front of the kid--but she says since I want her to move and a nanny to raise the kids--let's tell the kids now. This starts a mini-discussion on the appropriateness of raising anything with them now--me arguing for delay and W saying, "Why wait,"
Now all three kids retreat to upstairs asking us to stop fighting, but W continues saying everything I have done wrong in front of them and I keep asking her to stop.
When she shows no sign of slowing down, I desperate to stop her and say I'm going to call the police. W says, "What for?" I reply, "Child abuse."
W cackles and as I get closer to her, I smell alcohol on her breath--and the light bulb goes off that she has been at an office party.
I say, "Ahhhh. I smell alcohol. Now I understand. Her response was as expected from denial to I had one glass of wine. I say, "Sure you did." And she replies calling me names.
But for whatever reason, this seems to turn the convo--and we begin focusing on repairing the damage to the kids.
D9 says all the troubles began when I decided to become a Catholic. D6 says we were fighting way before then! S10 says both of them don't know a thing. Btw, what was most sad for me --and there was a lot to be sad about--is that S10 had tears from the fighting and he can be as steely as can be. D9 then decides she doesn't want to speak with me.
INTERMISSION
When they get to bed, I go out to dinner with TKKC1.
W RELOADS
I get home about 11:15 and W seems asleep. I go to wrap some Christmas presents/baseball items I had bought for my S10 during this summer. W knows about these gifts and I bought others for the girls to balance it.
W enters our bedroom asking what I'm doing and when I tell her, she says I'm giving him too much, the girls will be upset, and I should give him one of the items for his birthday in the summer. She also says I'm using the wrong wrapping paper, she has bought her own, the kids will recognize the wrap I'm using, and if I persist in wrapping, I will ruin Christmas for them because they will know the wrap did not come from Santa. I left the room and made it clear I will not speak to her at all.
End of night.
STORMY SEAS CONTINUE IN THE THE MORNING
This morning, W still wants to pursue and I refuse to talk and focus on the kids. They are as upbeat as can be, but I have to help persuade D6 to participate in her Christmas show that morning at school--which she is nervous about. D9 is all talkative with me and S10 is cheery.
When the kids are gone, W asks if we can talk and I say I'll talk if we go to Starbucks in a neutral place. She doesn't like this--so I go on my own and out to a store to buy one last Christmas present. Stupid me, I needed to talk with W about one last present and she wants to get into everything. I repeat a theme that my heart is open to reconciliation and she has to help me provide her the R she wants in an M. BUT, if that's not the course she chooses, I will defend myself and my interests aggressively. She naturally takes this as my desire to destroy her and turns this around as my unwillingness to do anything unless under my terms.
When I get back home, she says that she is willing to show me how to have an R with her, just not a married one. Is that acceptable to me? I ask what this means, and she says in essence that I move out. I balk and say I offered a joint separation but your attorney said no way. She said her attorney never said this (so one of our L's is lying) and in any event, the kids don't want her to leave.
I ask who said, this and W replies that D9 said so and that is why she was so upset last night--that she thought the police were going to take Mommy away if I called. I said that's not the same thing, and did S10 and D6 have any views? She said D6 was too young, so I said, it would be just as easy for me to exactly what you do and say, "Let's sit down with the kids and you can tell them that you want a divorce, Daddy doesn't, but since you're unhappy, I want Daddy to leave."
Predictably, W responded that she would have to tell them that she begged Daddy for a marriage, but I wouldn't give it to her and now it is over.
I answered that she didn't want an H, she wanted a puppy dog, and if the dog didn't lick her at all times, she would kick it, kick it, and kick it, until the puppy retreated to the computer or TV. Having a sense that there's is only so much bottom to scrape, I continued that she rejected me for years, always found reasons to discard my feelings, and that it was inevitable that I would retreat. But, in an astonishing display of hope--I said I can still look past the entire past if we wanted to go forward together.
To which she replied, but if I don't, you will destroy me.
There is so much more, but just MOTS.
TWILIGHT ZONE MOMENT
Now, after all this, I actually went to D6's show and sat near my W and ILs!
D6 and her classmates performed five songs marvelously and I could have cried for how good she made me feel!!! . To me, that little face embodied all the goodness that life can be!
And to top the morning off, a guy starts talking to me on the train because he was at the same show for his kids and it turns out he had a WAW who left and was D'd three years ago--and is now only recovering to find his W is signaling she wants her old life back--but it's too late. He has moved on.
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE???????????
My mind starts thinking about a settlement I may offer, but when I get into work, TKKC1 has sent me a link on Catholics maintaining the good fight to save their M's!!!
How am I possibly going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with W's family??????
A LIGHT NOTE FOR DBERS
I should add that W keeps questioning who keeps tellig me to say the things I do. And on atr least three occassions she questioned what this Underdog (W used real name) Betsey is telling me and how much am I speaking to her!
